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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't process this...childhood friend

90 replies

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 15:23

I guess he has said he's wanted to marry me since we were kids. 26 years ago.

I have to deal with selling someone else's house at present, in the middle of nowhere, I do need some help and eventually said it would be ok if he visited for 2 days to sort it out.

He'd said he had a girlfriend so I thought 'brilliant, all ok'. So 2 days after I said it was ok to visit he's just texted me to say he's split from his girlfriend.

He said he wanted to make a will 2 months ago and leave me his house (he's quite wealthy) but I just laughed and said no. No point.

Just trying to process this really.

Don't think he would make a pass if he comes down to help

Alarmed at him now saying he has split up with his girlfriend since I said he could visit (I'd always refused before)

Oh god I don't know, I would like the help as long as he knows it's not going to result in marriage

OP posts:

lookatyourwatchnow · 11/11/2017 15:29

Don’t let him help you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/11/2017 15:33

He’s not your friend. At least not in his head. You’re the love of his life. Don’t do this to him or to you.

Raf121 · 11/11/2017 15:44

I wouldnt let him help you. He has left his girlfriend with the clear intent of trying to be with you. He isnt going to be your friend at all, and if you arent comfortable with that then find help from another source.

Do you have any feelings for him OP?

Original poster

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 15:50

Yeah he's from childhood, of course I love him in that sense. We grew up together, we knew each other's families etc

I sometimes wonder if I've had a stalker for 26 years without realising.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 11/11/2017 15:51

Is he really your friend? Or is he a guy who desperately wants to be your friend and you haven´t had the heart to tell to go away?

Desmondo2016 · 11/11/2017 15:55

Why would you feel a childhood friend has been a stalker just because he's now said he loves you? There must be more to this...?

Raf121 · 11/11/2017 15:56

But no romantic feelings OP?

Raf121 · 11/11/2017 15:56

But no romantic feelings OP?

picklemepopcorn · 11/11/2017 16:01

Can you imagine ever wanting to be with him in that way? How much do you trust him? I’d be worried that he sees this as an opportunity to earn your compliance by being so helpful, and could get stroppy when it doesn’t work.

I know you aren’t in the mood to consider a relationship with him, but is it a possibility in the future? If not, then you need to tell him up front that you are worried about his expectations and behaviour.

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 16:09

You're using him.... do not let him come to help you.. find someone else... if you allow him to come help.. knowing his emotions feelings and affections run this deep... you will be taking advantage of his kind and generous nature.... and that would not be nice....

Original poster

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 16:16

No, no romance. And yes of course I'd always love him in a friendship sense, we grew up together. I think once you love someone you never quite stop.

But my dilemma is that he said he wanted to come down and help (it would help actually), then he said he'd split with his girlfriend which left me feeling unsure.

I didn't let him write a will leaving me his house, however . He might have done it behind my back but I said no.

I quite like someone locally but that's on the back burner for now

OP posts:

LIZS · 11/11/2017 16:23

Cancel his help. It is a complication you don't need, especially while feeling vulnerable and with a job to concentrate on.

RafikiIsTheBest · 11/11/2017 16:32

Have you spoken to him about it? I'd just ask him outright, why did you split up with your girlfriend? I hope it wasn't to do with you coming to help me out as a friend, she wasn't worried about us or something was she? You know I only see you as a friend, didn't you tell her that? etc all said in a light tone.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/11/2017 16:37

I wouldn't let him help you. I think you're probably right, and he is already getting big ideas. This isn't your fault, but you can prevent it from escalating.

Original poster

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 16:38

But this is quite a long time period.

At first I refused to let him visit as I was worried about it, then he said he had a girlfriend, then I relaxed a little, thought it was safe and said he could visit (haven't seen him in 2 years, actually) and after that he said they'd split up.

I might just give in and marry him. Actually I wouldn't.

OP posts:

Trills · 11/11/2017 16:43

Think very hard.

Will he behave as if you owe him anything in return for his help?

Will he behave in any way that will make you feel uncomfortable?

KitKat1985 · 11/11/2017 17:00

I don't think you should let him help you. He's being very clear that he wants to be more than friends, and you don't, so I think you need to put up really clear boundaries now so he doesn't feel like he's getting mixed messages.

WinnieFosterTether · 11/11/2017 17:02

I think you need to work out how you feel about him because tbh you aren't treating him like a friend. If you're holding on from tradition then stop it.
For most people, if a childhood friend split from their gf, they would be loathe to cancel a visit because they would think their friend was already down. That you jumped to the conclusion that the split was about you and that he might think you would marry him, isn't a normal response at all. If you cancel the visit, you should also pull back from the friendship as a whole. None of this sounds healthy.

Original poster

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 17:04

Umm...actually it's slightly worse than that, we were born together (on the same tiny ward) and have the same registrar on our certificates

But despite slight marriage insistance and my slight freak out at him texting today to say he'd split with his girlfriend think it would be ok for him to visit.

I do think he was in love with me when we were kids but not now . I can adamantly look ugly enough for someone not to look twice at me skilled

Thanks for your help, just got worried today after it was arranged he would come down and after that he texted to say he'd split with his gf

OP posts:

WinnieFosterTether · 11/11/2017 17:13

I'm Is this one of those threads that's actually referencing something else? because it's making no sense to me.

LIZS · 11/11/2017 17:19

Why start a thread and disagree with all advice?! Distance yourself and get this property sold, then move. Is there really noone else who could do this and allow you to leave now? He is more of a distraction than a help.

diddl · 11/11/2017 17:31

It's not overly clear is it?

So-who keeps in touch with who-& why?

If you invite him to help you with a house & he dumps his girlfriend?

Sounds creepy!

I'd be worried that he knows where I am!!

picklemepopcorn · 11/11/2017 17:32

So, you need to make it clear that you are interested in s9meone else. That at the moment you are fovuss8ng on other issues, but when you are ready there is someone called 'Bob' (so he know it isn’t him) that you are interested in.

It needs to be really clear so you aren’t taking advantage of him and he doesn’t have expectations. And be very careful.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/11/2017 17:32

It's like the Sword of Damocles hanging over your head, isn't it?

You aren't responsible for his feelings. He's not responsible for the lack of yours.

I had a similar situation many, many, many years ago. Someone I had simply considered a friend proposed to me unexpectedly. I just told him that I loved him as a friend, but that was all. That I didn't want him to have 'hopes' and that I hoped we'd still be friends. And that we would have to agree to not mention this again. We managed to remain friends and he eventually married someone else, as did I.

Honestly, I'd let him come and if he makes 'a declaration' of some sort deal with it with kindness and let him keep his dignity. It may or may not end your friendship, but at least the air will have been cleared.

GreenTulips · 11/11/2017 17:35

thought it was safe

Alarm bells!' Can he visit and youboeep another friend around?

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