Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't process this...childhood friend

90 replies

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 15:23

I guess he has said he's wanted to marry me since we were kids. 26 years ago.

I have to deal with selling someone else's house at present, in the middle of nowhere, I do need some help and eventually said it would be ok if he visited for 2 days to sort it out.

He'd said he had a girlfriend so I thought 'brilliant, all ok'. So 2 days after I said it was ok to visit he's just texted me to say he's split from his girlfriend.

He said he wanted to make a will 2 months ago and leave me his house (he's quite wealthy) but I just laughed and said no. No point.

Just trying to process this really.

Don't think he would make a pass if he comes down to help

Alarmed at him now saying he has split up with his girlfriend since I said he could visit (I'd always refused before)

Oh god I don't know, I would like the help as long as he knows it's not going to result in marriage

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 19:31

Aahhhh I get it now... you enjoy the power you have over his affections... Hmm

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 20:04

No I want him as a friend.

He offered to come down before and I said no.

Then he said he was really happy with a girlfriend and I was quite pleased and said it was ok to come down for a couple of days, then received text today saying they'd split up and that took me aback.

OP posts:
ForgetMeNotCat · 11/11/2017 20:20

He has said he wants to marry you since you were kids, he wants to leave his house to you, he split with his girlfriend when you said he could come and stay. Sounds like he wants more than just friendship

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 20:22

Oh christ.

I genuinely can't process the idea he might have 'feelings' for me, never could

OP posts:
pudding21 · 11/11/2017 20:24

Have you told him you are not interested before OP? Maybe he has moved on and it is just friends. Maybe the dumping of the girlfriend was coming anyway. Perhaps you will have a nice time catching up, perhaps he feels he needs to say how he feels so he can out this to bed. i don't know, how good a friend is he? Do you message/ talk a lot. Have his declarations been recent?

If you want to see him, and he makes a move and you feel comfortable rejecting him gently, then go for it. Could you be overthinking this a bit much and secretly you do like him?

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 20:31

No, I've never really examined this but I've always been very much friendship based and less romantic relationships.

He proposes once every few years and I try to swat it aside as we're just friends.

If I married him though he'd expect sex and I don't feel sexual about him.

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/11/2017 20:36

Just avoid him. You can easily do so by cancelling the visit especially of you haven't met for ages anyway. He sounds preoccupied with an image of you based on the past but has no real idea of your current feelings or the person you are. Does he have any mh issues or ld?

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 20:51

I don't want to cancel a friend. Yes he can get depression at times.

He's quite fond of everyone we grew up with, as am I.

I encouraged him to leave our small town and move up to be near me (could tell he was bored) but he got lucky really, his parents insisted he buy behind a major transport place when it was cheap, it then skyrocketed in value afterwards.

This is sounding like a love story when it shouldn't. I think it's fine for him to visit next week as long as everything is clear.

OP posts:
paranoidpammywhammy2 · 11/11/2017 21:08

I had this with a male friend where I used to live.

His girlfriend was always glaring at me and I had no idea why. When I split with my boyfriend, coincidentally within days. he'd become single too.

He suggested we go drown our sorrows and made his first move. I explained we were just friends; he seemed to get it. Periodically he would ask me out and I'd reiterate, just friends.

I moved an asexual/gay male friend into the spare room and he kicked off. He was a nice guy but I didn't want to date him. I backed off on the friendship as I wasn't sure if he was really my friend.

It ended when I moved further away. He'd told his parents 'I was the one'. I think it's kinder to stay away as he will always see a chance that just isn't there.

Trills · 11/11/2017 21:16

It's really not sounding like a love story to me.

LIZS · 11/11/2017 21:20

Think you are both reading way too much into "friendship". By inviting him you are blurring the boundaries. If you have no intention of cancelling why ask for advice?

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 21:28

I feel sorry for the guy tbh... I hope he wakes up and smells the coffee Flowers

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 21:30

LIZS I didn't really know what I was asking when I posted, was trying to process it (I very rarely let anyone visit me) think I would like him to visit and help, but my heart sank slightly at the prospect of another proposal.

He's a really good cook so it might be a chance to eat well for a few days, do the housework here

OP posts:
Jasminedes · 11/11/2017 21:34

I think you should cancel him.

Venusflytwat · 11/11/2017 21:41

If you care about him-

Cancel him.
Stop using him.

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 21:46

But I'm not using him. As far as I'm concerned I won't let him give me money, nor leave his house to me, won't marry him, don't think he's in love with me.

We've been friends for a really long time. I would have felt fine with him visiting until he said he'd split with his girlfriend

OP posts:
RedForFilth · 11/11/2017 21:46

You're just using him which makes you sound like a horrible person! Keep stringing him along as long as you get all your jobs done and meals cooked for you Hmm

Venusflytwat · 11/11/2017 21:50

You know he wants more from you.

But you’re willing to let him come up and help you out practically and cook you meals.

If that’s not using someone I don’t know what is.

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 21:50

I very rarely let anyone visit me

this is very telling... you allow the only visit to be from the one person who is emotionally mentally and physically attached to in you .... and you know this... and are using it to your advantage... I find this a thoroughly unpleasant calculating situation OP Flowers

LIZS · 11/11/2017 21:55

You don't think it unfair to mislead him? His help is ok but no more. Until you define this clearly once and for all then you would be using him. Does he not work that he can give up his time so freely? Seems like you made up your mind well before you started this thread.

Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 21:59

Unpleasant calculating...Grin

I won't let any ex boyfriend visit me.

But my friend is my friend, there should be clear distinctions. I've left it a long gap in the past (a few years) when he's proposed then he writes again.

You can't deny anyone their feelings, you're entitled to feel what you want, but I really don't think he loves me in any way apart from someone he knew as a child.

Maybe I just can't get my head around it

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/11/2017 22:01

So why encourage him?

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 22:08

ok reading between the lines... I now believe OP thriving on this 'alleged' situation... she'd be dancing with delight when she heard he'd ended yet another relationship.... relishing the imaginary hold she has over this man... I'm now betting half if this is a fabrication.. and she's actually very very lonely.. and this childhood friend is merely visiting... but OP has created this massive fixation on the poor guy.... OP.. let him visit... I'm sure he will leave with his heart and soul intact... because he's simply a friend.... Grin

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 22:09

you should maybe consider Counselling too ... Flowers

Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 22:12

oh. and I agree... he merely cares for you as a Childhood friend.. as you have already expressed...

well I'm glad that's cleared up Flowers