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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't process this...childhood friend

90 replies

BulletFox · 11/11/2017 15:23

I guess he has said he's wanted to marry me since we were kids. 26 years ago.

I have to deal with selling someone else's house at present, in the middle of nowhere, I do need some help and eventually said it would be ok if he visited for 2 days to sort it out.

He'd said he had a girlfriend so I thought 'brilliant, all ok'. So 2 days after I said it was ok to visit he's just texted me to say he's split from his girlfriend.

He said he wanted to make a will 2 months ago and leave me his house (he's quite wealthy) but I just laughed and said no. No point.

Just trying to process this really.

Don't think he would make a pass if he comes down to help

Alarmed at him now saying he has split up with his girlfriend since I said he could visit (I'd always refused before)

Oh god I don't know, I would like the help as long as he knows it's not going to result in marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 22:17

LIZS he's a friend though? Not a boyfriend.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but when my house got destroyed a few years ago (not malicious, my neighbour was in an a severe state and...destroyed it accidentally. Love her, she didn't go to prison and we're friends still) he insisted I stay with him.

I was traumatised, drank everything in the house and was wild eyed not sleeping and chain smoking.

He kept trying to throw me in the hammock or Jacuzzi as apparently it would 'calm me down'. Or giving me self help books.

Genuinely don't think I'm being manipulative in this instance or self serving. And I do not think he's in love with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BulletFox · 11/11/2017 22:19

Oh actually it is self serving to agree to someone visiting you to help

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/11/2017 22:19

he's NOT... he's a decent guy who feels sorry for you... that's obvious by your weird damaged house incident.... Hmm

DonkeyOaty · 12/11/2017 00:06

It all sounds very complicated. Your previous house was destroyed and now you're selling someone else's property? And you've a long term admirer who persists in proposing marriage?

I couldn't be doing with all the fuss and bother.

Andylion · 12/11/2017 04:58

OP, if you don’ think he’s in love with you, what’s the problem?

Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 05:08

I think I just got worried when I said he could visit (I've always put him off before) then he said he'd split with his girlfriend.

It would genuinely upset me at the moment if anyone made a pass as I'm far too stressed. I do think someone local is really nice but I recognise I need to calm down a lot before even thinking properly about that so keeping my distance at present.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 12/11/2017 05:43

All very dramatic. You're loving all the attention though?

Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 05:51

What, on here?

I tend to think of mumsnet as chatting as I'm separated from my friends at present.

Nelly I've had a lot of weird and horrible things happen over a short space of time and am not very functional at present. I'd love it if a friend stayed and took me to task but I was concerned about this one as there's a back history of proposals.

I really don't want any man getting too close at present. Cuddles are ok.

OP posts:
LIZS · 12/11/2017 07:53

If you insist on him coming ask another friend to come along too. I'm still not getting why you cannot just leave . It isn't your house to sell , you don't stand to benefit financially or emotionally, so you could avoid all this drama and walk away to set yourself up in a better, less complicated life. What is stopping you? Is this the same guy you have written about before?

Bekabeech · 12/11/2017 08:10

I think you could do with some therapy, because there seems to be an unusual amount of “strangeness” in your life. Is there anything you could be doing to make things more stable and avoid the oddness?

Why are you still friends with someone who destroyed your home? Even if they were mentally ill at the time? Just why?
You seem to lack boundaries and self worth.

WinnieFosterTether · 12/11/2017 08:12

Are you from a different culture ? Are you in a Jane Austen novel? Because none of this is making any sense. Why would he write to propose marriage? Why would you still be in a house that had just been destroyed?
I keep popping back to see if it's any clearer but it's not.

Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 08:14

Lizs don't think I've written about him before. Couple of exes, neighbour who is attractive, not my friend.

I dealt with selling the house (stc) and tried to get back to full time work after that but they wanted me to start too soon after the interview...it was about 2 days...and I completely crashed. I've been out of proper work after I was attacked.

I don't know where I'm going to move to, I have a responsibility to get this house into shape, I tried to engage with the neighbours but they wanted to help too much and I backtracked.

I'm not insisting my friend comes down but he would kick start me into action and help with everything which needed to be done, he does want to see the local area it just frightened me when he said he'd split with his girlfriend as I'd probably punch someone if they unexpectedly got too close to me at the moment

I can get sky rocket levels of anxiety.

OP posts:
Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 08:24

Oh god I did post about him before, sorry, it was when I'd split up with my last boyfriend a year ago and I was speaking to him on the phone about it and he posted me a vibrator afterwards.

I was genuinely quite shocked and didn't know where to put it and sometimes accidentally left it out during house viewings. I still don't know what to do with it, it's not the sort of thing you can take to a charity shop.

OP posts:
LIZS · 12/11/2017 08:50

And you don't feel that is inappropriate, even for a long term "friend"? HmmJust bin it.

It isn't your house, nor your responsibility, you are suspicious of the neighbours , noone whose interest it is is in is supporting you in the fixing and selling, just leave asap. If you are gripped by inertia seek professional counselling to move on. There is a sense that you are wallowing in these events and strange relationships and the attention it brings rather than face reality and take positive steps. How are you supporting yourself if you don't work?

AlternativeTentacle · 12/11/2017 08:56

I still don't know what to do with it, it's not the sort of thing you can take to a charity shop.

Put it in the bin.

I'd love it if a friend stayed and took me to task but I was concerned about this one as there's a back history of proposals.

Put him in the bin as well. He oversteps boundaries and is playing you. He is no friend.

Barbaro · 12/11/2017 09:54

Sorry but you're just insane and needs lot of psychological help. Being friends with someone who destroyed your house isn't normal. Leaving out a vibrator repeatedly during house viewings isn't normal. Most of your behaviour isn't normal.

You're either attention seeking or need a psychologist. Hope the other male friend runs away quickly, but then he sounds mad too so doubt it.

Gemini69 · 12/11/2017 12:51

he posted me a vibrator afterwards. I was genuinely quite shocked and didn't know where to put it and sometimes accidentally left it out during house viewings

this is utter bollocks.... this guy is laughing at you.. he believes you are unable to keep a man... hence the Vibrator.. he's definitely not in love with you OP.. he's laughing out loud at you... Flowers

Intercom · 12/11/2017 13:11

Distance yourself. He's behaving oddly for a straightforward friend. It makes no difference that you have known each other a long time, if he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 14:56

I don't actually think I'm being attention seeking, but might need a psychologist. I've got no idea how to go about this.

Gemini69 I was quite hesitant about where to put it (vib) and so used to nervously place it around the house, pick it up then put it down, I wasn't quite sure where to put it. Then suddenly worry I'd left it on a mantlepiece with house viewings. I'll put it in the bin tonight.

No I was really fond of the woman who destroyed my house, she got severely ill. I'm not medically trained so I couldn't spot how ill she was getting and she felt safe around me so snapped back to normal, it was impossible to tell. It does absolutely not mean I can't be friends with her just because she went schizophrenic.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 12/11/2017 15:06

You sound bonkers

Gemini69 · 12/11/2017 15:07

I'm not convinced your friend' will try it on' tbh.. it sounds like he sees you more as a very good mate.. that he knows very well and as such deemed such a 'sex toy gift' would be taken lightheartedly.. as a joke.. also.. I'm pretty sure you have 'drawers and cupboards' in your home.. you could have placed it in.. there was never a need to leave it laying around... Hmm
I cannot imagine him sending it to someone he was 'in love' with or had hopes of a relationship with.. Flowers

Dizzybacon · 12/11/2017 15:08

What a bizarre post Confused you keep banging on about being sure he doesn't have feelings, albeit he proposes every few years! If you want him to visit them let him, but set some boundaries. It's really not that difficult. Or maybe he isn't that into you, just fancies getting away after splitting with GF. Have you been known for having a vivid imagination?

Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 15:21

Umm..well my friends describe me as being eccentric and I've always thought I had aspergers. Never diagnosed. So happily admit to being bonkers at present.

Yeah I'm not sure he's a friend now, it's changed over the years. We used to be but although it sounds horrible to say he worries me now. I can get frightened easily however.

I'm not making this up. My legal advisor told me to write a book about the whole thing. She thinks too much happened over too short a time period. Even if it was a rubbish book I guess it might be useful to write it all down.

I always worked full time before all this and have almost drained my savings, and started a cc, it's difficult to resume normal life

OP posts:
Dizzybacon · 12/11/2017 15:25

Just out of interest, what country do you live in?

Original poster
BulletFox · 12/11/2017 15:31

It's UK. Which country did you think?

I guess things to come out of this are that

A) he's not a proper friend anymore
B) I need to calm down and seek help

OP posts: