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Original poster

PLEASE HELP ME! MIL & FIL furious about our choice of godparents.

77 replies

SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 00:52

I’m a practicing Catholic & DH, although baptised Catholic, is not religious. FIL was brought up catholic and hates religion with a passion as does their son (DHs brother).

Anyway, I’m order to be a godparent in the Catholic Church, you must be a catholic who has made their confirmation, the reason for this is because the role of godparent is to take care of the child’s spiritual needs, should we the parents be unable to.

DH’s best, life long friend is a practicing Catholic, as is my best friend. This seemed like the right choice and so we asked them. We explained to PIL our choice and they’ve flown off the handle. FIL has been down to speak to his local priest because he didn’t believe that the godparent has to be confirmed. (The local priest agreed with the priest at my parish). They’re quite obviously raging about the whole thing as “their son should have been picked” and apparently DH’s friend will “never even see that baby”. BIL also thinks he was “good enough to be best man but not good enough to be Godfather”. I mean... what gives anyone the right to be godparent. Surely that’s our choice??

DD isn’t even born yet and already all this conflict and interfering. I’ve always got on with my inlaws but I’ve seen a whole new side to them since falling pregnant. I just can’t deal with this stress Sad

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 10/10/2017 00:57

You don't need to be Catholic to be a godparent in the Catholic Church. You need one Catholic godparent but the others do not need to be baptised Catholic. My DH is Catholic and I'm not but my children are. It was the youngest's baptism on Sunday and 1 of his godparents, whilst Christian, was definitely not catholic!

However, you can choose whoever you like. But why you're having this discussion with them before your baby is born is beyond me.

AdaColeman · 10/10/2017 00:59

You can have who ever you want as a Godparent, it has nothing to do with your in laws.
Stand your ground and don't give way or next they will be telling you what to name your child too.
Don't let them bully you over this, or you will have a lifetime of them telling you what to do with YOUR child.

sonjadog · 10/10/2017 01:00

You can have whoever you like as godparents. This isn´t any of your iLs´ business. This would be a good time to draw a line in what they can get involved in regarding your child.

Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:01

Yes, you need one Catholic godparent. Any additional godparents are only technically a witness. My priest said he would basically be treated as a godparent on the day. I ran this past BIL and PIL and they’re still not happy.

It annoys me though because I have 3 brothers, why is it being made out as if BIL is hard done by here? It’s our choice and we’ve chosen DHs best friend. We shouldn’t even need to offer the witness role, I just did that to try to keep everyone happy. Massively backfired!

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SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2017 01:02

Point put he is the UNCLE and that is already a special role

Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:03

We told them in passing, not thinking anything of it. And yes, they’ve tried telling me what to name him or her. Even BIL has been coming round and suggesting the same two names as PIL 😩 And for the record, the names are awful!

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:04

They keep going on about these names and it’s driving me up the wall!!

OP posts:
GetOutOfMYGarden · 10/10/2017 01:06

You've not exactly picked some weirdo off the street! You've both picked your best friends.

He's already the uncle, tell him to shape the fuck up. So needy.

Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:10

They’ve already had chats with me about how the worst thing you can do in life is put a child in a baby walker, how FIL will not be able to sit in a room with me while i breastfeed, out of respect and many other things. I’m worrying about how things are going to turn after the baby arrives.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 10/10/2017 01:10

Have they always been this overbearing? Just refuse to discuss it further. You've made your decision. If they get in a huff and stop speaking to you, frankly that's a win win.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2017 01:11

Re breast feeding. If its in your own home, please male sure HE leaves the room not you

Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:12

No, they’ve never been overbearing at all, it’s since I fell pregnant everything has changed. I feel like a vessel that’s carrying their grandchild rather than a human being.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:14

What should I do to get them to stop interfering? I’m a very non confrontational person. Naturally a people pleaser. I’m not good in these scenarios.

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nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2017 01:14

Well, to be fair, baby walkers interfere with development of walking, and I've seen them cause some fucking nasty accidents...other than that they sound bonkers.

Oh, make sure you breastfeed constantly when FIL visits, to keep the git out of your hair.

SeaToSki · 10/10/2017 01:16

I always thought a godparent was someone who would step up if the child had no one else left to look after them, so no point in asking a relative as they would/should be more important... maybe that's just me though

MistressDeeCee · 10/10/2017 01:19

Im not sure I even follow the gist of this post but your in-laws need to get a life. & possibly a hobby. Flying off the handle, shouting etc is all a bit extreme isn't it? I wouldn't even engage in conversation with them about it, to be honest. Id screen it all out. & your man should be having a word with his parents telling them to keep quiet. Much nonsensical shouting and screaming about nothing, it sounds entirely ridiculous and why even entertain it

AdaColeman · 10/10/2017 01:21

Do you live with them Skye?

Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:24

No ada. We live a while away so when we visit, we stay with them for maybe a week at a time.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/10/2017 01:25

I think you have to practise non-committal responses.

E.g. "Really? that's an interesting point of view." then stop the conversation.
Re. the breastfeeding, you could also say "never mind, we'll see you when s/he's weaned then" but that might be a bit passive aggressive. You could instead go with "well that's his choice", if you prefer.

Re. the baby-walker, I'm kind of with them on this one - I don't much like them either - but it's your choice, because it's your baby. Look up research about their use and throw the science at them.

Talk to your DH about all this as well - he needs to be fully on your side, because otherwise he'll just cave into his parents and let them override and coerce you. So tell him that you both need to stand together adn stand strong - it will be YOUR baby, not theirs, and YOU will decide what's right for YOUR baby.

TheMaddHugger · 10/10/2017 01:26

I am a Godmother to a Catholic boy, I am Lutheran

TheMaddHugger · 10/10/2017 01:28

You Don't need to justify your choices to anyone.

Don't JADE

Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:28

TheMaddHugger do you know for 100% that you’re not down in the records as a witness? I don’t know if this is something that could have changed over the years but I’ve been told that by 2 priests in my parish and the priest at the church near FIL said exactly the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
SkyeBluebelle · 10/10/2017 01:29

Don’t JADE? What does that mean? Sorry I’m not great with all the mumsnet lingo yet 😆

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AdaColeman · 10/10/2017 01:35

Don't worry about the breast feeding Skye you will be in your own home for most of the time and you can just tell FIL to leave so that you can focus on looking after your baby.

Tell your DH when the ILs do or say anything that upsets or worries you, he should be supporting you by telling them to mind their own business.

SenecaFalls · 10/10/2017 01:36

So the brother who hates religion wants to be a godparent? Does he know the role of a godparent? Ask him how does he plan to deal with the hate-religion part in his duty to participate in your child's spiritual development?