PLEASE HELP ME! MIL & FIL furious about our choice of godparents.

[SkyeBluebelle]

I’m a practicing Catholic & DH, although baptised Catholic, is not religious. FIL was brought up catholic and hates religion with a passion as does their son (DHs brother).

Anyway, I’m order to be a godparent in the Catholic Church, you must be a catholic who has made their confirmation, the reason for this is because the role of godparent is to take care of the child’s spiritual needs, should we the parents be unable to.

DH’s best, life long friend is a practicing Catholic, as is my best friend. This seemed like the right choice and so we asked them. We explained to PIL our choice and they’ve flown off the handle. FIL has been down to speak to his local priest because he didn’t believe that the godparent has to be confirmed. (The local priest agreed with the priest at my parish). They’re quite obviously raging about the whole thing as “their son should have been picked” and apparently DH’s friend will “never even see that baby”. BIL also thinks he was “good enough to be best man but not good enough to be Godfather”. I mean... what gives anyone the right to be godparent. Surely that’s our choice??

DD isn’t even born yet and already all this conflict and interfering. I’ve always got on with my inlaws but I’ve seen a whole new side to them since falling pregnant. I just can’t deal with this stress

[IClavdivs]

Sorry, I posted the above when I was was only halfway through the thread. I have severely reprimanded myself.

[kuniloofdooksa]

The one thing you must do to stop them interfering is to not budge an inch on this decision. You have made your choice. It's a good choice. Any concessions you make now will send your entire in law family the loud and clear message that they can interfere as much as they like as you won't stand up for yourself and are happy for them to be in control.

[Atenco]

Whatever you do don't give into them, OP.

My PIL were lovely, but they really wanted to christen my dd and I was non-religious. In the end I gave in because I loved them and I thought as it's not my religion, it's not my hypocrisy. The next thing I knew they are deciding what school to send her to.

Even if they suggest a name you like for the baby, do not use it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Once you have a child this solidifies the fact that you, your husband and your child are your nuclear family and the people, you honour above all others. Your parents and siblings are part of your extended family as they have been since your marriage. So honour your family first and ignore these people on the periphery.

It is very hard to argue against such tyranny, bigotry and oppression. The best way to minimise their impact is not to engage, to see them less frequently and for shorter periods. Your telephone has an off button for a reason and your house has a front door to keep people out. If you visit them and their behaviour is out of control, allow yourselves to go home. If they come to you and shout the odds, you can ask them to leave.

You are adults and you are their equals. They have had their turn at being parents. Now it is time for them to move over and hand the reigns to you.

It is very hard and I say all of this as a people pleaser and daughter of a narcissist. I’m feeling my way and have had lots of therapy to get to the point, where I realise that I am my mother’s and my brother’s equal when I have received verbal and physical messages all my life that I am not.

[OuaisMaisBon]

It's none of their business who you choose as godparents (nor what name you give your baby), particularly since your PIL and BIL are both non-practicing themselves - it's completely hypocritical of them. The members of my Catholic mother's side of the family who behaved like this are a large part of the reason I gave up on religion myself when I was 18.
OP, please, if you are financially able to, do as an earlier poster suggested, and do not stay at their home when you go and visit them - you will survive much better that way and they won't be able to interfere as much. Also, you will then be able to breastfeed without upsetting your FIL's delicate sensibilites (FGS). This attitude towards breastfeeding is archaic and might be one I would have expected from my own Victorian grandfather had he not been dead for 30 years when my daughter was born. But he has no right to make you feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding, particularly if he tries to impose these views on you in your own home. You will need to make it clear it is up to him to leave the room if he doesn't want to be upset by your breastfeeding, it is not up to you to accommodate his prurience. I'm sure I saw something similar on here a couple of months ago, where the poor breastfeeding mother was banished upstairs to her bedroom in order not to offend her precious FIL. It made her life a misery and made for an unhappy relationship with her PIL.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Please take heed of what the other respondents have written here.

Its totally your choice as a couple when it comes to naming godparents; not the PILs.

What has been your DHs response to all this from them; he is key here.

I would also suggest you start reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward so you can understand further the power and control dynamics that are being played out by your inlaws and your BIL.

Its all very well saying that you do not do confrontation and are a people pleaser but none of that will help you go forward when it comes to your child and your PILs continuing to muscle in; what you are seeing now is a foretaste of what is to come. You need to address your people pleasing (someone, most likely your mother, taught you how to people please) through counselling as well as applying higher and consistently applied boundaries. To begin with you can both stop seeing them in their home for a week at a time; stay elsewhere if and when you do visit them. Infact I would cut back all visits to the barest of minimums.

Do not get sucked into the crazy.

[Changerofname987654321]

yorkshireyummymummy speaks a lot of sense as does the poster who talks about you and DH needing to define your boundaries as a family.

It is shame that they have problem with your breast feeding as you just won’t be able to visit

[GinIsIn]

I would be having a very honest conversation with your DH too about setting boundaries and sticking to them. It's got to be a united front from the two of you.

[Fekko]

You don't need to be catholic. My goddaughter is catholic, I'm c of e and her 2 godfathers are Muslim.

[KERALA1]

Op hope I don't sound patronising but having a baby / child does almost always force you to have to drop the universal people pleasing approach and stand up for yourself and your child on occasion - even if it angers other adults.

The friend you can't see anymore with your kids because her child terrorises yours and she does nothing about it
The teacher teaching creationism
The lift share mother of your child's 5 year old "best friend" who has dominated your child not allowing her any other friendships for months and your child has finally told you about this

[ladyvimes]

Total overreaction on FIL and BIL’s side, especially if they are not practicing catholics! It sounds as if who you have chosen will be perfect as the whole point of a godparent is to help support a child’s faith as they grow up! I think a lot of people don’t understand this!
My best friend has had several children and all have been baptised. I am not godparent to any as I am not religious and I have never been upset or jealous that she chose more religious family members or friends over me. She chose the right people for the job, as have you, and it hasn’t changed my relationship with her or her children, who I love like all my blood nieces and nephews.
Your FIL and BIL sound ridiculous!

[ArcheryAnnie]

Haven't yet read the whole thread, but dear god they sound awful. Who you choose as godparents is absolutely nothing to do with them, and they can all fuck right off.

And I've always thought it weird when people choose siblings as godparents. They are already the child's aunt/uncle! I saw choosing godparents as a way to formalise a relationship between my DS and people I loved but wasn't formally related to.

You dodged a bullet with not naming BIL, too. if he's this unspeakable as an uncle, can you imagine how domineering he'd be as an uncle AND a godparent?!

[SkyeBluebelle]

Thanks for the support everyone. I just don’t know how I’ll forgive them for this; creating such bad feeling around the birth of our first child. The only reason we’ve chosen god parents before the birth is that the christening is booked for when they will only be a few weeks old. It’s just shown me that some people care more about their own intentions than they do about this new baby, there’s something seriously wrong with that. This should be a happy time in all our lives

[BitOutOfPractice]

The catholic sensibilities die hard even in lapsed catholics.

[Starwhisperer]

Choosing godparents as a Catholic is a bit of a nightmare. They need at least one confirmed, Catholic godparent. Other Christians can be a witness but on the day itself there's not much difference in the roles.
The problems come in firstly with people not understanding that a godparent is there for spiritual guidance not just as an honour title for someone special in the child's life. Secondly a lot of parents don't know any practicing Catholics, especially if they're a little lapsed themselves so don't concern themselves with the criterior and ask anyone regardless of faith, the priest doesn't question it and then there's this perception that anyone can do it.

[Fishface77]

FUCK that shit!
They just hid their cuntiness better before op.
It's all coming out now.
Because you live a distance you haven't seen it. Welcome to crazy.
Never let them stay at your house after DC is born. Tell them to book a hotel and give them times they can visit.
Do not tell them when you go into labour.
Do not give them any further details.

[steppemum]

stick to your guns.
We have chosen these people to be godparents.

No, sorry, we haven't chosen you, we have chosen someone else.
No, you don't get to chose who WE have as godparents to OUR child.

It will blow over.
You don't have to get tangled up in reasoning why this person is or isn't chosen, just say, THIS is who we have chosen, end of discussion

[steppemum]

or, turn it round on the brother.

Oh great, you wnat tpo be a godparent, so we expect you to take dc to church at leats once a month with you, and then when it comes to confirmation time, we wnat you to teach them about it all, and of course alongside Christmas and birthday presents, you will supply a steady stream of Bible story books won't you?
Show him the promises he has to make, and spell them out a bit - I assume you are fine with being responsible for the spiritual education of dc, and happy to pray for him/her regularly etc

[Cutesbabasmummy]

My son has 2 godmothers and 1 godfather - who just happens to be his uncle. Its not traditional but its fine. Just do your own thing and ignore them. When the baby is born this will seem a tiny thing as you will be so busy looking after him or her! As for breastfeeding - he can leave the room then. And baby walkers - some children love them, some don't. I cant see how it does them any harm! x

[Cambionome]

What is your dh doing about this? He totally needs to step up here and deal with his batshit family without you getting totally stressed by it all.

[RobberOfCatan]

Stand up for yourself now, and get DH to do the same.
I'm a year and a half on from you and only just able to see mil without getting pissed off. My mil was the best mil ever. Until I got pregnant. Then she turned nasty, particularly about any decisions that she thought were mine rather than jointly mine and dhs (carseat, breastfeeding, buggy, sleeping arrangements, names, etc, stupid things but she made a massive deal over them) but it was sly most of the time so at first DH thought I was being oversensitive due to my own family issues. He realised how right I was when, at an event celebrating something big for him when I was 6/7 months gone, his long split up parents ganged up on me about something whilst he was out of the room and he walked in to them basically having a go at me and he set them straight. Towards the end of my pregnancy she made gestures as if we were moving forward positively as by that point even my very placid DH was thoroughly pissed off but she was an absolute cunt the week DD was born (and we were stuck in hospital) which made a stressful time much much more upsetting. DH refused to speak to her for weeks and I wish I'd told her to back the fuck off then. Now both DH and I correct her and challenge her when we need to but it is too little too late, we should have said something before DD arrived as the last thing we needed after she was born was the drama, and your in laws will cause drama when you are most vulnerable because they will feel that they are more likely to get their own way.
And regarding breastfeeding, tell him outright not to be so fucking ridiculous, it was the only thing that shut my MIL up about me feeding in front of her father (who is completely unphased by it!)

[grannytomine]

Obviously you get to choose the godparents, they are entitled to an opinion but they should keep it to themselves, the same with names, schools and anything else you can think of. Obviously if you ask their opinion it is different.

I think it can get confusing about who can be a godparent, I am a Catholic as are my children but one of them has 3 godparents who are all C of E. Our Parish Priest at the time was one of the most liberal priests I have ever known and he never even asked if they were baptized, if they were Christians and certainly not if they were confirmed. The Catholic church is a very large organisation and rules are interpreted in different ways, e.g. my priest was happy to give absolution if you were using contraception but other priests aren't, some priests want a commitment to attending church before the baptism and some just welcome everyone.

I hope they calm down for their sake as well as yours as if they aren't careful this will affect their relationship with the baby unless you and your husband are remarkably tolerant.

[timeisnotaline]

I think you need to get confrontational. Practise a calm mystified tone 'I don't like those names. I'm sorry but I think they are awful. Do you really think we would use names we hate? Did you hate and s names? No? Fancy that.' 'If you can't handle breastfeeding we can't visit.' 'I have been perfectly clear, would you like me to write it down for you?'

[timeisnotaline]

Basically pretend they have said the sky is red today etc etc and ae completely barmy.

[eurochick]

They have a point on baby walkers. For everything else tell them they have raised their family their way and made their choices, now you and your husband will be doing the same. You will need to be firm.