PLEASE HELP ME! MIL & FIL furious about our choice of godparents.

[SkyeBluebelle]

I’m a practicing Catholic & DH, although baptised Catholic, is not religious. FIL was brought up catholic and hates religion with a passion as does their son (DHs brother).

Anyway, I’m order to be a godparent in the Catholic Church, you must be a catholic who has made their confirmation, the reason for this is because the role of godparent is to take care of the child’s spiritual needs, should we the parents be unable to.

DH’s best, life long friend is a practicing Catholic, as is my best friend. This seemed like the right choice and so we asked them. We explained to PIL our choice and they’ve flown off the handle. FIL has been down to speak to his local priest because he didn’t believe that the godparent has to be confirmed. (The local priest agreed with the priest at my parish). They’re quite obviously raging about the whole thing as “their son should have been picked” and apparently DH’s friend will “never even see that baby”. BIL also thinks he was “good enough to be best man but not good enough to be Godfather”. I mean... what gives anyone the right to be godparent. Surely that’s our choice??

DD isn’t even born yet and already all this conflict and interfering. I’ve always got on with my inlaws but I’ve seen a whole new side to them since falling pregnant. I just can’t deal with this stress

[yorkshireyummymummy]

You need to get your DH to tell his parents to back down and back off.
This is YOUR baby, not theirs.
They had the chance to choose baby names and godparents with their own children. You get to do it with yours.
BIL needs telling too. This is not his call as to what your child is called. He sounds like he's bobbing about on the CF scale frankly, coming to your home and telling you what to call your child.
Since you are a practising Catholic you would naturally want people who believe in God and don't despise religion to be the ' spiritual and moral compass' of your child if you are not around. Your BIL does not fit the criteria. Tell them the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge didn't choose any siblings for their children's Godparents even though they are really close.
Regarding the breast feeding. I wouldn't go to their house while I was breastfeeding if I were you. I would let it be known that if they happened to be at your house when baby needed feeding then they can leave. I would NOT be made to move rooms just to suit an arsey old man. ( and I'm not part if the breast feeding mafia. I bottle fed!). Where you choose to BF your child in your home is your business.
To me, they sound like they are going to ( try) and be very pushy and controlling with this baby. DONT LET THEM !!!! This is your child and while you welcome select advice you and DH will make the parenting decisions as you are this baby's parents.
My MIL left us an answer machine message ordering us to choose BIL for godparent. - even though BIL had no intention of attending the ceremony and he and DH hate each other- and she didn't want to hear from us until we had done it. DH phoned her , and told her no way. She didn't come to our child's christening. She and BIL were not missed.
It's dreadful the way some parents and in laws feel they can interfere when a child comes. But you need to lay out your intentions and ground rules early on as they will get worse if you allow them any control.
Stand up for yourself and your baby.

[SkyeBluebelle]

Honestly, the whole family (bar DH) are complete hypocrites. They’ve spent a lot of time telling me all of their views on the catholic faith and now this uproar about godparents, it’s all so backwards!

[SkyeBluebelle]

Thank you yorkshire, what a helpful post. Ill take that all on board, thank you :)

[SkyeBluebelle]

The priest at my parish is one of the nicest men I’ve known. So kind and helpful, very non judgemental and talks openly about his sister who has been married 3 times. When I approached BIL about being a witness, I explained to him that the priest had said that he’d basically treat him exactly the same as the godparents on the day and that no one need know he’s any different. His response was “well that’s very dishonest, he’s supposed to be a man of the cloth”.

[Sprinklestar]

Leave the country! It's the only way. I also liked my PIL until I gave birth. Barely speak to them now.

[CocoPuffsinGodMode]

You need to stop engaging with this crap because if you don’t put some boundaries in place now it will only get worse after you actually have the child. I’m serious Op, there have been many threads from MNers over the years who’ve put up with this from parents or ILs and for lots of them it’s damaged their relationship with their partner as well as the wider family. Giving in on one or two seemingly small things, then discovering that the saying “give them an inch and they’ll take a mile” is true. How you deal with them now is going to set the tone of your relationship for the future.

Stop explaining and justifying. Godparents have been chosen, you and DH are happy with them, you’re not discussing it any further.
Little chats about baby’s name? Your response is thanks, we’ll decide ourselves and we’re not really looking for anyone else’s advice.

Sorry to be blunt but the whole “I hate confrontation, I’m a people pleaser” approach needs to change. They are happy to confront you about things that are none of their business. They have no concerns about pleasing you so why tie yourself up in knots trying to justify yourself to them? From the examples you’ve outlined here these sound like people with very poor boundaries, I’d be very careful to keep a bit of distance and consider carefully how much you tell them about anything you’re doing.

[just5morepeas]

They sound bonkers quite frankly.

You need to get your dh to intercede on your behalf when these demands come your way. He has to be on your side.

If it was me I'd also be thinking hard about whether I really wanted to stay with them next time I visited. I think I'd either not be visiting or finding a hotel more convenient.

You might also want to give some thought now as to when you want visitors after the babies born and who you want visiting. Because they sound like they'd be pushy then too. And let your dh know it'll be up to him to enforce this and look after you when you're vulnerable.

[TheMaddHugger]

Yes I am a proper Godmother. I am in Oz, not sure if that makes a difference.
We Lutherans say the same creed and can share/Partake the Holy Communion

[TheMaddHugger]

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

narcissistschild.blogspot.com.au/2016/03/jade-you-dont-owe-your-ns-anything.html

[smilingeyes79]

When my niece was Baptised my sister was told both godparents need to be confirmed catholics and they checked too ... she was told other religious people were welcome to celebrate / stand for the child but only the 2 Catholic Godparents would be officially listed.

I say feck em ! Start distancing yourself and getting strong as being non committal and not needing their approval. Your child you both decide ... keep smiling and don't listen to the thunder :-)

[Mum2OneTeen]

Gosh, your PILs sound awful and completely overbearing.

You are going to both have to toughen up and present a strong united front to deal with them, or they will be controlling every aspect of your lives. What you do, or don't do, with regards to making decisions about your DDs godparents, name, education, and everything else is none of their business. They are, of course, are entitled to their opinions, but as other PPs have suggested, the best course of action is a non-commital "hmmm". Don't get into a discussion with any of them because that will be seen as a way for them to force their ideas onto you. Their opinions are just that that, their opinions. You and your DH are adults and equally entitled to your own opinions and making your own decisions.

Don't stay with your PIL when you go to visit; it will be hell on earth. Start as you mean to continue and insist that you, DH & DD stay at a nearby BnB or motel each and every time.

That way, when you're sick of listening to all their judgemental crap about how you should be parenting, you can make your excuses and leave. We have been doing that when we visit family since DD was a baby; she's 17 now and we don't intend on stopping. It was the best thing we ever did. It was a quiet, restful place to retreat to for breastfeeding, trying to settle the baby, and escaping generally.

[blueberrypie0112]

Just tell him to have faith. Whatever happens, it is meant to be.

[BitOutOfPractice]

It seems to me (from personal experience) that no catholic is ever lapsed enough not to let these things turn nasty. No matter how long it’s been since they went to mass, many many lapsed catholics suddenly turn very holy when it comes to births, deaths and marriages. Exactly this sort of stuff has caused untold rifts in my family. It’s mind boggling to me.

What has your dh said to his parents?

[mathanxiety]

SkyeBluebelle Tue 10-Oct-17 01:14:44
What should I do to get them to stop interfering? I’m a very non confrontational person. Naturally a people pleaser. I’m not good in these scenarios.

If the two of you present a united front, they will be less tiresome. Tell your DH you will not be naming the baby any name his family suggests, as a matter of principle, and that you expect him to get his family off your back.

When dealing with them yourself, tell them you are 'sorry they feel that way' if they make statements about breastfeeding or walkers or anything else that you do not agree with, and the same goes for the BIL's demand about being a godparent. Keep on saying that. It is called the broken record technique of shutting people up.

Don't be drawn into arguments or discussion or the rights and wrongs of any practice. Your decisions about the baby are not up for discussion, and if they persist, tell them that and then do not discuss. Leave the room, hang up the phone, turn on the TV nice and loud, put in earbuds and turn on music. Don't give in to petulance or bullying. It would set a precedent. You are going to have to teach these people manners.

Don't get involved in discussions of the ins and outs of who can be a godparent. It doesn't matter now if one GP can be a non-Catholic. The discussion has been transformed into a power struggle. You can't let them win. Stick with your original choice of GPs. Accept that they may decide to boycott the baptism, or whatever immature strop they decide to throw.

Worst case scenario - they persist - your DH will have to grow a backbone and tell them all to fuck off.

You may also need to get over your people-pleasing tendency and say things that are not ambiguous. Don't be afraid to do this. I am sure they will survive.

If you don't dig in and make a stand now, they will walk all over you when the baby arrives and for years to come.

[MessyBun247]

Sigh. So basically PIL and BIL have always planned for BIL to be a godparent to YOUR baby. Your or your DHs opinion on YOUR baby is not relevant to them. And now that you aren't going along with their plan, they are throwing the toys out of the pram.

Only one way to deal with fuckers like that. Boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries.

Put your foot down and don't engage in their manipulative, controlling mind games. Unfortunately you don't see this side to some people until a baby is involved. They think they have rights over you and your baby's life. Best nip it in the bud now.

[Maya12]

We've had a bit of that from my PIL, but fortunately it settled quite quickly after the first year.

MIL is quite upset now she missed the christening but in a way it was good to get it all sorted in the first year, so dc none the wiser and have a really good relationship with the grandparents

Agree that being united in this definitely helped

[CoyoteCafe]

1. Let your DH deal with them. They are his family.
   

1. Use the phrase “I see how you could feel
   

That way, none the less, this is what we’ve decided to do, ” to whatever they say.

1. Make visits way, way shorter.

[mathanxiety]

I think it's sanctimonious rather than holy, BitOutOfPractice.

I recall when my DNiece was being baptised, there were several honorary godparents and one official RC one (this was in Dublin). Priest had clearly encountered the situation before. But again, this is not the point at all, and there must be no backing down.

[NameChange30]

I agree with all the advice and I especially like Coyote's list which is concise and spot on!

I raised an eyebrow at visiting for a week. That's way too long for people like that.

Don't let them stay overnight with you after the baby is born!

[HappenedForAReisling]

If your FiL hates religion why does he even care if the godparents fit all the Catholic criteria?

[Ploppie4]

Op promise me you’ll breastfeed your child in what ever room you like. Don’t let Fil make you hide away

[mathanxiety]

Happened, trying to figure that out will only exhaust the OP and her DH. This is narcissist crazy-making. It's important not to get sucked in.

YY to staying put to breastfeed.

[Lozmatoz]

I am not catholic, I’m a non-practicing C of E. I became godparent to my catholic friend’s DD in a Catholic Church just a few months ago.

That aside, its no one’s business who you pick. Extremely odd to decide before the baby is born though. Don’t count your chickens.

[mathanxiety]

Some people have a baptism shortly after the baby is born, so it's fine to cast around for godparents before he or she arrives.

[IClavdivs]

FIL was brought up catholic and hates religion with a passion as does their son (DHs brother).

If they hate religion so adamantly, then they are being illogical to complain about anything to do with the Baptism. You'd think they would want to boycott the whole thing, rather than have one of them take such a major role. In fact, I would have thought that if one hated a religion, one would only attend under sufferance and would want to take a completely passive role.