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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has been lying for months

84 replies

Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 14:07

Found out a few weeks back my partner has been lying to me for months. Had a falling out with my bestie three months ago and they’ve been communicating behind my back. Few things came up that caught him out and he blatantly lied. She came to me wanting to sort things out and after dinner and a few wines told me. I just don’t know how to move on. Not talking to the friend anymore and partner wants me to ‘get over it’

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 26/09/2017 14:16

do you mean an emotional affair OP ?

ChicRock · 26/09/2017 14:20

So was she communicating with him, for him to act as a mediator?

Or have they been shagging each other?

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 14:28

I don’t think anything physical has happened. I asked him if he think he had an emotional affair and he he didn’t think so. But both of them intimated contact with each other and discussed me and general ‘chit-chat’

OP posts:
Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 14:31

He lied to my face so many times. One morning I was in the car with him and she Called and her name flashed up on Bluetooth. Apparently he’d lent her something.. he just kept telling me he couldn’t remember when etc and refused to take my calls all day. At the end of the day he told me I was ‘going on’ and was packing his bags and leaving

OP posts:
AlexsMum89 · 26/09/2017 14:34

You can't trust him at all OP. I've been there with my ex husband, stuck it out with him for 7 years and on the whole it was just a train wreck and ended horribly.
Don't waste your time with someone you don't trust.

Brahms3rdracket · 26/09/2017 14:35

I'd tell him to do one just for saying this At the end of the day he told me I was ‘going on’ and was packing his bags and leaving

ILoveMillhousesDad · 26/09/2017 14:38

Dodgy as fuck. His extreme defensiveness is just backing that up.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 14:42

The night I found out about everything..he came home and told me he was leaving and taking our daughter. I feel like I’m being manipulated to think I was doing something wrong. Whenever I ask him he just answer... I don’t recall, I’m not sure. Which to me is just another form of lying

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 26/09/2017 14:59

He's guilty, otherwise he would stop putting up his defenses and try to reassure you OP. As for threatening to take your DD, what a complete an utter wanker.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:03

Thank you. I suspected he’d been gaslighting me for months. I knew he was lying and he just went on and on. The night she was coming over he was away and he text me saying ‘you’re going to start trouble’ I said you sound very guilty and asked him is there anything you want to tell me. His reply was nothing so he obviously thought she was going to lie too

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 26/09/2017 15:24

Taking your daughter? How dare he! Pack his bags and leave them on the step. What an utter prick - please get rid of him immediately.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:27

Yeah I know. But he picks her up so if I try to take her I look like I’m grabbing her or being rough

OP posts:
AlexsMum89 · 26/09/2017 15:36

How old is your daughter, does she go to nursery or school? Can you deal with this when she's not around? Perhaps get some help from a family member so they can perhaps take her away from the house and only bring her back when he's gone, or have them there for support?
What a horrible horrible man to try and take your daughter away like that.
I really feel for you OP, you have my support from across the web x

EverythingWillBeGreat · 26/09/2017 15:36

Taking your dd? Pardon?

Nope, this is NOT going to happen.
By any mean, he will see his dd. But not taking her wo telling you when she will be back or what the arrangement between you will be.

He can decide to go as he wishes but he can NOT decide on his own whatever will happen to your dd and where she will leave etc...

You need to be proactive on that one. Go and pick her up at school.
And make it clear that she will not move out of HER house wo a discussion on when and how.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:42

Do you know what’s most upsetting. I have caught him being shady before and after all this csme our he said to me ‘ more fool you ‘

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:43

He thinks he can take her.. it’s an immature power play

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:45

He’s very immature.. it’s infuriating

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:47

Sorry for all the messages.. but I said to my mum recently dies he understand how breakups with children work? I’m divorced with a 12 year old and my ex and I handle that fine. He’s not particularly nice to my son either... on one occasion calling him a stupid ‘c’...

OP posts:
Gazelda · 26/09/2017 15:51

I’d be leaving him The minute he called your son a cunt.
He’s gaslighting you.
He doesn’t respect you.
I honestly think you need to make plans to separate.
Do you own your home or rent? Who’s names are on the mortgage/rent agreement?
Don’t involve your friend with these plans. Innocent or not, I wouldn’t trust her.

Brahms3rdracket · 26/09/2017 15:55

What's your housing situation OP? Are you in a position to kick him out and change the locks before he returns from work (assuming he does work)? That treatment of your son alone would be enough for me to kick him out immediately.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 15:58

Thank you gazelda.. I haven’t spoken to my friend since it all came out.

I believe you are right. He picks on my son constantly. I think he has huge insecurity himself and transfers them to other people.

I’ve been scared of the label that comes from a mother with two children from different fathers

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Brahms3rdracket · 26/09/2017 15:59

A mother who bins a bullying arsehole out should be congratulated, not vilified in any way OP. Please don't let that cloud your judgement.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 16:00

As I said he doesn’t tell anyone in his life what’s happening. His family doesn’t know, no one at work.. I’m just a pyscho.

Sorry about the terminology

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/09/2017 16:01

So has your friend told you what their conversations were about?

What gives him the right to your DD?

Plus he's nasty to your son.

He's not a keeper. He's been gaslighting you and thinks your stupid to have believed his lies.

Time to make plans for a future without him.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 16:01

Thank you. It’s never fun to admit you made a shit decision in life

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