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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has been lying for months

84 replies

Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 14:07

Found out a few weeks back my partner has been lying to me for months. Had a falling out with my bestie three months ago and they’ve been communicating behind my back. Few things came up that caught him out and he blatantly lied. She came to me wanting to sort things out and after dinner and a few wines told me. I just don’t know how to move on. Not talking to the friend anymore and partner wants me to ‘get over it’

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/09/2017 16:46

See a solicitor ASAP. Basically if he has legal parental responsibility then he has an equal right to your DD. Absent court orders he cannot force you to hand her over, but if he has her in his custody he does NOT legally have to return her. Basically what this means is that he can pick her up from school/nursery/childminder (they cannot refuse to release her) and take her to his home and you will have to go to court to get her back. When both parents have parental responsibility possession is truly 9/10ths of the law. If he does NOT have parental responsibility you will be able to tell third parties that they are not to release the child to him.

If the two of you jointly own or rent a home you cannot legally change the locks or technically bar him entry, any more than he could do this to you.

As far as your 'friend', honestly, I'd kiss her. She may have betrayed you but she is the one who has finally shown you what a bastard this man is. I'd tell her she's bloody welcome to him!!!!

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 16:48

Wow.. ok

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 16:50

Thank you for the advice re my friend. This a repeated pattern with her. She often contacts her friends partners. I’m certainly not saying that either of them are wrong but it’s a hurtful intentio

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 16:51

To be honest.. she showed up to my house and was busting to tell me

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becotide · 26/09/2017 16:57

DOn'tt let your irritation at your friend cloud your judgement with your partner. He's an abuser. WOuld he hit you if you actually argued with him and insisted he leave, ie started packing his bags and putting them outside? It's not necessaarily a bad thing if he WOULD hit you - because once he raises his hand, there are no grey areas. The police can arrest him.

I would strongly suggest you take some family leave from work and use that time to find a child minder for your daughter, one he won't know about and who doesn't know him. He's the sort of control freak who would take her to spite you. Don't allow contact until you have a court order in place ensuring he can't just snatch her.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:00

He is known in his family as ‘the strangler’

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:02

He grabbed me when I was pregnant and grabbed my son. He did apologise to my son
Profusely but always says he diesng listen etc

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:04

My son does have a tendancy to be lazy and not motivated... but def not naughty, nasty etc

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Blueeyes91 · 26/09/2017 17:13

As my dad would say 'Ditch the b*h'.

You and your children are far better off without him.

Just keep a cool head. Be calm and civilised. Do not rise when he gets angry or tries to be his idiot self. He will hate seeing that reaction and cause himself to look the fool.

Keep a diary of any inappropriate comments or actions. Store any messages you or he send each other too.

He's the fool. Don't let him get you down. You're far better than he!

HeavenlyEyes · 26/09/2017 17:13

this man is an abuser using the threat of taking your daughter as a way of control. You need to contact Women's Aid, the police, tell your GP and anyone else who can have it on record. Plus school and nursery. You also need counselling and the freedom programme for yourself to work out why on earth you put up with this treatment from him. You need to do all of the above immediately. Also the house - it is in your name? If so change the locks. He needs removing immediately.

Why after him grabbing you and your son - did you not tell the police?

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:23

Hi heavenly eyes, being in a position ti
I respond to you . Sorry I know it’s terribly simply

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:24

He’s tried to position himself that I’m an alcoholic and apparently I so drugs

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:26

Honestly heavenly eyes... you convince yourself about what’s ok

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becotide · 26/09/2017 17:28

It doesn't matter what he says, he's a known liar.

Now,do the police have any record of his violence towards you or have you been protecting him from the consequences of his actions?

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:32

How do I mark
Messages.

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:32

Thought we would do been going together

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kittensinmydinner1 · 26/09/2017 17:38

You say 'we' rent. Are both names on the rent agreement ? If so contact National Domestic Violence helpline as advised above. If your sole name, then change locks and tell him to piss off. If you think there is any chance of him not accepting this and being violent or abduction of daughter let the police know your intentions. Police should have specialist DV officers for advice.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:45

Asi said I caught him out lying a lot.. he always turned if into me being a drug addict or alcoholic

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:46

Thank you. I know this is make or break up

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:48

He’s never included ang tyoe of invovekncd

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:50

Thank you

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Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 17:50

I’ve made so msny mistakes

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HeavenlyEyes · 26/09/2017 18:02

There is no make surely? So he accuses you of being a drug user and alcoholic yet you want to make it work with him. You are working and can support yourself. But you think splitting with him is not that simple. Sorry - but with the right support it is simple indeed. Many of us have been through similar.

Where is his proof that you take drugs or are an alcoholic?

PollytheDoily · 26/09/2017 18:13

He is an absolute arsehole in many, many ways. You must rid yourself of him as soon as you can.

Original poster
Letsgoagain · 26/09/2017 18:23

There’s no evidence of anything. Of course I’ve had a wine etc

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