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Original poster

'D'H mobile phone

89 replies

Imsorrynow · 20/08/2017 23:39

Temporarily NC for this. Long time member, occasional poster.
Married 35 years, both mid 50's. Three grown up, independent DC.
'D'H and I run a business together so finances complicated. We employ 20+ people from our village, mostly middle aged women like myself.
My question is this. Why would my husband have the number of one of our lady employees saved on his phone as Mr John Brown?
I know the answer, obviously. But could there be another, more innocent explanation?
DH is not tech savy. He probably thinks it's a stroke of genius to save a number under an assumed name (twat). And I download the bills every month for accounting purposes so I can monitor his calls at the touch of a button (double twat). Calls have been very early or late at night, and when I've been away visiting DD. Long calls, usually 30 minutes plus.
We are not in a financial position for me to up and leave. It would have drastic implications on the business and everyone's jobs.
I am in a bit of a quandary and don't really know where to start.
It's not the first time he's betrayed me. We worked through it ten years ago for the sake of the DC who were still at home and at important stages of their education, and also because the business couldn't have weathered a divorce.
Any advice/suggestions would be massively appreciated.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 20/08/2017 23:57

Can the business be sold ? Run with just one of you ?

Do you want to work at the marriage again ? What do you want - no one else matters ....

SandyY2K · 21/08/2017 00:04

I can't think of any other logical reason he'd have her number saved as a man's name. An affair would be my conclusion, especially as the calls are all in your absence.

How long do the calls go back?

KeyChange · 21/08/2017 00:04

Sorry - as you know, there are no innocent explanations for the phone entry.

I think in your shoes I would have to confront him. I would not give him another chance.

Can you try to make the business work despite the marriage being over? You cant be shackled to a cheat forever x

MyheartbelongstoG · 21/08/2017 00:09

My ex husband did this. Jane was john for example. Also a twat.

What a pair of bastards.

What do you want to do?

SandyY2K · 21/08/2017 00:14

Is the OW married?

stayathomegardener · 21/08/2017 00:16

Questions to ask yourself whilst securing more evidence.
Could you really stay with him if he is cheating again?
With independent children is running the business so crucial now?

Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 00:22

I'd walk away tomorrow if I could. I'm feeling strangely unemotional about it all. I know now I don't love him. I don't even like him much.
We both have very different roles in the business and I suppose it could still work - in the short term any way. Neither of us could afford to buy the other out and I don't want to jeopardise the business and cause any job losses. It's a mess.
I've got to face OW tomorrow afternoon. I will have to decide if and when I'm going to confront DH. I might have a chat with eldest DS first and give the kids advanced warning. Oh crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 00:22

OW is separated. Mid 40's.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 21/08/2017 00:25

Please don't involve your kids, it's not fair. They only need to be told on a need to know basis when serious decisions are made.

Can you call a meeting tomorrow at very short notice and just invite him and her. Ie just ask approach her and ask her to pop to the force with you where he's already waiting and tell the, you know exactly what's going on but want to hear it from them.

Then sack her and divorce him!

thegirlupnorth · 21/08/2017 00:25

Force - office!

MyheartbelongstoG · 21/08/2017 00:28

I'd make her squirm op.

Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 00:31

Eldest DS is a director so really needs to know before decisions affecting his future and the business are made.
I don't think I've got the bottle to confront the pair of them based on a few phone calls which is all I've got.
I wish I could sack her but unfortunately she's very good at her job and I'm not sure where I'd stand with regards to the Lawanda fair dismissal :(
Better try and get some sleep.
Thanks all for your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 00:32

law and unfair

OP posts:
Herefortheduration · 21/08/2017 00:33

Only reason I can think of for false name and long calls in your absence, is affair.

Dh had an affair 10 years ago, we worked it out. He does it again and that's it 100%, no more marriage. Good luck with what you decide.

MyheartbelongstoG · 21/08/2017 00:33

Good night op Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2017 02:31

Talk to a lawyer, get a financial advisor, open up your own bank account if you don't have one already, and make your plans to put the screws to your husband. As the saying goes, Hell hath no fury...

Angelf1sh · 21/08/2017 05:27

If you've employed her for more than two years then she'd be well within her rights to sue for UD if you sacked her. Definitely don't do that as tempting as it might be. Good luck with what you decide to do, hopefully you can still run the business together even if you separate.

DownTownAbbey · 21/08/2017 07:52

If you can be dispassionate about working with an ex there's no reason why you should stay with this idiot. Annie Lennox carried on working with Dave Stewart and Abba continued after everyone split up. Flowers

scottishdiem · 21/08/2017 08:42

Is her name Victoria? Was that film a mis-remembered favourite of someone? (Mrs Brown)

Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 08:49

Thanks for your views. We've been building this business for close on 25 years. It's never going to make a fortune and some years it's been a struggle to keep our heads above water so it's been stressful. But neither of us are going to want to abandon it after investing so much of ourselves in it. And to be honest I'm not qualified to do much else!
Didn't get much sleep last night so feel a wreck but need to crack on with the day.
I don't really have anyone to talk to in RL. Often when you're so involved in the day to day running of a small business it's all consuming and friendships get put on the back burner - so thanks for listening!

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 08:50

Nah- John Brown = no imagination!

OP posts:
rosesarethorny · 21/08/2017 08:54

What you don't want is for you and H to divorce and for OW to end up in your place running the business with H. A solicitor with a knowledge of company law and how assets can be split whilst still keeping it as a going concern would seem to be a good initial approach for you.

It' not surprising you feel little emotion towards H, from what you say he has used up all his goodwill with you. Get all the relevant advice and evidence you need before confronting, this will also help you keep DD on side. A private detective perhaps?

Original poster
Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 09:12

roses exactly that, he has used up his goodwill. And I think if there had been an honest and upfront discussion we could have bashed out a workable solution and kept the business going without too much damage.
As for the OW stepping in my shoes. Over my dead body! You're right though, a solicitors appointment on the quiet would be a sensible move.

OP posts:
Coldkebab · 21/08/2017 09:21

Im so sorry to hear of your situation. Firstly your amazing i would be a mess. And i feel maybe you need confirmation that its def an affair, althou i cant imagine any other reason for the mis named employee. Another thought on a bit of a bunny boiler thing you could play some games with this. I hope that doesnt sound insensitive because i really dont mean it to

rainbowstardrops · 21/08/2017 09:33

So sorry to read this OP. Personally, I'd be trying to get a bit more proof together before I confronted either of them but it certainly doesn't look good on his part.

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