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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'D'H mobile phone

89 replies

Imsorrynow · 20/08/2017 23:39

Temporarily NC for this. Long time member, occasional poster.
Married 35 years, both mid 50's. Three grown up, independent DC.
'D'H and I run a business together so finances complicated. We employ 20+ people from our village, mostly middle aged women like myself.
My question is this. Why would my husband have the number of one of our lady employees saved on his phone as Mr John Brown?
I know the answer, obviously. But could there be another, more innocent explanation?
DH is not tech savy. He probably thinks it's a stroke of genius to save a number under an assumed name (twat). And I download the bills every month for accounting purposes so I can monitor his calls at the touch of a button (double twat). Calls have been very early or late at night, and when I've been away visiting DD. Long calls, usually 30 minutes plus.
We are not in a financial position for me to up and leave. It would have drastic implications on the business and everyone's jobs.
I am in a bit of a quandary and don't really know where to start.
It's not the first time he's betrayed me. We worked through it ten years ago for the sake of the DC who were still at home and at important stages of their education, and also because the business couldn't have weathered a divorce.
Any advice/suggestions would be massively appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 09:39

I cried an ocean the first time kebab and if I'd known about MN ten years ago my reactions his fling then might have been very different. I did everything wrong. You name it, I did it! I didn't tell a soul, did the pick me dance, didn't get counselling, let his life carry on without any repercussions basically. What a fool I was.
I would like more concrete evidence this time round for my own satisfaction really. I won't be humiliated the same way again.

OP posts:

stayathomegardener · 21/08/2017 12:23

Could you put a listening device in the areas he is likely to make the calls?

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 14:50

I'm struggling to act normally around 'John Brown' this afternoon.
Nobody would suspect a thing. She and he are giving nothing away.
I suspect I'd look like a mad woman if I accused either of them of playing away.
Think I'm going to develop a migraine and slope off for the rest of the day.

OP posts:

Flyingflipflop · 21/08/2017 14:53

I bet your husband used to play rugby using John Brown.....

GlitteryFluff · 21/08/2017 15:00

Have you been able to look at his phone any further for any texts or emails to get some more evidence?
I'd be tempted to print out the call logs and highlight each time he's contacted her, add it up with a total at the bottom and present to him when you're ready.
Is acting different? Is he going out more often? Are they spending alone time together?
How long ago did she separate?
Wondering if he'll just say oh she's struggling with the separation so I'm just a listening ear. Obviously if it was 10 years ago then that wouldn't work but if t was recent he might try to wiggle his way out of it by minimising.
for you.

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 16:02

Whereas until recently he has been very casual about leaving his phone lying around, now it's practically glued to him. He's always said he 'can't' text but the phone bills itemise several text messages so that's obviously a new skill he's learnt!
I'm not sure how long John Brown has been separated. It's not a recent thing I don't think. I'm pretty sure H would say 'We only talk' but that's what he said last time and I later found out that things had progressed way further than just chatting.
I get the feeling this isn't innocent but I'm not prepared to make a complete fool of myself by confronting him too early just in case I've got it wrong. His hobbies mean he's out of the house a lot evenings and weekends so he could quite easily arrange meetups if he wanted to.
Thanks for the flowers.

OP posts:

crookedpinky · 21/08/2017 18:43

His hobbies mean he's out of the house a lot evenings and weekends

Excellent. You can get to work on photocopying all the paperwork, moving your documents to a safe place and using technology to its best advantage IYKWIM.

I have no doubt your suspicions are well founded, but they sound very cool customers. You will need to stay one step ahead of them.

perper · 21/08/2017 21:55

Imsorrynow So sorry to hear you're going through this (for a second time!)

If it's eating you up, confront him. But if you think you can bear it I'd want to collect as much evidence as possible. What type of phone is it? If it's an iphone and you/he also have a mac computer you can log into his messages from there and it can show up deleted messages- I know from experience unfortunately. Also facetime sometimes still shows deleted phone calls.

Just to be doubly certain, do you also contact her on that same number if you need to? Just in case she's passed the phone on or has a partner or something- highly unlikely but best to be extra sure.

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 22:38

I had no idea that it was possible to log into messages. DH has an iPhone and I've got a MacBook so I will definitely be looking into that perper I'm sorry that you've also had to become a super sleuth :(
I found out OW was John Brown by typing the number which kept appearing on the itemised bills into the Facebook search facility. That was something I'd remembered seeing on MN! I've never needed to phone OW myself but I I'm as certain as I can be that she still has the phone.
I'm sure if I was feeling more emotional I would have to confront DH but as it is I'm prepared to sit it out and be absolutely sure of what I'm facing. I will NOT be trying to win him back But I need to get it clear in my mind what I do want to happen in the future.
It's helping just writing it down here and listening to your comments. Thanks.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 21/08/2017 22:53

You can't sack her even if you caught them in bed sadly.

Do you have the means to hire a private investigator? If so, I'd go that route. Many have been caught out by a suspecting spouse, planning a night or weekend away and the P. I being alerted to this. It generally results in the required evidence.

Otherwise VAR in his car would be a wise move.

Any idea where he

perper · 21/08/2017 23:10

Imsorrynow If it's not his mac then you'll need to know his apple account details I think to log in. Basically press command and space on your mac, type in messages to open up the messages app (sorry if this is like sucking eggs!) and sign in to his account. Should work...

Be warned though he may get an email to say that someone has logged in on a new device so it may be best to do at a time when you also have his phone to intercept the email...

Also I'm not sure how it decided which messages still show- I know in my experience it showed his messages to another other person, but not their replies. I'm also not sure whether it showed all of them.

I thiiiiink if you log into their apple account online it may be possible to see more but it's not something I've done so not sure of the ins and outs of it.

Good luck- really sorry to have to be sharing in sleuth skills but I feel like if the situation demands it then there's little other choice!

yetmorecrap · 21/08/2017 23:16

The true caller app picks this up as well, not every time but pretty frequently, more so than Facebook. I feel for you, similar position except without the 20 employees, just the 1 but we too work together . My issue though was something with that employee. In my case it was innocent enough stuff when I actually stopped but way way too much of it , all initiated by her and DH without the balls to tell her to give it a rest because we needed her in the business. Eventually I had to confront and tell her. However if it's long calls too that's not good. Get a usb stick 'recorder'. Say you are going out for a few hours, hide it somewhere in the room you think he is most likely to make calls. (They are cheap so get a couple) they can record for up to 13 hours . Keep repeating, if he us up to no good at some point you will get evidence. It's truly horrible OP, but I totally understand the need to know after years like you building a business

gingergenius · 21/08/2017 23:21

No advice op but in a sort of situation molar situation. Running a business with a cheating partner is very hard. Hope it isn't what you suspect x

perper · 21/08/2017 23:21

Another idea- if you have an iphone yourself too the easiest way to find out where he goes would be to open up his 'find my friends' app and add yourself as someone he shares his location with, then you'll be able to view his location in the app on your phone.

If you don't have an iphone you can do it from your mac: support.apple.com/kb/PH21856?viewlocale=en_US&locale=en_US

perper · 21/08/2017 23:23

(With the 'find friends' app I think it sometimes gets the exact location wrong, and a lot of people on google seem to agree- generally it's very good though, just not necessarily 100%)

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 21/08/2017 23:47

Thanks for all the suggestions above. Definitely some I'm going to look into! It helps that H isn't a tech wizard but I'll still tread very carefully.
Night all.

OP posts:

MrsCK · 22/08/2017 18:35

How are you doing today op?

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 22/08/2017 20:03

Thanks for thinking of me! H is going away for the weekend supposedly for his hobby which isn't unusual in itself.
I actually enjoy having the house to myself with just the pets for company to be honest.
JBrown is due to work one day over the weekend so, unless the destination he has given me is a red herring, I don't think he's taking her.
I can't get anywhere near his phone!

OP posts:

Mumof41987 · 22/08/2017 21:22

Be interesting to see if she phones in sick . If she does you should maybe pay a little visit to his hobby destination and surprise them

yetmorecrap · 22/08/2017 21:38

Does he use whatsapp OP do you know?? If you don't know, get it yourself , add the other woman to your phone book too and you can see if they both have it. If they do let me know and I will pm you, you can track their activity on it , even if not the messages

PowerPantsRule · 22/08/2017 21:45

Yetmorecrap - can you do this for me too? I would really appreciate a PM, thanks so much.

Original poster

Imsorrynow · 22/08/2017 23:49

yetmore As far as I know he doesn't have whatsapp, he doesn't even have an active Facebook profile although he has registered.
I've got it though. I like it more than FB and use it lots to keep in touch with family.
If I add OW to my phone book she won't get an alert will she?
Mumof She hadn't better call in sick! We have a lot of staff on holiday so we're pretty stretched as it is. DH deciding to go away this weekend hasn't helped!

OP posts:

stayathomegardener · 23/08/2017 00:05

Can you get another phone hidden in his car with location switched on.
At least then you can see if he is where he says he is.

perper · 23/08/2017 00:10

Yetmorecrap You can track other people's activity on whatsapp?! Wow, that is well beyond my skills... and slightly terrifying! How?

Imsorrynow what about when he's asleep?

Coldkebab · 23/08/2017 12:01

Have you got any more proof? I would love the house to myself for the weekend. No kids dp out lush

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