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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling like i dont matter

85 replies

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:39

So my husbands daughter is off to uni and has demanded my husband go with her and her mother( his first wife) to move her in. Its an hour or so away from us and she knows how much its going to.upset me. My husband doesnt want to but is going even though he knows how i feel. We both work a lot and have a little girl at home so time is really valued. He hasnt ever done anything with his ex wife and the kids since they split when his daughter was 4. I wasnt asked to go. Feels like they are going off to play happy families and my feelings and me are forgotten or dont matter. His eldest daughter is also coming to stay that weekend as its her birthday the one before but we cant do anything as hes off with the other daughter. I feel this is bery selfish and its also causi g me to not want my husband near me as i cant stand the thiyght of him playibg happy familys.

This is one selfish issue in a whole list of them im at my wits end

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2017 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SonicBoomBoom · 17/08/2017 20:43

So his teenage daughter is going off to university for the first time and wants her mum and dad there with her, just like hundreds of thousands of other students?

Certainly someone is being selfish here, but it's not your DH or DSD...

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:43

Hes not selfish she is. I dont undrstand why she needs two people to move her in and why she would upset others to be so selfish

OP posts:

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:43

Hes not selfish she is. I dont undrstand why she needs two people to move her in and why she would upset others to be so selfish

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/08/2017 20:45

She is not selfish to want her mum and dad to help her move into Uni. You sad yourself that they hadn't done anything together since she was 4 so if she wants them both together once in 14 years I think that's perfectly reasonable and I am astonished you think that this is selfish behaviour.

Why is the older daughter staying with you when her dads not there?

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:46

But they never do anything together and shes never asked before. He did all the visits every weekend for two months and she wasnt even interested. And what about his other daughters birthday? I always consider thete feelings right down to if i marry there dad or not

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/08/2017 20:48

Surely you are not serious?

She wants her mum and dad to take her to university for the first time. Completely 100% normal.

Him not wanting to because, um, I'm not actually sure of why from your post, well, that would make me think very badly of him.

Is the mother to be erased from her life, replaced by you? Or do you want DD erased from her father's life? Or is it the memory of his past relationship that must be ripped out?

Why on earth are you upset about something so very normal?

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:48

Because its her only time off work to come over wr live a hour drive from them and they dont drive. I can see grad day but not moving in we could of all gone later on and celebrated the birthday and uni.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/08/2017 20:49

"But they never do anything together and shes never asked before"

What - she's never asked him to be there for her first day at Uni before? I wonder why.

His other daughter is an adult. I'll ask again, why is she staying with you when her dads not there?

SonicBoomBoom · 17/08/2017 20:51

I always consider thete feelings right down to if i marry there dad or not

You're not considering her feelings now. I'm assuming you didn't move away on your own for university. It's scary, and a massive deal for a young person. I definitely wanted both my parents there when I did it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/08/2017 20:51

His adult daughter needs to be spending her birthday getting pissed with friends or boyfriend. Not sedately sitting round her dads house.

Your feelings are odd, and not normal.

MadeForThis · 17/08/2017 20:53

What do you think is going to happen?

It will be a boring day moving stuff to her new house/halls. At most they will go out for lunch. His other daughter can speak up for herself. Don't get offended on her behalf.

Plan something fun for you and your DD to do and the day will fly past.

You sound very jealous and controlling.

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:54

No i would never even think i would replace nor do i want to. We have just got married she hasnt botbered before.. sorry i disagree with you guys dont mean to offend or start a row. He doesnt want to go the same time as his ex he wanted to make it more of a celebrating meal and food shop all of us

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/08/2017 20:56

I'ts not about what he wants though. Don't you get that?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/08/2017 20:58

YOu could have celebrated with a meal anytime. When she got her A level results, when she got her offer letter.

Who took her round to look at the different universities before she applied?

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:58

Im insecure not jealous and def not controlling i havent told him how i feel but im guessing he must know. She will be out with mates on her birthday but surly wants to see her dad to as he raised her. We wont be sat around also she wants to see her little sister but wont speak up as i wont because she just gets shouted down. I did uni thanks and and yes was scared but my dad was away in forces and i went up but then again was much more mature

OP posts:

Jellyheadbang · 17/08/2017 20:59

I haven't read the full thread but seriously?! An 18 year old girl is moving away for the first time and you're saying it doesn't need two people to help her move?
This is a pretty epic move and important time in their lives which will only happen once for this girl.
If you think anything of her and her Dad please don't ruin it with your anxiety and jealousy. You have your little girl to be a role model for, your dh's little girl is on the way to adulthood and independence, be kind, find someone else to moan about it to or distract yourself with a special day out for you and your little one, don't make this into a big deal he wrong reasons.

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:00

We did two months of visits every weekend and her mother wasnt interested. We celebrated her results but dont see her often as she works in bar m9st weekends and lives an hour away and doesnt drive.

OP posts:

JT05 · 17/08/2017 21:02

For some going to Uni is a right of passage moment. I can fully understand the need for parent and child to be part of it.
It will be over in half a day and you can get on as normal.

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:03

Im not moaning at him at all im on here to voice for first time. Im good enough to take money off though il do my bit that way as per

OP posts:

mumof06darlings · 17/08/2017 21:04

When your dd starts her first day at uni, do you expect you and your dh to be there. Put the shoe on the other foot.

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:05

Or clearly im in the wrong relationship hmm theres food for thought. Il leave now thank you for your views im processing them but most of all thank yoi for yoir time to listen to me moan.

OP posts:

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:05

He didnt even do first day at school with her

OP posts:

LinaLaaamont · 17/08/2017 21:06

If your DH hasn't been involved since his DD was four, you should be delighted for him that he is still wanted to share this special occasion with her. I very much doubt it is being done to spite you.

Original poster

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:06

I mean first day at school with our daughter

OP posts:

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