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Original poster

Feeling like i dont matter

85 replies

Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 20:39

So my husbands daughter is off to uni and has demanded my husband go with her and her mother( his first wife) to move her in. Its an hour or so away from us and she knows how much its going to.upset me. My husband doesnt want to but is going even though he knows how i feel. We both work a lot and have a little girl at home so time is really valued. He hasnt ever done anything with his ex wife and the kids since they split when his daughter was 4. I wasnt asked to go. Feels like they are going off to play happy families and my feelings and me are forgotten or dont matter. His eldest daughter is also coming to stay that weekend as its her birthday the one before but we cant do anything as hes off with the other daughter. I feel this is bery selfish and its also causi g me to not want my husband near me as i cant stand the thiyght of him playibg happy familys.

This is one selfish issue in a whole list of them im at my wits end

OP posts:
Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:07

He was invouled all the time just shes the only one who gets everything she wants

OP posts:
mumof06darlings · 17/08/2017 21:07

I dunno so but if your dd wanted her dad there for her first day at uni and asked straight out, what would you think if he didn't go.

Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:09

She asked for first day at school and he didnt as his other daughter wasnt keen as she was a teenager and not keen on sharing her dad

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/08/2017 21:09

I'm sure there must be a backstory here because girl wants both her parents to be there at a big once in a lifetime event is reasonable and NOT selfish

Is the eldest daughter ok with it?

She is his daughter as much as yours is

mumof06darlings · 17/08/2017 21:09

I think it's a small saracifice to keep her happy. It's a few hours away so I don't think it's unreasonable. I know you might be upset about it but in the nicest possible way I think you need to be the bigger person here and pick your battles

SonicBoomBoom · 17/08/2017 21:11

but my dad was away in forces and i went up but then again was much more mature

Well you seem to have regressed significantly since then.

He is being an adequate father by going with her to help her get sorted and settled in. He's not even going above and beyond. Just let his DD have her dad's focus for one measly weekend, you'll have him the rest of the time.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/08/2017 21:12

You are being ridiculous!!! You want him to spend time with you? He lives with you! You see him everyday

Fgs it's only a couple of hours! This is a very important landmark for his daughter and you should be supporting it.

Grow up

user1499333856 · 17/08/2017 21:12

The girl is absolutely entitled to have both her parents with her on her first day at university.

You are totally out of line. This is not about you, your husband or his ex wife. This is about that girl sharing a moment with her parents before she embarks on the next step in her life. She doesn't want you there, she wants her mother. You knew all about this other family before you married him, I assume. Why are you getting in the way of his parental duty to her? It's no harm to you.

You could handle this entire situation with good grace. And it has nothing to do with other daughter's birthday, the daughter you share or your recent marriage. All noise because you simply don't want your husband to go because you are in all likelihood jealous.

WombOfOnesOwn · 17/08/2017 21:12

I feel bad for this poor girl you are dismissing as selfish when she wants something very normal.

I would guess you are not nearly as nice a stepmother as you think you are. If you were, she'd want you along. Let me guess, you always have to be centered and feel "important" in other people's life events?

Do people mysteriously leave you off wedding invitation lists and such as well?

PerfectPenquins · 17/08/2017 21:13

You are being so selfish her parents are her family, she wants them both there. Its very sad your oh apparently does not want to be there what a shame, though he has most probably picked up on your attitude about it.

Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:15

Im not battling it just maybe a bit of reassurance from him and acknowledge that i feel pushed out and not great about them playing happy families. He wobt tell other daughter until iv picked her up incase she isnt happy. I feel like im being used as peace keeper and no one is considering my feelings. Il say again thou im not saying any of this to him im tryi g to be supportive

OP posts:
Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:18

I guess tbe full picture is needed here im not even going to start. Cant be that bad as older daughter calls me step mum and is always in contact but we are close in age and im not a step mum to other one unless she wants something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:19

And i cant even take my daughters real dad to parents eve as i get slated by him and both his kids

OP posts:
AfunaMbatata · 17/08/2017 21:26

You went to uni?! Shock

DancesWithOtters · 17/08/2017 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2017 21:28

Ok if your name is correct from what you are saying you are closer in age to your step daughters than too your partner?

The problem is that is coming across, you are competing with them and clearly see them as competiton so they are treating you as such but at the same time demanding that they treat you as an adult to there child

This time it's not about you, you are making it about you, that they are playing happy families and she did it deliberately. Why not see the truth as being she wants her mum and dad to see her off to uni

DancesWithOtters · 17/08/2017 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:35

Ok so why is it ok for them but by tbere standards not ok for my daughter and i. Some people on here are very rude. Only come on here to sound off. For everyones piece of mind im planning on leaving my marriage as you can see its not a happy one and im fed up of double standards from him and the kids. The kids dictate our relationship such as when we holiday, where we live, right down to what animals we keep..

OP posts:
Original poster
Agnus86 · 17/08/2017 21:36

Its my husbands k8ds that dont want my daughter seeing there real dad as it upsets there dad. Its nothing to do with them

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/08/2017 21:43

Ok you are not making sense

user1499333856 · 17/08/2017 21:44

For what reason do they dictate what animals you can keep?

SonicBoomBoom · 17/08/2017 21:44

The kids dictate our relationship such as when we holiday, where we live, right down to what animals we keep..

That sounds quite normal when you have teenage children.

But you've decided to leave your marriage because your DSD wants her dad with her when she goes off to university?

Utterly batshit.

But probably for the best, as you're clearly not mature enough to be in a relationship with a man who has children, and need the whole world to revolve around you.

I think I just heard your DH's sigh of relief from here.

FritzDonovan · 17/08/2017 22:00

She asked for first day at school and he didnt as his other daughter wasnt keen as she was a teenager and not keen on sharing her dad
Well that's crap parenting on his part, being dictated to by one child. Maybe he needs to work on that.
Although I see you are planning on leaving anyway. Not surprising if you can't blend the families between the pair of you without a great deal of animosity towards his previous family. Probably the best for everyone.

Hermonie2016 · 17/08/2017 22:03

Do you feel you have compromised to much so are now resentful?

You are not being reasonable here so guess resentment has built.If you are much younger have you now felt like you regret some decisions?

You don't need to end your marriage but try to negotiate different boundaries.If your dd has events then invite her father if it's the right thing to do, don't do it for revenge or to even up things.

I would say if your rules are that ex's aren't included as it offends current partner then that's unhealthy.It should always be based on best interests for the child, unless ex is abusive.

Don't be unhappy about the uni move in, be a bigger person and ensure you always act in your child's interests.If that upsets your H then it's his issue to deal with.

helpme85 · 17/08/2017 22:04

Agnus stand back. Calm down.

Is it your insecurity dictating this relationship ?

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