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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Babys dad planning me to miscarry

100 replies

Winsister · 25/06/2017 21:52

I need advice.
My Friend with benefits and I conceived a baby, I was in love with him until he stated he wanted me to have an abortion and also bought [text edited out by MNHQ] to cause me to have a miscarriage.

He has done numerous internet searches on what would cause miscarriages.

How do I make sure he Doesnt have anything to do with our baby when its here.
I'm 10 weeks atm and I'm very scared he'll try and poison me and my baby.

OP posts:

ClappingThighs · 25/06/2017 21:54

Run for the hills, get a restraining order if you're serious. Cut contact and don't let him anywhere near you or your child.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 25/06/2017 21:55

Don't have any contact with him. He doesn't sound much of a friend.

Hoppinggreen · 25/06/2017 21:55

Why are you letting him within 6 feet of you?
Keep well away from him

Mummamayhem · 25/06/2017 21:55

Jesus. Keep well away, tell someone you trust who can help keep you safe and the police surely?

Itscurtainsforyou · 25/06/2017 21:56

You need to get rid of him now. Cut all contact, don't give him any opportunity to harm you (e.g. by eating anything he's "researched" will harm you/baby).

You have you had your booking in appointment yet? You need to tell the midwife what is happening and she will help you.

sunflowersyellow · 25/06/2017 22:12

Run. I had this. We ended up having a full on fight when I was 8 weeks even though he had never physically harmed me before. Looking back I'm sure he did that on purpose as he made it clear he hated me for 'getting pregnant on purpose' I too was worried he was trying to give me special teas etc. He kept buying me alcoholic drinks when we went out and insisting I drank them even though I didn't want to drink. He kept asking why I'd want to keep the baby and that it didn't make sense at all.
Run!! I'd give anything to go back now and run away. A week after I lost the baby he rang me and said he just wanted to be friends and never wanted to sleep with me again because of what's happened. That's when I finally said enough is enough. Too late for me though!
Go to women's aid or whatever it takes.

MNHQ

IonaMumsnet · 25/06/2017 22:36

Evening all. OP, we hope you don't mind but we have edited your original post as there was some detail in there that we didn't think it was a good idea to have up on the internet.

Do take care of yourself and stay safe. We would echo what previous posters have said - the support of other Mumsnetters is invaluable but it would really be best to seek immediate, professional help in real life, too.

Mumteedum · 25/06/2017 22:39

Go to the police. Also women's aid and get restraining order.

HildaOg · 26/06/2017 00:43

He very strongly doesn't want you having his child. I do think that women should take the mans opinion into account when making a decision on whether to keep it and if you discard his opinion let him not be involved, that includes not holding him financially responsible for a kid he didn't want.

C0untDucku1a · 26/06/2017 00:49

Or hilda, he could have taken more respinsibility with contraceptive issues, number one being nothing is 100%.

And even if someone strongly doesnt want a child, there is no excuse for trying to cause a miscarriage. That is appalling behaviour. Utterly disgusting and shows what a dangerous man he is.

In fact im reporting you for victim blaming. Im appalled by your comment.

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/06/2017 00:58

He very strongly doesn't want you having his child.

Then he should have put something in the end of it. Completely agree with @C0untDucku1a .

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/06/2017 00:58

*on

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 01:01

I am sick and tired of this trope of victim blaming thrown out on MN at the drop of a hat. First of all, in what way is OK a victim? No crime has been committed yet. Secondly @hildaog is not blaming anyone, she simply said that since he feels so strongly about not having a child, the OP should go it alone. I think that is sensible as a man who could research abortificants and try to administer them has the potential to cause trouble to her an the child later in life. In her shoes, I would be going for a termination and ridding myself of ANY link to this man forevermore.

Dawndonnaagain · 26/06/2017 01:03

That's what you would do fatdogs. She's not you, I also doubt that she came here for the sort of judgement you and Hilda are choosing to dish out.

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 01:04

Doing internet searches in itself is not a crime and in no way makes the OP a victim so not one is blaming her for anything. Jeez, I think some posters have no idea what victim blaming actually means and use it simply to ingratiate themselves with other overreactuonary posters on MN.

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 01:09

Well here's some advice then there is no way to prevent him from applying to court for contact once the child is born. As the biological father he can apply as of right and a child has the right to do have contact with his/her parent. Courts will refuse contact if there is evidence that this will not be in the welfare of the child. Allegations that he wanted her to have a abortion may not be sufficient evidence in itself. She could present evidence of the internet searches but all they will show is someone searched for them but unless she could prove it was conclusively him, the courts are not likely to take it into account. In fact he could turn around and say she made the searches as she was unsure about keeping the baby, if she also has access to that particular laptop or PC.
So unless he makes verifiable threats or assaults against the OP or the child,courts are likely to grant him contact.
So so make sure this man is out of her life for good, best to seek a termination and move on and never contact him again.

rinabean · 26/06/2017 01:18

he is looking for ways to poison her

How much clearer can it get?

She's not a victim because he's still to successfully poison her. And it's her fault because she should have thought about not choosing to get pregnant (I assume she stole his sperm)

this thread's a fucking shambles.

OP please please ignore anyone who says you are at all responsible for this man trying to "cause trouble for you" (POISON you)

a man is trying to poison you, don't let any dickheads try and erase that. This is really really serious. You need help, get out of there, don't let him contact you. If you are living with him you must leave, contact women's aid for advice if you need it, otherwise just get out of there, go and stay with anyone but him. If you are worried he will come after you, talk to the police. Talking to your midwife asap is a great idea because she will be able to point you to all of this as well, probably much better than I can because I am not a professional! Please please please take this very very seriously and get help. This is beyond not wanting a kid, he is TRYING TO POISON YOU it cannot be clearer, you must protect yourself

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 01:21

And being in love is not the same as a friends with benefits relationship. It's having feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same way. Have you told him you were in love with him before? Or did you leave him thinking you were also happy with a no strings attached benefits situation. If it is the latter, I can see how he feels very bitter and trapped. Although trying to poison you is not on at all. Are you living with him? Does he have access to any thing you may consume?

OkPedro · 26/06/2017 01:22

Personally i wouldn't have the baby. I'd then get a restraining order against your FWB. Imagine being tied to this "person" for the rest of your life?

VestalVirgin · 26/06/2017 01:33

OP, run for the hills.

Consider telling him that you had a miscarriage so that he doesn't get any ideas in his head to interfere with your raising your child.
(Men sometimes decide they want to use a child to control a woman, even if they said they wanted nothing to do with the baby before it was born and in the early years, and never paid a penny.)

I am confused as to why the name of the substance was edited out. Are women not allowed to know what causes miscarriages?
It is very easy to find out via google search what substances cause miscarriages and also kill women, and which hard to acquire drugs are safe to use for abortion.
Very pointless, and means I have no idea how lethal to OP this substance would be.

If it is the latter, I can see how he feels very bitter and trapped.

Oh, please. Everyone knows that when two people have sex, there's a risk one of them (and more likely the woman) will fall in love. If he can't deal with that and feels "bitter" and "trapped", despite the pregnancy being of his own making (condoms are a thing. So are vasectomies. So is just not sticking your dick into a woman), he shouldn't have such relationships.

VestalVirgin · 26/06/2017 01:35

Personally i wouldn't have the baby. I'd then get a restraining order against your FWB. Imagine being tied to this "person" for the rest of your life?

I feel the same, but since OP apparently doesn't, vanishing from his life and letting him believe there is no child is the second best thing.

OkPedro · 26/06/2017 01:37

vestal My worry would be he finds out she's still pregnant/has the baby and he demands a DNA test. She's stuck with him then. He sounds unhinged 😥

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 01:46

How on earth would the OP simply vanish? Presumably he knows where she lives so she would have to move. What about her job? If she moves but still works at the same place, he could still tail her to work and see if she is indeed still pregnant. So she would have to change jobs as well. What about mutual friends (if any)? Do they have to lie or should she give up those friends and disappear from them as well. Where does this end? A man prepared to goto these members is quite unhinged, I do agree. Regardless of whether he feels unfairly treated by circumstances or the OP, poisoning someone is extreme. I would want nothing to do with such a man.

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 01:47

*go to these lengths

TabascoToastie · 26/06/2017 01:59

Is MN being overrun with MRAs on a day trip from Reddit?

The OP is clearly a victim of emotional abuse, and there is evidence father is actively plotting to poison her in order to kill her baby! (Regardless of abortion laws, it is a crime to intentionally induce a miscarriage in someone else -- there might even be evidence for an attempted murder charge.) Wtf are posters on a forum for MUMS doing defending abusive sickos who get women pregnant then try to kill their partners/their own offspring to get out of paying?

Fathers have plenty rights, and an involved father should be allowed equal say over many aspects to do with the child (name, where to send to school, etc.). But no one has the "right" to force another human being into an unnecessary medical procedure or to control their reproductive choices.

A man's control over his own reproduction ends at the tip of his own dick. It's very very easy not to have unprotected sex with a woman. If you get someone pregnant it is your responsibility to financially support the child. Period. Yes, in this particular situation it is sensible for the OP to cut contact with the man since he appears to represent a real risk to her safety, but fundamentally the idea that men should be allowed to run around knocking women up without responsibility is sexist claptrap.

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