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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Babys dad planning me to miscarry

100 replies

Winsister · 25/06/2017 21:52

I need advice.
My Friend with benefits and I conceived a baby, I was in love with him until he stated he wanted me to have an abortion and also bought [text edited out by MNHQ] to cause me to have a miscarriage.

He has done numerous internet searches on what would cause miscarriages.

How do I make sure he Doesnt have anything to do with our baby when its here.
I'm 10 weeks atm and I'm very scared he'll try and poison me and my baby.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/06/2017 02:21

OP do you have any evidence about what he bought to induce miscarriage? Text, email, anything? If you dont then could you get it by a text or email convo getting him to admit it?

What he planned is very much against the law and the police would deal with it but the more evidence you can get the better.

Atenco · 26/06/2017 02:22

Well OP, if it is feasible to move, do so without letting him know where you are.

It is not impossible for him to get parental responsability, but he would need to either go with you to the registry office, or go to court for a dna test to be done and then have to court order for him to be put on the birth cert.

Good luck

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 02:34

No one has said he has the right to force a chemically induced abortion on her. Who said that? Posters have simply pointed out that as things stand he would have the right to apply for contact and apply for the right to be given parental responsibility if he is so minded to take those steps. The CHILD has a right to contact unless it is evidenced to be against the child's welfare and as things stand the evidence may not be sufficient to prove to the court that this man is detrimental to the child's welfare. Unless the OP can prove conclusively that he did conduct the internet searches. The simple existence of I ternet searches may not be sufficient especially if others had access to the computer. So this man could potentially cause a lot of trouble in the OP's life down the road. Disappearing and cutting contact may not be practical depending on OP's circumstances.
How is pointing this out being an MRA or victim blaming?
I will say the OP may have been less than honest with her intentions and the pregnancy may not be all that unintended if she was in love with him. He is allowed to feel bitter, rightly or wrongly. But that does not justify him try g to poison her and I don't think anyone has justified it.

Faithless12 · 26/06/2017 02:37

@fatdogs you clearly have not read @hildaog 's post. Why should men have a right to dictate what happens to a woman's body? So if she wants a termination but he doesn't can he force her to carry to term as well?

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 02:42

HildaOg simply said she should take his opinion into account not follow it to the letter. Nothing wrong in that. Sound advice especially if OP is going to face trouble from a vindictive father deliberately trying to be vexatious. And to also consider that she will have no support from him whatsoever. That may factor into her decision making whether or not to terminate. It's all very well saying he has to be financially responsible, but actually making him be financially responsible is another issue. Remember this is a man prepared to go to illegal lengths to get rid of an unwanted child.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/06/2017 02:46

And further to what Atenco said, if you have proof that he tried or planned to administer this drug during your pregnancy you have a good case for him not getting PR. Although if you can move away then telling him that he got what he wanted, that you have lost the baby, would be good too.

Frankly with a nut job like that, any lie you tell to protect yourself and your baby is fine.

SpareASquare · 26/06/2017 02:51

OP decided she'd have a baby because she was in love with her FWB. FWB did and does not want a child but clearly didn't do anything to prevent it.
FWB did some internet searches and perhaps even bought something. He did not 'try to poison' OP. Surely OP is smart enough to not give him the chance to slip something into her food?

And no, OP, you cannot prevent him having anything to do with the baby. It is one of the consequences of choosing to have one with someone you DON'T want to be connected to for the rest of your life.

Italiangreyhound · 26/06/2017 02:55

HildaOg "I do think that women should take the mans opinion into account when making a decision on whether to keep a child. What utter clap trap.

However, OP I would run for the hills and have no contact with him. Document everything and keep it in case he ever tries to have any contact with the baby. I would make sure his name is not on the birth certificate.

sunflowersyellow I am so sorry to hear your story.

fatdogs stop advising the OP to have a termination, she has come on here because she does not want a termination!

He is not just doing internet searches he has bought something, OP get all your evidence and go to women's aid and the police. Get it on record what he is trying to do to you and the baby so that he can never get near enough to you to hurt you again.

fatdogs "If it is the latter, I can see how he feels very bitter and trapped."

When are men going to learn that sex makes babies! Fuck me, they teach this shit to 11 year olds!

Whether she loved him or not, he is now a very real danger to her and the child and you want to talk about whether this poor man knew she loved him! Yes, she is a victim and you sound like you are blaming her for her predicament, that is victim blaming!

Agree with VestalVirgin "Consider telling him that you had a miscarriage so that he doesn't get any ideas in his head to interfere with your raising your child."

Italiangreyhound · 26/06/2017 03:03

"I will say the OP may have been less than honest with her intentions and the pregnancy may not be all that unintended if she was in love with him." That is pure conjecture made to undermine the OP.

"He is allowed to feel bitter, rightly or wrongly." He is certainly allowed to feel however he likes. But buying something that could poison his partner is not OK. It's more than internet searches.

Spare "did some internet searches and perhaps even bought something." The opening post says he did buy it. Exactly what he did with it, we don't know. But the OP does.

OP find proof of that purchase and take it to the police. Get it on his record.

SpareASquare · 26/06/2017 03:14

Whatever he 'bought' has been edited out so I have no idea what it is. But unless it is something illegal, he's committed no crime.

Unless the OP is giving him access to her food and drink, how is he a danger? Has she caught him trying to slip her something? No need for such hysteria.

OP gets the baby she wanted which is just as much on him. There's no need for him to have any access to 'poison' her. You can sort out child support without food and drink being involved and then just carry on surely?

fatdogs · 26/06/2017 03:15

If he has bought something that is certainly stronger evidence than internet searches. Is there proof HE bought it? Credit card payment or email confirmation of purchase? Keep all of that and go to the police and present it in court should he try applying for PR or contact. This would make a much stronger case.

Italiangreyhound · 26/06/2017 03:21

If it was brought over the internet there should be some evidence.

OP I hope you are OK.

I've just read three stories on line of men who slipped their partners something to bring on abortions. In each case successful. Very, very sad.

TheDogAteMyGoatskinVellum · 26/06/2017 03:31

Imagine reading an OP like that and then having nothing to say other than i dont think you should make him be involved if he doesn't want to! And then not only justifying that, but speculating that OP might have been dishonest, based on nothing more than the dredgings of your own rank imagination! There'd have to be something quite seriously warped about you to do that, when someone posts because they're worried about being poisoned, ffs.

VestalVirgin · 26/06/2017 04:03

Whatever he 'bought' has been edited out so I have no idea what it is. But unless it is something illegal, he's committed no crime.

It was edited out. Now, I don't know what it was, but it sure as hell wasn't one of the drugs used for safe abortions by medical professionals. Even mumsnet headquarters cannot be so delusional to think that people can't find out what those are called.

There are, however, loads and loads of herbs that have been historically used for abortions, often with the result of killing the pregnant woman.

Anyone with a computer and internet access can of course find out what those herbs are, too, but I can imagine mumsnet headquarters think mumsnet users would be stupid (or desperate) enough to try and use those, while at the same time incapable of finding them on the internet. (Or just want to make sure no one can blame mumsnet for an abortion attemptt that results in death.)

There also might be chemicals that cause miscarriages and also kill women, I don't know about those, they might be illegal.

I think we can safely assume that he would happily and gladly risk killing OP. The substance might not even be illegal as such - it is hard to ban a plant that occurs naturally; but his intent to put it in OP's food is intent to ... womanslaughter, I suppose, as he might not outright intend murder.

SpareASquare · 26/06/2017 05:18

This gets more and more ridiculous. The OP has said is that her FWB bought something and did some internet searches and everyone has jumped to "he's trying to kill you'

This is someone the OP is in love with and wants a baby with. Surprise! He doesn't. No sympathy for him but the idea that he is skulking around trying to poison her is ridiculous. If the OP doesn't see him or allow him access to her or her food/drink, how's he going to knock her off?

By all means, go to the police and tell them he bought XX. Put it 'on his record' that he bought XX.

Or just don't see or communicate with him unless officially and carry on.

abbsisspartacus · 26/06/2017 05:29

Trying to bring on a miscarriage can kill you

newdaylight · 26/06/2017 05:40

As far as I can tell OP came for some very specific advice: How do I make sure he Doesnt have anything to do with our baby when its here?

Most the rubbish above doesn't answer that.

My advice OP is to firstly cut out all contact with him and to call Womans Aid who are experts in how you can practically make this thing happen.

Depending on whether he abides by your wishes for no contact out may require orders from police to enforce it, or even moving for your own safety if the risk is high.

When baby is born don't put dad's band lb the birth certificate. This would appear to follow his wishes anyway and would mean he has to apply in court for parental responsibility of he really wanted it.

newdaylight · 26/06/2017 05:41

I meant don't put dad's name on the birth certificate!

SparklyMagpie · 26/06/2017 06:18

You definitely need to get away from him
Keep safe

CashelGirl · 26/06/2017 06:36

This is abuse, pure and simple. Your best bet would be to go to Women's Aid, or your local Domestic Abuse service and ask for help and support. You are right to be scared. There is a very big danger that his behaviour will escalate, and he may very well try and cause injury to you or your baby. I am sorry sorry that he has put you in this position.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 26/06/2017 07:05

OK, I'll bite. Cashelgirl has got the closest to what the worst case scenario is here. OP you need to go to the police because there is a fair chance they could get a case against him that could stick. Even in the event it doesn't stick you have proof you did your best if, in the future he wants access to the child. If he wanted the child killed in utero that is what may happen once he has access ergo....unless the OP goes to the police he can possibly apply for and get unsupervised access to the DC in the future. OP if you want to protect yourself and this DC you need to take action i the strongest possible terms. The police could seize his computer and check his paypal/cc. Search his home etc and get proof of his intentions at least. Protect yourself and your baby or consider not keeping the pregnancy but react in the strongest possible terms in whatever course you take.

BlackStars · 26/06/2017 12:16

Sympathy to the OP

BUT He clearly doesn't want this baby to the extent he was planning miscarriage and you are in fear of poisoning for you and your yet unborrn child. Emotional/physical abuse involved too.

Do you really want this scum bag to have access to your child for the next 18 years and to be a part of your life?? Seriously you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of grief and hardship for you and the poor child if you continue with this pregnancy. I'd be cutting my losses.

Original poster

Winsister · 26/06/2017 13:20

I've known him 3 years, He's always known how I felt.
I live opposite him in my street which complicates things.
He has actually gone out and purchased 2 vitamins that cause miscarriage.
One found in small doses in most fruit and the other Pineapple.
I am staying as away as I can, I don't want ANY financial help from him at all.
I do not want him near my baby

OP posts:

Original poster

Winsister · 26/06/2017 13:22

Also against abortion personally, as I have 3 other children and suffered 2 miscarriages years ago

OP posts:

BlackStars · 26/06/2017 13:34

Well you're in for a life of heartache then really aren't you. Hope it doesn't affect your existing DC.

You can't stop him unless you take Legal steps to do so - if he is even interested in pursuing it (which at present he doesn't except to cause harm). Sometimes the obvious decision isn't the most appealing.

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