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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated with close friend

96 replies

User160949 · 26/05/2017 14:26

Title says it all, I'm heart broken beyond belief. And I can't tell which betrayal hurts me the most. Can't think straight don't know what to do

OP posts:
mickyblueyes · 26/05/2017 14:31

Sorry you are going through this, many of us here have been through the same. Does you DH know that you know?

loveyoutothemoon · 26/05/2017 14:42

I'm sorry. How did you find out?

bert3400 · 26/05/2017 14:46

I'm so sorry this has happened ..possibly the worst kind of deceit. Do you have children together ? I'm sorry I don't have any words of advice Flowers

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2017 14:49

One of the worst betrayals that can happen. How can so-called friends do this? Flowers

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2017 14:50

I think it's the sort of betrayal that has to end the relationship and the friendship at once, tbh. Awful on both counts. You must feel like you've been kicked in the stomach.

Patriciathestripper1 · 26/05/2017 14:54

For me it would be the end of both relationships to be honest. I'm not the forgiving type though.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/05/2017 14:55

You really don't need either of them in your life op.

Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2017 14:59

Put the kettle on.
Sugary tea. Sit down and breathe.
Slow deep breaths.
You are currently in shock and need some sugar.

Of course you don't know what to do.
You need some time.
The only thing you need to do right now is kick him out.
Get yourself some headspace with him out of your space.

If he's not there and he doesn't know you've found out then pack him some stuff. Enough for a few days and throw it outside.
Text him and tell him to collect it and to leave you alone.
Block him on everything for a while or you will torture yourself!

Then, when you've had a bit of time to let it sink in, get a friend or family member round.
You will need real life support.
Don't keep his dirty little secret.
You owe him and your 'friend' nothing.
Don't suffer alone.
I did that and it's not good.
My biggest regret was not getting support around me when I really needed it the most.

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 15:29

We live in a small village somebody saw him going to her house quite regularly. I checked his phone and there were endless texts. I could have seen it coming, the flirting, the laughter between them but I was too stupid. We have 3 children together who are also very close to her. I feel like I told her everything about me and DH and used it behind my back. They all know I know. Her husband knows too. Apparently it "just happened". They both destroyed me

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/05/2017 15:37

Just happened!
Grrrrr... what like 'a mistake'
Mistakenly falling dick first into her vagina!

That's a lot of deceit to deal with.
If you have 3 kids can he stay home with them and you take yourself off for the weekend to family or a friend?
Let him deal with the fallout of what he's done.
What a pair of cunts. I don't use that word lightly.

LedaP · 26/05/2017 15:44

I am so sorry Op. Thats just awful. Both of them are horrible people.

How can just happen? I have been married 15 years and managed to not accidentlu sleep with anyone else.

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 17:04

We drifted apart while the grew closer together. I didn't look after myself (and both of them did) we went on double dates / holidays together. Our children are friends too. They don't seem remorseful at all and if anything they seem happy to be able to "love" each other. I've only got myself to blame

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 26/05/2017 17:08

You are definitely NOT to blame OP. The two of them have deliberately deceived and betrayed you.

justgivemethepinot · 26/05/2017 17:11

I've only got myself to blame

No, no you haven't. You have two other tests to blame, you did nothing wrong. FlowersWine

justgivemethepinot · 26/05/2017 17:12

Twats not tests!

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2017 17:12

They had a reason to look after themselves - they were having an affair and showing their best side to each other.

Drifting apart is inevitable - his attention was elsewhere. How could you feel close to him when he was thinking about someone else?

What is her husband's reaction?

I think your children need to be told that she isn't a friend of the family.

LikeaSnowflake · 26/05/2017 17:16

No it's not you to blame.

If things weren't right for him his responsibility was to talk to you about it and if he wanted out he should have said so before cheating on you with someone else.

We all have life pressures, especially with young children and I am sure many people feel their relationship suffers during this time. That doesn't mean it's ok to go shag someone else and doing it with someone who you confide in about your marriage is just beyond shabby.

Both of them need to take a long hard look at themselves but they won't. They'll say 'it just happened' because they know they have not no moral ground to stand on at all. If they admit it was wrong they admit they are not very nice people and some people prefer to lie to themselves.

I'm sorry you have to go through such a betrayal. The blame and shame however is not yours 💐

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 17:19

Her husband suspected it for a long time. Everything just seemed like a big coincidence but we laughed it off. We haven't talked too much about it as everything it too raw for all of us involved. I don't think I can forgive him. I always told him I'd rather we separated before he even thought of cheating.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 26/05/2017 17:26

You're not to blame!!! Don't allow yourself to think like that. The fault here lies with two deceitful, faithless arseholes.

This is a betrayal of the worst kind, you must be in shock, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself and remember that you'll be through it.

NorthernLurker · 26/05/2017 17:26

So it's a sustained affair with repeated deception?

There's no way back from that. Get a solicitor op. I'm really sorry you're facing this but it's not your fault. I've been married twenty years this year and neither of us have 'just happened' to have an affair!

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 17:42

Yes, it went on for a few months at least if not year/s. Of course they're keeping some details to themselves. They're in love or so they say. He even told me he wished he'd met her before me so he wouldn't have hurt me. I can't get out of my own bedroom.

OP posts:
noego · 26/05/2017 17:55

Been there honey. You will get over it believe me and when you do life will be so much more authentic. Meanwhile I wish you the very best.

yetmorecrap · 26/05/2017 18:00

Of course she was looking after himself, same with him--they had someone to impress. !! Please do not beat yourself up, Ive done this too , just get the best deal you can and bear in mind she will now always be looking over her shoulder for the "next thing" and have to keep up that "looking after herself" . Your husbands comment was totally uncalled for and shows him to have rather a nasty callous side that you are well out of, even if it doesnt feel like it now.

ImperialBlether · 26/05/2017 18:01

He needs to get out. He's not thought of you or your children. He needs to get out and leave you and them to recover from this massive deception.

erinaceus · 26/05/2017 18:01

I've only got myself to blame.

This is not the case. You are not responsible for their behaviour.

If you can't get out of your own bedroom, can you go and get a cup of hot sweet tea and bring it back to the bedroom to drink it?

(((hugs)))