Husband cheated with close friend

[User160949]

Title says it all, I'm heart broken beyond belief. And I can't tell which betrayal hurts me the most. Can't think straight don't know what to do

OP, this is awful really awful a double betrayal. You will get through this.

My ex told me he would never cheat, because years before we met, his long time girlfriend ran off with his best mate. He sad the pain was unbearable. Fast forward, and twenty years after a marriage which I thought was happy, I discover that he is having an affair with a colleagues wife.

These two despicable people, who wouldn't know a moral compass if it fell out of their collective arses, deserve each other. At least whilst they're together, then other decent people aren't in danger of becoming their prey.

Don't engage with either of them. They are beneath contempt. Don't respond to her text. Don't commit to anything regarding legal stuff with him.

Rise above them. Get a great solicitor, wipe the floor with him.

You hold your lovely head high, you have done nothing wrong.
Let them wallow in the grubby bed they've made for themselves, it's all they deserve.

Tuesday will be a busy day OP. I'm so very sorry that you are in this position. Solicitor and a claim for child maintenance as first things, then check out tax credits/benefit entitlements etc. Legal advice will help you have an idea of what the road ahead will be like. Life isn't so rosy when the realities of their new life together come crashing down. He's no longer your friend & is unlikely to act in your best interests. Keep posting, there'll be lots of support here

I could have written this - exactly the same story. It is a double betrayal of the worst kind and my heart goes out to you. While the temptation is to dwell on what they've been doing behind your back, as pp said strike while the guilt is hot and get your ducks in a row. In my case the one of my dd's and one of hers were best friends which made it very difficult for the children. It was a terrible terrible time, but the one thing I'm most proud of is that I kept my dignity the whole way through it for the sake of the childen, even when I wanted to humiliate and embarrass her in front of our (v Large) group of mutual friends.

You and her husband can be a support to each other, as you're in the same situation and not many you know IRL will understand the pain of a double betrayal.

Stay strong. Remember to eat, drink and get fresh air.

Most of all remember that this isn't your fault.

@freebiefairy yes that's how we all became friends, our children are beat friends. His mum just called. She said that our child will always be her grandchildren. She's sorry about the whole situation but she also told me that she wants her son to be happy. According to her he hadn't been for a long time. I do work part time, but I'll need to take some time off to sort myself and everything else out.

Hah! If he hadn't been happy then he should have been respectful and spoken to you BEFORE he went and shagged someone else especially your friend! It's not your fault he did that!! Can't blame her for sticking up for him she's his Mum although obviously didn't bring him up to be loyal and honest did she !!!!

I don't think she ever truly liked me, but that's besides the point. Had a chat with my mum, she's really heart broken too. The children seem OK, a but confused, but they think daddy is having a lads' weekend. Husband called and tried to talk to the but didn't let him. He was with her, I could hear her in the background. My heart sank again. She got away with it. I always knew he was out of my league, but always took pride he was mine and nobody else's . How wrong was I

Your husbands mother has to believe his justifications otherwise she has to face the fact that she brought him up to be selfish and disloyal.
Why are you saying you are out of his league ? As part of a marriage you should have felt secure and if you didn't perhaps he wasn't supporting you for a while now. Either way you are not the one who has lloed to their partner and put their own 'happiness' before that of their children.

You think a "lying cheating betraying scumbag" is out of your league? You really need to work on your self esteem. I don't care if he looks like Brad Pitt at his peak, he's just not worth it.

And to betray you in this way is the absolute worst.

The fact is that you are so above him, and he and his horrible OW have found their true level - which is about as low as you can get.

Horribe time for you, but it will get better with time and you will find someone who appreicates you and loves you and supports you.

Sending you a hug.

He was supportive he was there through my worst anxiety and depression episodes. But I was controlling, I was insecure and I never made that a secret. I used to beg him to not go to the gym as I thought he would find someone else there. He improved with age like wine, I just became a fat cow. I know all of that is superficial and doesn't make him a better human being. But that's how I felt. I can see now that he preferred the exotic and athletic body of the OW over my fat and flab. Rationally I know that makes him a selfish pig, but that doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

You must stop being so negative about yourself. You are not to blame for this.

He chose to cheat. He could have done the decent thing and paused before cheating and told you that he was unhappy and that you both needed to work on your relationship, that would have been the right thing to do. By not doing that he then betrayed you with your friend. That decision has nothing to do with you being controlling, or her being a gym bunny. It is a true refection of who he is. You could be chilled, easy going, a catwalk model and he would have cheated anyway, because that's what cheats do, they cheat!

No more blaming yourself please, it's his fault, it was his choice, end of.

And his mum will support him, because it's easier than the unpalatable truth. It's not her fault for the way she raised him, it's his fault.

You don't need his mum on side, you don't need anyone's validation. It is obvious that he's in the wrong, so worrying about others opinions is a waste of energy.

Draw support from your own family and friends, lean on them.

If he hadn't been happy for a while he could have opened his mouth and discussed it, If he'd found it difficult supporting you through things, or with the fact you'd put on weight he could have discussed it... He didn't, he took the easy way out. I kind of wonder if you were controlling and worried about him cheating because you had reason to be deep down?

I was talking to a neighbour whose son had run off with a woman he'd had an affair with. He said, "to be fair he seems much happier" and I replied, "everyone is happier in the early days/honeymoon period, let's see if he still is in 5/10/15 years and everyday reality kicks in."

I agree, gather your friends and family, people who support you, around you and be nice to yourself.

Maybe I knew his true colours from the very start who knows... Things have gone OK so far. He asked me to pack his clothes and other belongings. He came and stayed with the kids for a bit, I just went to my mum's as I couldn't bear to see him. He left me a very long hand written letter explaining what happened and why. The tone was apologetic but that's about it. He mentioned his solicitor will be in touch with mine and hopes that eventually we can have a civil relationship . He didn't mention anything about finding a new place but he did request seeing the kids on a regular basis. All of this is so cold and final.

Keep the letter its your proof. Why didnt he pack his own stuff while he was with the kids....Make sure you get the keys back from him..tomorrow is all about phone calls, getting any benefits you can claim, appt with solicitor..His solicitor will be in touch with yours...hes already been to see one then? What a bastard.

I think you should try your hardest to concentrate on yourself and the children.

Pay no mind to his mum. He should have left at the point of not being happy, instead of cheating. Did he ever tell you he was unhappy in the marriage? Did he act unhappy?

You do need to build up your self esteem, because you shouldn't be insecure to the point that you beg him not to go to the gym. As you can see, if someone is going to cheat, it can be with a colleague or anyone outside of the gym.

Take this opportunity to make changes in you, that you want to make for yourself.

Whether they may be physical or behavioural.

This is very awkward with your children being friends as well. At some point (not sure of their ages), they will know their dad has left to be with her. Think about how to let them know in an age appropriate way.

I wouldn't leave it to your husband to tell them, or he'll spin it to make himself the victim.

What a poor example of a father he is.

His brother is a barrister so I assume he's already spoke to him. He left his keys so that's that. I guess he did act unhappy, he always tried to please me (or certainly looked that way). I came off my meds and he wasn't happy, that's the point where he started saying he supported me but he didn't agree with what I was doing. I wanted us to have friends in common so he would willingly spend that time with me) and our friends) instead of wanting to be with the lads.
I know it's going to be awkward for the children. I have a 8, 6, and a 4 year old. The 10 year old is really close to the OW, he always wants cuddles from her since was around 5. The other two are close but not to the same extent.

I should probably change inside and out I just don't have the energy nor the inclination to do that right now.

I so wonder if I can literally make her pay for what she did.

Yes, you DO know what you have to do...

Leave these shits who don't give a shit about you....

Sorry for you... But you CAN do it.

Reach out to those who will help you.

((hugs))

Have spoken to the solicitor, he thinks this is a very straightforward case as he has admitted to infidelity. I have to keep my head cold but the whole process is so heartless

I imagine the shine will wear off them very soon when they are no longer living their lovely village life in the bosom of their families, but living from a suitcase in a hotel, or lodging with parents at their age. He didn't have to cheat, if he was not happy then he should have addressed that.

Hugs for you OP, and who cares what they are saying behind your back, they are the ones that have acted like selfish twats, not you, you only trusted, stop blaming yourself for other people's wrong decisions.

As has been said, how can they trust each other, not exactly a good foundation for a relationship, pair of cheats.