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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated with close friend

96 replies

User160949 · 26/05/2017 14:26

Title says it all, I'm heart broken beyond belief. And I can't tell which betrayal hurts me the most. Can't think straight don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
User160949 · 27/05/2017 17:48

Thank you all, I know it sounds silly but I'm glad I'm not alone even if it's online. DC are fine so far, I've told them daddy will not come back and it will be a while until we see him again (I don't know if this is true but I'd rather not see him for a very long time). The OW messaged me asking me if I want to meet, what for? I met withe her husband and their kids. They seem a bit more lost but he's coping OK. He keeps telling me the OW is to blame. He really thinks she is a cold bitch who planned it all I can't believe someone could be so mean

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 27/05/2017 18:44

I think she's being a bit manipulative again tbh. She's probably sent that offer to meet so she can say to everyone 'look I tried'. Especially your DH.

Sorry this has happened to you Flowers

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2017 21:19

The chances are either they will stay together and be unhappy and suspicious or they will separate. Give them no space in your head. You have to think of you and the children; anyone who's not for you is against you now.

Meet up with as many friends as you can. Nurture those who are close to you. Look after your little ones - they will struggle but if you don't get too upset in front of them, and assure them they can see their dad whenever they like, all will be well.

Flowers
honeyroar · 27/05/2017 21:51

As if you'd want to meet her!! Thoughtless cow. Her husband's right, she is a cold bitch, but your husband gets half the blame too. You will get through this, it will take time, but one day you'll realise how much better your life is without this pair of cold, calculating liars in your life.

ohfourfoxache · 27/05/2017 21:53

Stupid bitch. Why the actual fuck would you want to meet her?

Stay dignified, you're doing brilliantly. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you really really are xx

winkywinkola · 27/05/2017 22:01

Ignore her. Don't give her any attention at all. She's got some nerve. To meet? For what? Lying cow.

I would only contact your h through your solicitor from now on. Be icily polite.

ColourfulOrangex · 27/05/2017 22:06

Sorry OP Flowers

Why would she think you want to meet up? Does she want to rub it in even more Confused

Cooroo · 27/05/2017 22:13

I went through something very similar 17 years ago. It was horrible, I felt stupid, like shit on someone's shoe. I cried and begged and acted like a fool.

But it passes. Until it does you really do have to take it a day at a time. Love your children. For me it worked best to let my DD keep in contact with her dad. Ironically she already loved her new step-brother and sister and now has a half-sister too. I'm glad she's had 2 parents although I had to bite my tongue a lot.

I'm so well rid of him and you will feel that too eventually. Meanwhile you are going through shit and I am so sorry.

honeyroar · 27/05/2017 22:13

Id text back, "Do I want to meet you? No, I have no intention of meeting you ever again. I expect so much more of a friend. You are nothing to me now." Then block her.

guffaux · 27/05/2017 22:21

dont text back with anything that could be used against you.. send a non-committal reply such as 'cant meet at the moment, I may contact you when possible'

then discuss with your solicitor and block if advised to.

be careful who you share anything with in case it gets back to them

wishing you strength and good support from good people around you

flamingnoravera · 27/05/2017 22:40

I'm another who has been through this. It's the worst kind of betrayal and leaves you doubting everything.my son was 4 when it happened and her son the same age. The two children were thrown together as siblings half the week and hers ended up in therapy.

In my case it's 20 years ago now but I still detest even the sound of her name. They went on to have 2 children who I have never met but who to my son are sisters. They live round the corner from me still,

The boys are grown up and now understand what their respective parents did and went through. Both boys find it all distasteful and understand the hurt felt by me and her husband.

Oddly today I took my respite foster child out to a play centre and bumped into her 23 yr old son (my son's stepbrother) with his own half brother on his dads side and he and I get on great. He hates my ex and we share that but have never spoken of the awfulness of the years when he and my ds were used as pawns aged 3 for the sordid mess that ensued.

It does get easier and you will feel better and you will grow beyond the desperation you feel now. But there may still be more hurt to come. They think their "love" trumps your pain and oddly so do other people. In my case I dropped anyone who told me that it was ok because they were in love and I did not believe anyone who said it wouldn't last. It has lasted, but I look at their lives and I look at mine and I know whose life I'd rather be living now. I'm stronger, wiser, more free and happier without them in my life.

It's a long journey to here but it gets easier and the roller coasters stop. A new happiness will emerge and at some point you will realise you feel nothing for them. Chin up and keep on keeping on. And if you want to really know how it feels and the depths I was in and my coping strategies or just to rant then PM me. I always have time to listen to anyone going through this awful situation.

flamingnoravera · 27/05/2017 22:41

Oh and do not meet her or talk to her. She will try to justify what she/they have done. Blank, ignore, ice maiden would be my advice.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/05/2017 22:44

How loathesome.
Why would you want to meet?
Usually when I hear of a husband's infidelity I think that he is the betrayer and the coward but here they both had a responsibility to you and to your family and they put themselves first. I know that you loved( love?) them but really they are as self-centred as each other.
Leave them to each other.... stay cool and dignified...

crazykitten20 · 27/05/2017 22:52

Unbelievably difficult for you. If you can ( and I know it's so hard) try to remain dignified, calm and graceful. Please believe me when I say this will help you in the years to come. Much much love 💕💕💕

louisejxxx · 27/05/2017 22:58

I'd just block her number if you haven't done so already. Nothing good will come if even engaging with her in conversation with her let alone meeting up - she probably is trying to get a rise out of you if what her husband says is true.

I'm so sorry this happened to you op.

louisejxxx · 27/05/2017 22:59

(Excuse my inability to form a sentence above Blush)

Original poster
User160949 · 27/05/2017 23:13

Thanks for all your support. I'll get a solicitor first thing Tuesday. I didn't reply to her I don't see the point. We haven't owned the house for that long the deposit was all mine and he's been paying the mortgage, so no idea where we stand in that regard. I know she's well off and has a posh family.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 28/05/2017 07:47

so no idea where we stand in that regard

A solicitor should be able to help you here.

Maybe before Tuesday have a think about what outcome you want? Does your husband have a set of keys to your house? When my DH moved out (not at all the same as no cheating involved) one thing that helped me to feel better was knowing that he did not have a set of keys to the property where I am living and we own jointly. It's a small thing but you might want to think about this too.

I agree with others not to engage with your friend for now.

Your friend's husband is likely feeling his own set of overwhelmed. He might want to put all of the blame on "your" side (you and your H) at the moment, sort of to protect himself mentally if you see what I mean. If you find it distressing to engage with him, then maybe do not do that either? The two of you might get caught up speculating and that might be distressing.

I agree with pp, try your best not to let the children - any of them - become pawns in this. Not that I think that you would do that, but the situation does sound complicated, and it would be sad if your children lost their close friends on the grounds of dickish behaviour between the parents if you see what I mean?

I hope that that does not come across as judegmental as I fear it might sound. Sending Flowers and Brew to you. It sounds as if you are doing what you need to do for now. Are you able to find a little bit of space for yourself this bank holiday weekend? Do you have any plans?

Fishface77 · 28/05/2017 07:48

Strike while the guilt is hot op.
Gt the house.
Tell him you will make things difficult otherwise.
As for her message send her 😂 That emoji with a LOL.
Pair of CUNTS deserve each other.

Original poster
User160949 · 28/05/2017 08:15

@erinaceus he believes we were both played. You're right about the speculation, we've found ourselves trying to figure out how / when it started. We know they both started looking after themselves at about the same time, but that's about it.

He has a set of keys, but I definitely don't want him back. He knew this was my biggest fear. I knew I was controlling and insecure at times. But he knew I would never be able to forgive him for this.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 28/05/2017 09:46

Well done for your clear thinking on this.
I would tend to avoid too much discourse with her husband.... he will want to share his burden/ anger and that might add to your's

noova61 · 28/05/2017 11:09

Keep any texts they both send as proof for your solicitor, dont engage in any texting with either of them... but personally I would be blocking her....get the keys back off him, you dont want him in and out of the house whenever he fancies it. Although painful for her husband it sounds like hes needing/using you as a crutch for himself and his children, whilst I feel incredibly sorry always round, you need to sort yourself and your children out emotionally. Definately get a solicitor asap, your ex certainly will.

Original poster
User160949 · 28/05/2017 15:26

I just had a long chat with my husband. He seemed way too friendly and seemed to agree to make thins easy. He says he wants a fresh start with the OW. I can't believe he's over us this soon. The OWs husband and I have been friends for a while, ironically I would have thought we were closer friends than the other too. We both witnessed the same things and feel just as betrayed.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 28/05/2017 15:55

Utter, utter cuntbadger Angry

I'm so sorry User. He is just such a nasty bastard, you are way too good for him Thanks

noova61 · 28/05/2017 17:05

Make sure you get a solicitor before he does...get everything in yours and your kids favour...get the keys off him and tell him to get his stuff out...he broke the marriage, he can take the consequenses. You need to get money etc sorted asap. If you are not working, apply for Income Support, your solicitor can help with maintainence etc.
Him being friendly is trying to get you onside...dont be fooled by it..its all a front. They are both nasty, vicious scum, and ths will bite them both in the ass.

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