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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated with close friend

96 replies

User160949 · 26/05/2017 14:26

Title says it all, I'm heart broken beyond belief. And I can't tell which betrayal hurts me the most. Can't think straight don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 18:06

But surely I should have seen the signs? She changed her look and she always aimed to please. But instead I pushed for all of us to be a bit closer, I thought I had found a sister

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/05/2017 18:15

You were trusting. They were sneaky.

They were in the wrong.

Please don't blame yourself for this.

mumofthemonsters808 · 26/05/2017 18:18

Awh User, it's not your fault, please don't tortue yourself by thinking like this.I feel so sad for you, the pain of your Husbands and friends betrayal must be excruciating, but you will get through this, you will see the day of them.

ListenToYourHeart · 26/05/2017 18:19

What awful people they both are.

OP I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but you are 100% not to blame.

It will be tough but it will get better Flowers

HildaOg · 26/05/2017 18:54

You were trusting because you're a good, trustworthy person and we all judge people by our own standards.

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 19:04

Just had a chat with her husband. We discussed about using the same solicitor but no idea if that would be beneficial in any way. I wish I had known he was unhappy. I mean yes I was / am insecure and controlling at times. But I also have clinical anxiety and depression, I was just expecting too much of him. He's moved out for now (so has she). It's so painful they're likely enjoying the bank holiday laughing at us for being such suckers

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/05/2017 19:07

I doubt you can use the same solicitor due to a conflict of interests .
How about his and hers voodoo dolls and have 1 each?

ohfourfoxache · 26/05/2017 20:01

None of this is your fault. Not a single bloody part. This is their doing- their fault, no one else's.

Please, there are enough of us on here saying the same thing, please believe us

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 20:13

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Rationally I understand this is not my fault. I just thought it was lovely to see my husband get along with one of my friends and even become friends (dumb) I know. I suspected something some months ago our sex life improved out of nowhere and then that spark just went away. Her husband says she planned it all. She says my husband made the first move. I don't think it matters at all. I can understand they were attracted to each other and that being married doesn't make us blind.

OP posts:
revolution909 · 26/05/2017 21:43

Didn't want to read and run, big hugs!

weasledee · 26/05/2017 22:00

So sorry to hear this, but it's so not your fault, not at all.... Flowers

angelcakerocks · 26/05/2017 22:06

They are assholes. Sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 22:18

My eldest just woke up asking about daddy. I don't want my children to ever see her again. But if they end up together I don't think I can do anything to prevent that.

OP posts:
ashley0710 · 26/05/2017 22:24

I'm so sorry this is happening to you
They deserve each other! Pair of tw*#ts
But i believe in karma, what goes around comes around and I hope you get to watch
Xx

freebreeze · 26/05/2017 22:44

I feel sad reading this. Please don't blame yourself. You have done nothing wrong. What does it matter is she looked good with her new look if she's ugly on the inside? Betrayal like this is cruel and selfish and you are neither of these things. Walk away hun cos you deserve more. Your head must be all over the place right now but whatever you do, don't let that thought stick that you are to blame. No way are you. Hugs. Do you have a friend or relative you can turn to tonight?

Original poster
User160949 · 26/05/2017 22:55

My mum and dad are with the kids. I'm by myself just having gin. I don't have that many friends so that makes it even more painful. My other close friend kind of told me "I told you so" nor in a nasty way or anything, but she did warn me we got too close too soon, I thought she was just jealous.

OP posts:
Properjob · 26/05/2017 23:07

Hi OP just sending a hug, my dad did the same thing for 7 years in our house, when he eventually left my Mum for yet another woman she had a terrible time for a while then reinvented herself and has had a wonderful new life (though she still hates his guts) . Top tip DON'T let him back whatever he says. That's what will do the damage. I see DF now and he usually cries. I don't feel sorry for him though.
Take pride in your children, you made them and care for rhem, you can do anything. Flowers

NotMyPenguin · 26/05/2017 23:17

A family member cheated on his wife and left her. She was miserable and begged him to stay. In the end, some years later, she found the happiest and healthiest relationship of her life. He on the other hand is with the other woman and still cheating on her.

I wish you strength to get through the pain of having been lied to and betrayed, and courage to move towards all the good things that are out there waiting for you. You didn't deserve it, and you deserve much better.

Original poster
User160949 · 27/05/2017 09:50

Thank you so much for your words. It's unbelievable how much the kind words of strangers have helped me feel strong. It's hard for me not to reply all the things that were said and done throughout these years. Her husband has suggested to have a day out with both our children, I think that just make things messier. They are like cousins I don't want them to lose their friends too. Of course I haven't heard a thing from my husband. I sent him a text telling him this was the end.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 27/05/2017 10:02

I don't see the issue letting them still hang out with their friends. Maybe you and the husband can be supportive to each other. But right now do what feels right for you and the dc x

DianaT1969 · 27/05/2017 10:03

Your natural inclination will be to invest yourself in their relationship; "what are they doing today....Will she be with my kids next week...He is attracted to her because...where will they live...."
Anytime you feel yourself straying into this negative territory say "f**k them. This is my life. I only get one life and it's all about me from now on. Me and my kids. I'll do whatever I want to do and focus on my future happiness. And I will be happy".
Keep saying it. The bigger picture is that you have lovely children, family and friends. Invest in yourself and them one day at a time.
Best of luck to you OP Flowers

weasledee · 27/05/2017 10:43

Great words Diana... X

sandgrown · 27/05/2017 11:01

Been in almost the exact situation some years ago. It hurts like hell but you will get over it in time. The OW lost out because all our mutual girlfriends dropped her like a hot potato. They are still together and I have seen them at weddings etc but she never leaves his side and woe betide he speaks to another woman! He cheated on me so I guess she thinks he may cheat on her!

It is not your fault. Get your own solicitor and sort things out for you and your children. Good luck x

EmeraldIsle100 · 27/05/2017 11:21

I am sorry you are going through this. Their behaviour is completely despicable. You are not alone going through this and you will get over it.

When the excitement of their 'relationship' dies down they will realise how many people they have hurt.

All the lies they told will come back to bite them and they will never be able to trust one another. They both know what brilliant liars they were and this will damge their trust in one another.

This is a very tough time for you. Other mums will have experienced this and will give you great advice. Take care of yourself Flowers

JK1773 · 27/05/2017 11:37

I agree with Emerald. They may think it's all rosy now but when reality kicks in they will both wake up and realise how badly they've hurt people, and they'll be stuck in a relationship where both of them knows the other is capable of cheating. There will be no trust, at all! I'm so sorry you're hurting