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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm currently sat in a cheap hotel room...

82 replies

lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 19:07

Because I've finally walked out on my abusive DH.

He refused to go anywhere and I couldn't bear to be around him any longer. My dc are still at the house with him which is absolutely killing me but it wasn't safe for me to be there.

Things have gone on a downward spiral since he lost his job in November and this is where things have landed.

I don't really want any advice. I just needed to get if off my chest.

OP posts:
f83mx · 09/04/2017 19:09

Wine - don't have any practical advice sorry but look after yourself, you've done the right thing and speak to a solicitor as soon as possible to see what you can do about being back with the kids? x

ImperialBlether · 09/04/2017 19:10

What can you do to get the children back with you, OP? Do you have family or friends you can go to?

rollonthesummer · 09/04/2017 19:13

Blimey-you've left the children there? Is that safe?

Dieu · 09/04/2017 19:15

Presumably yes, else she wouldn't have done it Hmm

Hope you're ok, OP. Lawyer's/Citizen's Advice/Women's Aid tomorrow?

Flowers
WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 09/04/2017 19:24

This is a brave step. You must be feeling so lonely and strange right now. A long hot bath might relax you a little. Then think about the phone calls you need to make to take the next steps. Flowers and good luck to you.

yetmorecrap · 09/04/2017 19:27

Take the opportunity to have a very good think and write down all your thoughts clearly

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 19:45

The dc are safe there, I'm sure of that. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty that I'm not though.

I will see them tomorrow when DH goes to work. I don't really know where to go after that tbh. No friends or family I can go to and DH refuses to be the one to leave.

Forgot to say am a regular mnetter but have name changed.

OP posts:
FeelTheNoise · 09/04/2017 20:12

You can seek an emergency occupation order. Your local domestic abuse support service can help you arrange this.
I'd suggest you give Womens aid a call for guidance, they should be able to help you make a plan Flowers

Catgirl83 · 09/04/2017 20:19

I have no useful advice OP but I just wanted to say well done. You sound very brave. Flowers

surferjet · 09/04/2017 20:22

(( hugs )) you poor poor thing.

Does dh know where you are?

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 20:32

I don't feel brave. I feel terrible.

He knows I'm staying in a hotel but he doesn't know which one.

I will ring women's aid tomorrow. Ideally I'd like to stay in our house, I could afford the mortgage on my own if it stayed as it is but I know that's impossible.

OP posts:
Enough101 · 09/04/2017 20:37

Hi Op,

I feel so bad for you. I cant remember the name of the organisation, something like NCDV, look it up and they will do the emergency order for you. I think its free of charge. Was ot physical or emotional abuse? Have you ever had to call the police on him before? Was this an incident or did you just decide you had enough. Either way, I know this is really hard for you and you must feel dreadful. Please look after yourself. Could you ring women's aid tonight and get some advice?

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 20:48

I didn't realise women's aid was a 24/7 thing so yes will get in touch with them.

Both mental and physical, although the latter not for a while. The police have been called 3 times previously, he has cautions for assault against me and would have been charged further the last time (about 3 years ago) but I retracted my statement (the cps wanted to prosecute anyway) and pleaded with the judge in court 🙄 more fool me.

I have been ill the last fortnight, with the flu. My ear is blocked so I am deaf in one ear, and today I broke my tooth eating a fucking minstrel! DD2 was up being sick last night, DH gets up to see to her and accuses me of being a lazy bitch and not helping. I genuinely couldn't hear what was going on but as soon as I did I got up to comfort her. He calls me a fat, disgusting cunt. Tells me I make him depressed and miserable. I walked out before it got worse.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 09/04/2017 20:51

So things have been bad since he lost his job in November but he will be out of the house tomorrow for work?

DrowningSeas · 09/04/2017 20:54

whisky

What's your point??

op

You've been incredibly brave, do you have your important documents?

FeelTheNoise · 09/04/2017 20:57

Yes, the NCDV can help you go to court, they're contactable tomorrow. It might be really useful to talk to Womens aid too because you can talk through your experiences. Also Womens aid can provide evidence for the court if you ever need them to. It also really helps for you to gather your thoughts, and structure them, as it helps you communicate them when you need to, which is really really hard when you're leaving an abuser. I'm an abuse survivor, I know how hard and scary it is, and I know how utterly hopeless it all seems right now. I really really do.
What I can tell you is that you've got a fight on your hands, and it's a fight you can win!
I find that the more prepared I am, the better I communicate and the more confident I feel. It helped to write a timeline of the relationship and the abuse events. It helped to do a spidogram of risks and fears: I did these in relation to contact problems with our child together, I did one with the risks if I didn't protect my baby, and I did one with the risks if I did protect my baby, and on each I underlined the serious dangers and the certainties, and that was useful.
Several months after leaving I started to gather screenshots etc and compiled files of evidence for all the abuse events and contact problems etc but I wasn't able to do that in the first few months x

FeelTheNoise · 09/04/2017 21:00

You already have lots of evidence from professionals, that's a huge head start! I left after being called a cunt too, after a horrific few months, been called that so many times, but that time was the last straw.
You sound exhausted :(
Flowers

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 21:02

He has another job. How else we were going to keep a roof over our dc's heads? Not one he wants to be doing, he hates going to work every day and is totally out of his comfort zone but he took the first thing that came along.

I work full time, band 3 nhs which doesn't pay a lot.

OP posts:
NotStoppedAllDay · 09/04/2017 21:03

Is someone looking after kids tomorrow? Assume they are off sch for easter?

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 21:05

I have nothing with me except some clean clothes and underwear for tomorrow, a toothbrush and my phone.

But DH will be at work tomorrow, I have the week off so I can get some stuff together.

I'm just worried that my dc are wondering where I am Sad I've never done this before.

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 09/04/2017 21:07

You can have him removed from the house if he is abusive I'm sure. Its good that there are police records to prove this.

You must be feeling awful sat in a hotel room on your own but you're made the first step to the rest of your life away from him.

Do you own your house in both names? If he refuses to leave (and you can't have him removed), could you find a cheap rental property for you and the kids?

Sending you big hugs

SandyY2K · 09/04/2017 21:10

I hope things work out well and I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship.

It's so sad that such abusers exist and I wonder what kind of upbringing they had to turn out like this.

Do you have an employee assistance programme at work? If so you could try calling them. They are great with support and signposting.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 21:13

He's mortgage is in both our names.

He says as I'm the one who doesn't want to be with him then I should be the one to leave the house. And that it's sexist to expect the man to leave Hmm

A 3 bed rental here is about £800 a month, even with help the agencies aren't going to rent to me earning 16k a year. I don't claim tax credits and I'm guessing I won't be able to unless I can prove we have separated?

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe7th · 09/04/2017 21:37

Bravo op, very well done it's extremely hard to leave and many women never manage it. Well done, remember that your reasons are valid Wine

If it helps then I'm 8 years down the road and have never once regretted it! I wish I'd not put up with it so long. It might be hard and unsettling for a while but you will come out the other side.

Just take tonight for you and whether you feel relieved, elated or guilty then remember that tonight you showed him you were not going to take his shit any more and that he could just fuck off. Well done, you are amazing xx

JK1773 · 09/04/2017 21:45

Go see a solicitor tomorrow. Legal aid is still available for cases like this. You need an occupation order to protect your home with the kids and to get him out as quickly as possible. Don't delay. Don't stay away from the property as you'll give him a better argument that you should be the one to move out, not him. I'm a lawyer that deals with these applications frequently, if he's an abuser he will be manipulative. Get the DC with you asap. Otherwise he will become resident parent and you'll have a right battle on your hands. Leaving the kids with him tonight will weaken your case and he'll exploit it, he'll already be plotting. Get some rest tonight in the meantime Flowers

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