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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm currently sat in a cheap hotel room...

82 replies

lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 19:07

Because I've finally walked out on my abusive DH.

He refused to go anywhere and I couldn't bear to be around him any longer. My dc are still at the house with him which is absolutely killing me but it wasn't safe for me to be there.

Things have gone on a downward spiral since he lost his job in November and this is where things have landed.

I don't really want any advice. I just needed to get if off my chest.

OP posts:
PossibiliTea · 09/04/2017 21:45

You are brave and there is help out there for you I'm so sorry you have had to go through this but you have done the right thing and the decision has been made that's the important thing. You have taken a huge step in the right direction-away from him.

Make sure you tell someone close to you friend/family where you are and get some rest. Take the advice from here on your next steps but just make sure you are safe.

isitjustme2017 · 09/04/2017 21:48

Call tax credits straight away. I'm sure you can still claim even if you are still living under the same roof but separately. They will be able to advise you.

Its the typical reaction of most men. Selfishly refusing to leave even when it means the kids are uprooted. Normally I would say dig your heels in and stay in the house but not if he's abusive.

You need to get advice from a number of places. Make some calls tomorrow to Tax credits and get an appointment for a free consultation with a solicitor.

Enough101 · 09/04/2017 21:51

Yes op they are 24/7. Give them a ring if you are able to talk. I imagine you are probably feeling numb. You will see your kids in the morning, try not to worry. Not sure how old they are, but you might get away with saying you had to go to deal with an emergency. Get some sleep. He's a wanker. I am in the same situation in the house with someone who wont leave because he is not the one who wants to break up. These men accept no responsibility for their part in the breakdown. You have done the hardest thing. To call you a disgusting cunt is just too much. He is affecting your mental health and I am sure he was not sympathetic at all to you when you were ill. Whether he likes his job or not is neither here nor there. I just saw something on facebook that said 'no matter how you feel, you are responsible for your own behaviour'. Remember that. You are not feeling great but you aren't going around treating anyone like shit. Today was your day to say enough is enough. Take care.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 09/04/2017 21:53

"as I'm the one who doesn't want to be with him then I should be the one to leave the house" - doesn't apply when one partner has regularly assaulted the other. "it's sexist" - blokes who beats his wife whining about sexism. Bastard.

Hopefully Women's Aid will be able to give you advice on the house, the legal situation and potentially renting if that's what it comes to.

All I can tell you is this - it's understandable that you don't feel brave right now. You're in the middle of it all, the uncertainty and fear, and you've spent years with an abusive man chipping away at your confidence.

But we, looking in from the outside, can see how brave you are being. And one day in the future, when you're living the happier life you began to build the moment you walked out that door (it won't be easy, it will take time, but you'll get there) - then you will be able to look back and recognise your own bravery too.

JaneEyre70 · 09/04/2017 21:55

If your kids are on holiday and you're off, take them to the hotel with you. Don't leave them with a violent man. And go straight to a solicitor.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 21:57

Thank you all.

I'm going to run myself a bath and lie in it for a very long time.

I was worried that me leaving the dc with him tonight would make me look bad, but I couldn't bear for them to witness any more awful shit which is what would have happened if I stayed there. There was no way he was going to go anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 22:00

The hotel only had a single room available hence why I came on my own. Yes I probably could have gone to a different one but with it being the Easter holidays and living in a holiday destination county everywhere is out of my budget or fully booked Sad

Plus as DD2 is ill with d&v I didn't really want to uproot her.

OP posts:
tessiebear4 · 09/04/2017 22:03

Will he make sure DD2 is ok?

WishIhadaGEG · 09/04/2017 22:10

Flowers OP.
Seriously, get back in the house tomorrow with your kids. And stay there. Get legal advice and change the locks if need be. Or take the kids to parents, friends etc and stay there a bit. Don't lose your kids to this bastard or your home (if that matters to you/kids).

tipsytrifle · 09/04/2017 22:30

I think you need Women's Aid advice pronto PLUS police advice. They should know that you have been forced out of your home for fear of your safety and that the dc are still there. They might well advise to let it all be until tomorrow but tomorrow needs a plan. Given the history, they might well help persuade H to leave. Not a permanent solution, no doubt but maybe an interim breathing space. Tell police everything they need to know and at least they might accompany you to get the dc. Not ideal, but gets you back with them. I don't know how the process would work but that's why it wouldn't hurt to talk with them.

Keep your strength and perspective for what tomorrow brings. If this is "it" for you now, then gird your loins and get some RL help to properly be free of this abuser. Chocolate

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 22:32

I have every intention of going there early tomorrow morning. I wouldn't have left if I thought it would be hard to get back home. He has an important meeting he can't miss at work so can't take the day off.

And he has text me an apology and asked me to come home and I'm being silly. I haven't replied.

DD2 will be fine with him. She just had a bit of an upset tummy during the night but was much better this afternoon before I left.

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 22:35

I may get in touch with MIL, who is fabulous and a great support to me. She will persuade DH to go there.

When it all kicked off and went to court last time DH tried to keep it all hush hush. He didn't expect him being bound over to appear in the local newspaper so MIL saw it and came to see me. She had it with his father and left him when DH was 2 so she knows how it feels.

OP posts:
thequeenoftarts · 09/04/2017 22:36

Go home in the morning, as soon as he has left the house, ring the police and WA and get him charged with threatening behaviour and this time my lovely, see it thru to the bitter end.For your sake, for your babies sakes.This needs to end now.

tipsytrifle · 09/04/2017 22:37

You seem to have the measure of him - for now at least. It might be that tomorrow is your golden window of opportunity to leave w/o him being there to obstruct and abuse you. But you need somewhere for you and dc to go with as much quick packing as can be done. What are your thoughts on that? I don't know how dangerous he's likely to get but you probably do.

tipsytrifle · 09/04/2017 22:39

And yes to what queen said.

PutUpWithRain · 09/04/2017 22:41

There will be a local charity that can help you, OP. I'm in Norfolk, so I got referred to Leeway (if that's anywhere near where you are). They helped with practical advice, dealing with CPS (not relevant, but might be of use to other MNers), emotional support, and crucially, housing & benefits advice. I came pretty close to taking me & the DC to one of their refuges a few times, tbh.

Thanks to them, I got on the list for council housing, sorted out what my DC were entitled to, and now we have our own home, and I live... comfortably. Not in great splendour, but I'm happy, safe, secure, and I cannot believe I lived as I did for so long. You've taken a huge step, and I know it must be gutwrenching, but there is support out there for you, from people who do understand.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 22:51

What do I do when he inevitably starts saying he wants to kill himself? Because that is what got me last time Sad

OP posts:
GruffaloPants · 09/04/2017 22:55

Tell him if he's going to kill himself you'll call police and an ambulance to him, to get him the help he needs. If he repeats the threats, call 999 and report them.

CashelGirl · 09/04/2017 22:55

Give him the number for the Samaritans. You know it is part of his manipulation. Keeping your cool and comp,eating the separation is going to be a long hard road, but you have taken that first step. Don't worry about any more than that for tonight. Get proper advice from WOmens Aid, and just take it one day at a time. Best of luck to you. Xx

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 22:56

Perfect, thank you.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/04/2017 22:58

I'm glad you have a supportive MIL, OP.

I would definitely contact her now, especially if he starts threatening to kill himself.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 22:59

He keeps texting me saying DD2 is upset Sad

I want more than anything to go to her and comfort her if she is but I don't want to be drawn back into his shit this evening, which is exactly what will happen if I go home. I feel truly stuck.

OP posts:
AndNowltsSeven · 09/04/2017 23:00

Op just so you know you CAN still make a new tax credits claim for three children, the earliest this could change is November 2018. ( this is for children born before April 6th 2017)

thequeenoftarts · 09/04/2017 23:05

Tell him to make a good job of it, My ex threatened that so I said fine, listen carefully sunshine

  1. make a good job of it and don't fuck it up like you do everything else.
  2. when you do fuck it up, you are not coming back here, you can go into a care home for all I care
  3. I will gladly tell your kids you didn't give two fucks about them and they weren't worth you living for

10 years later he is still alive. It was the ultimate threat that ended my marriage, I will NOT be held to ransom by any bastard trying to make me feel guilty

thequeenoftarts · 09/04/2017 23:07

There were many other issues but that was the final nail is the coffin that was marriage... Each time he threatens to kill himself call the local psych team, his gp and the police

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