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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm currently sat in a cheap hotel room...

82 replies

lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 19:07

Because I've finally walked out on my abusive DH.

He refused to go anywhere and I couldn't bear to be around him any longer. My dc are still at the house with him which is absolutely killing me but it wasn't safe for me to be there.

Things have gone on a downward spiral since he lost his job in November and this is where things have landed.

I don't really want any advice. I just needed to get if off my chest.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 09/04/2017 23:08

You aren't stuck as such; he's trying to put you over a barrel. Of course you want to go to dd2. At this time, realistically, is she likely to be asleep? I think you need contact with WA, police and MIL before returning. Easier said than done but in truth I think he's lying. It's impossible to say what is going on at home right now but you need to tread very warily and not put yourself in a place where you literally cannot phone for help or advice. Even if this meeting in the morning is very very important it's quite likely he will not go to it, given the circumstances. Remember at all times that this is a man who wants to control you. The sick games have started.

Of course tonight is going to be hard; your every nerve must be jangling to get back to dc. He knows that too. You left to preserve your safety. That hasn't changed. Do what you have to do but be very very cautious and careful. If you decide to go back I think you should have the police with you, if they will attend. Talk to them.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 23:24

Now the texts about how much of an awful mother I am, how can I do this to the dc and I'm such an evil bitch etc. He's like Jekyl and Hyde!

The dc will be asleep in the morning when he leaves for work. I'm going to leave it til as late as possible before he needs to leave to make it on time. There is no way he won't go to his meeting.

OP posts:
April229 · 09/04/2017 23:28

You've completely done the right thing, for you and your kids, it's just that this bit feels really strange. You'll see the kids tomorrow, now is the time for you to collect your thoughts.

Think about the calls you can make tonight because you'll be able to start thinking about concrete options for what you can do next. You should be so proud of taking this first step 💐

tipsytrifle · 09/04/2017 23:28

He's not Jekyll and Hyde. He's hammering at every nerve point he can think of to make you return now, tonight. He's trying to trigger your distress and self doubt. The words and tactics may vary but the intent is consistent with a man trying to re-assert his control of you now that he has lost it. Please please talk with RL agencies, tonight if you can. How old are dc?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2017 23:31

Not that your children don't miss you, but when he says that DD2 is upset, what he means is that he doesn't want to be the one to clean up her sick or have to take care of an ill child.

Call your MiL as soon as you can and tell her exactly what happened and ask for her help. Then first thing tomorrow, call a solicitor.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 09/04/2017 23:34

The dc are 12, 6 and 5. The eldest DD1 is staying at her friends tonight for a birthday sleepover (luckily) i have been in touch with her to check she is okay as she has her own mobile phone.

OP posts:
April229 · 09/04/2017 23:35

Oh and contact his mum asap. Her involvement might mean less treats etc. From him. Contact the local police station and tell them what happened, if he threatens not to help your poorly little one explain to the police you have had to leave for your own safety and now you have concerns for your child. I imagine you will get immediate support from them to intervene.

Whathappensnowthen · 10/04/2017 00:23

OP I really feel for you. Lots of good advice already offered. I am not in an abusive relationship, but my marriage has totally broken down. My husband has said the same as yours - if I want to separate then I have to leave. Joint mortgage too. I spoke to hmrc in January and they said if we separated all our day-to-day living (laundry/food/sleeping etc) then we would be viewed as separated. Well guess what - they lied. I submitted a claim for tax credits (the only way I can afford to leave) and they refused purely because we still live under the same roof. They weren't interested in any other facts. I am totally stuck. However, with all what's been happening to you, hopefully there are some other avenues open to you that will get the ball rolling. Incidentally, if you can just get a month or so under your belt in a new place, with a few bills in your name to prove it's just you there (as opposed to you and your husband) then you can apply for tax credits at that point. Wishing you the best of luck.

Hidingtonothing · 10/04/2017 00:31

So in the space of less than half an hour his texts went from emotional blackmail that DD needed you to calling you abusive names because you didn't run back to heel. If nothing else that should at least reassure you DD is most likely fast asleep and he was just trying to use your weak spot, your love for your children to get you back home.

I hope you can get some RL support sorted for tomorrow, I don't like the thought of you having to go back while he's there. We'll be here if you need us of course but you need back up in real life too Flowers

WishIhadaGEG · 10/04/2017 07:32

Good to hear that MIL might be of some support to you. She could be the key to getting him out. Good luck this morning OP.
I've been there and this is the hardest part. It gets better I promise.

And he won't kill himself. But if he did that's one problem solved. (No intention to offend anyone that's just how I said it to myself during my split).

amysmummy12345 · 10/04/2017 07:36

So if dh goes to work are the 6 and 5 year old on their own until you get there?

Greyhoundgal30 · 10/04/2017 08:21

Contact women's aid, my sister works for them they're brilliant x

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 10/04/2017 10:24

Totally echo queenoftarts you are no longer together & his suicide threats are not your problem, he knows they worked last time so he's assuming they will work again.

His life is his own responsibility, not yours.

How are you doing this morning?

(If you don't already have your own bank account in your name only, then open one today.)

April229 · 10/04/2017 14:26

How are you doing OP? X

isitjustme2017 · 10/04/2017 15:30

#whathappensnowthen - this is the opposite of what I was told a few years ago. My partner and I separated for a few months but still lived together. I rang tax credits simply to find out what I would get when he left and THEY told me I was entitled to claim straight away (because we were living separately). Unless this has now changed recently (it was 5 years ago). I was then paid tax credits while living there with no problems.

Adora10 · 10/04/2017 15:41

You are brave, you've been suffering mental and physical abuse but still found the strength to leave the bastard, do as you've been told; don't listen to him, it's just more manipulation on his part; I actually froze when I read the names he calls you; please stay firm; you can do this, and think how much healthier and happier your children will be not having to watch and listen to that in their lives.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 10/04/2017 19:18

Thinking of you today OP Flowers

FeelTheNoise · 10/04/2017 20:17

I hope you're ok OP Flowers

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 10/04/2017 22:02

Thanks all, I'm fine Smile

DH is staying at his mums after I went and saw her today. Apparently now he has no issue leaving the house and will do whatever I want him to Hmm he must think I'm an actual idiot!

OP posts:
thequeenoftarts · 10/04/2017 22:20

Well done to you lonelymumto3. See he can reign himself in when he needs to
Best of luck for the future xx

April229 · 10/04/2017 22:26

Well done OP x

SandyY2K · 10/04/2017 22:55

I always wonder how a man turns out to be an abuser like this, when his own mother suffered at the hands of an abuser too.

She left when he was very young, so I wouldn't have thought it can be blamed on what he saw.

You'd think that's the last thing he'd want to inflict on a woman, especially if he has any respect or love for his mother.

It's such a sad situation for all involved. I am glad he's left the house anyway.

Original poster
lonelymumto3 · 10/04/2017 22:58

According to him it's all my fault and I push him to it. He knows I don't stand for that bullshit. I'm not perfect, I've been through some pretty shitty stuff but I don't let it define me.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/04/2017 23:09

Good outcome! Yay MiL!

Now stay put, keep him out, and see a solicitor, pronto!

The1975 · 10/04/2017 23:19

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