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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did cheat on my husband and the guy I slept with wants to be a friend now.

62 replies

user1490951335 · 31/03/2017 10:41

This guy knew I was married so why now he is feeling guilty and doesn't want to be attached? I m broken-hearted cause I did cheat on my husband who loves me and I feel angry to bits cause it is not the great feeling to be abandoned after you trusted someone and had intimate contact risking losing lots in your life. Should I ignore him and keep the rest of my proud I have left or should accept what did happen and stay friend with him or turn my back and kick his out of my life for good.

OP posts:
Ginmakesitallok · 31/03/2017 10:44

You made your bed....Does your dh know?

boolifooli · 31/03/2017 10:47

it is not the great feeling to be abandoned after you trusted*

I'm guessing your DH will feel the same way. What do you think he wants. You owe him honestly if you can't manage anything else.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/03/2017 10:49

I think you need to accept that this man used you for sex, now he doesn't want to continue an affair. You can't be friends, that's absurd.

Consider how your husband would feel rather than dwelling on your own feelings. Forget this affair, cut contact and either concentrate on rebuilding your marriage or splitting from your husband.

QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2017 10:50

Aw he wants to be your friend does he???

Wake up sweetheart there is only one thing he wants

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/03/2017 10:51

So you cheated on your husband and now you're all pissy because the OM has taken what he wanted and buggered off....

Charming.

Cricrichan · 31/03/2017 10:57

The irony..

Adora10 · 31/03/2017 10:58

You have some nerve, coming on here complaining you've been dumped by OM when you are cheating behind your husband's back; talk about self obsessed indulgent crap.

category12 · 31/03/2017 10:59

He wants a 'friendship' so that he can keep you around should he fancy a shag again.

If you have any self respect, cut him out of your life and don't hang on to him as a 'friend'.

Apart from that, sort out what you want from your marriage - do you want to stay married or leave?

Original poster
user1490951335 · 31/03/2017 11:03

I went to the conclusion I did not love my hb long time ago, but I can`t tell him that. This would kill him. I had a wee sparkle to that guy. I think I m more brokenhearted by the fact he abandoned me after we had sex than the fact I cheated on my hb. Am I a bad person?

OP posts:
MrsELM21 · 31/03/2017 11:08

I don't think you can really complain about what's happened, you need to leave your DH if that's how you feel, yes it will be difficult but how you're behaving really isn't fair

SandyY2K · 31/03/2017 11:09

is not the great feeling to be abandoned after you trusted someone

What does trust mean to you? Because your husband probably trusts you and you've broken your vows, yet . you seem to want to blame the OM, because he knew the score from the get go, but he's now using your marital status as the reason to stop the sex and 'abandon' you.

It sounds like the OM doesn't want a physical relationship with you any more and you're not happy with that.

Some self reflection would be advisable.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 31/03/2017 11:11

You've made some bad decisions. You can't stay with your husband for fear of upsetting him and the fact that you don't love him doesn't excuse your affair.
Taking steps to leave your husband seems the only way forward.

You need to forget this OM. He has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship.

AuntieStella · 31/03/2017 11:12

"Am I a bad person?"

No, you are a normal person who did a bad thing. Self-flagellatiin will not help anything.

Oblomov17 · 31/03/2017 11:16

I can't believe I'm reading this. Can you not see how self-centred you are? How shallow. You've been played. Well and truely. You should have left your husband before all this. But then you know that.

Olympiathequeen · 31/03/2017 11:18

You're not a bad person, just someone who doesn't love the man they married and was looking for love elsewhere. The fact the other man wasn't looking for a life partner is just something you have to accept.

The thing you should be doing is looking for a way out of a loveless marriage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2017 11:19

Why can't you leave your husband? "This would kill him" isn't a good enough reason to stay with a man, you don't love. Unless you think in time, you will learn to love him again - but it doesn't sound like it.

No you are not a bad person to feel worse by being dumped by your bit on the side than for cheating on your husband. You are, however, not doing either your husband or yourself any favours by staying in a loveless and unhappy marriage.

Isn't it time to be accountable for your life and behaviour?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2017 11:20

And no, you can't continue a friendship with this man. Tell him to get on his bike.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2017 11:21

If you don't love your DH why are still with him?
He deserves to be loved by someone - properly.
You are no longer that person.
Cut him free - let him find a special someone.
He deserves to know what kind of wife he has at least.
Then he can make an informed decision on his own future.
Unless, you can't tell your DH you don't love him because he might be angry and aggressive????

DrMorbius · 31/03/2017 11:23

And you have come on MN for advise Biscuit?

You may want to post on Ashley DoDar.com

seasidesally · 31/03/2017 11:27

maybe the other man didnt think much of your moral compass

unfortunateevents · 31/03/2017 11:27

You can't tell your husband that you don't love him but you can risk him finding out that you slept with someone else?! Why exactly do you think you can't tell him? What do you think will happen if you continue as you are - you will carry on having sex with random men, probably pick up something nasty and eventually have to confess to him that he needs testing?

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 31/03/2017 11:35

What kind of man is your husband, op?

People love to give adulterers a virtual kicking on MN without considering that maybe the "guilty" party's married life is genuinely miserable or even abusive.

I very much doubt you can continue to be friends with this man however.

Boostbaby · 31/03/2017 11:45

Golly, some people are so righteous.

Welcome to life and marriage!

It is not a walk in the park and sometimes we (women) are tempted too. Of course, if you are married or in a relationship, the best thing is to walk away rather than get involved but I do understand that sometimes your feelings and emotions get carried away.

Don't tell your husband what happened with this other guy, what would be the point of upsetting him. The other man has made it clear to you that he just wants one off sex (or probably more if he can get it) and nothing else with you. I assume that is not the sort of relationship you want so I would tell him that you cant possibly be friends and that you cant ever see him again and stick to it!

Life in marriage can be tricky and only you know if you think your marriage is worth carrying on with.

I wish you lots of love and luck.

Ellisandra · 31/03/2017 11:48

Aw, a wee sparkle. Hun, that's so romantic!
You can't fight love - just you remember that and continue to shit on your husband (with the next guy that also just wants sex).

Aridane · 31/03/2017 11:50

OP - the OM is not interested in you - you were just a one night stand!