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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't shake off pathetic crush

89 replies

Fattiefattie · 14/03/2017 09:34

Urghhh that's it really. Previously posted about this and got some good advice to sort my sh*t out a few months ago. I thought it was supposed to have passed by now...

I'm married and trying hard with it. Been together 15 years and yet have a ridiculous inner dialogue going on about this school girl crush.

What can I do to shake it off? It's a colleague. Can't change jobs - have worked my whole career for this role and relocated to do it. Arggh.

It makes absolutely no sense. I have come in today to find out he (object of my pathetic-ness) will be traveling for rest of the month and my heart sank into the floor. I need a slap.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2017 10:39

Read this post, as if it was your husband had posted it about someone at work?

That may sober you up

Original poster

Fattiefattie · 14/03/2017 10:56

Fair point. Well made.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fattiefattie · 14/03/2017 13:05

That sounded facetious. Not intentional- it's good advice.

OP posts:

PhuckPaulDacre · 14/03/2017 13:41

Place marking for advice. What I would say is that I've searched for found lots of posts on the very subject over the years via the mumsnet archives. You are not alone. Would love those ladies to come back with their secret to moving on. The thing about how o would feel if my dh felt this was about someone else? Honestly, I'd feel relief
In the meantime : solidarity. Your circumstances re the job etc sound similar to mine. I've not seen my guy in about a month and am bereft. But yet can't actually even look at him when he is here. What the F is wrong with me?!

user1479305498 · 14/03/2017 13:46

I would like you to think the oher way around. My DH had all this going on mentally 11 years ago with a 21 year old (he was 42) . Wrote exceedingly longing songs for her , recorded them and then never got rid of itsubsequently found by me. I am now seriously contemplating separation/divorce it has hurt me that much. so all I can say is 1 Keep whatever it is in your headno diarising etc !! 2 Think about whether you value you partner/marriage enough that if anything came out--it could wreck it. 3 My DH says he would never have acted on it, was a "headspace thing" a partner may well not see it like that.

Imamouseduh · 14/03/2017 14:04

My advice is to not let yourself indulge the fantasy at all. When you daydream about him and get that endorphin rush you are are strengthening the habit of thinking about it. Your brain realises it makes you feel good, so it continues to do it. Break the habit by being firm with yourself. As soon as your mind wanders to him, force yourself to think of other things. And when you are around him, focus on his flaws. I bet he has morning breath and annoying habits - focus on those things!

Materdolores · 14/03/2017 14:14

I had a crush last year. Totally inappropriate of course.
I had a group photo with us both in it and kept looking at it (and sighing). I saw him very frequently in our hobby group. In fact I was asked if I had a thing for him. I denied it. And bam! I saw him with open eyes. He wasn't even good looking, just a nice young man with easy manners and a quick wit. Not someone to burn bridges with.

Original poster

Fattiefattie · 14/03/2017 14:52

It's all got a bit entrenched and I need to shock myself out of it. In my rational mind I know it's all just a pathetic construct and I just need to kick myself out of it. Really struggling though. He's less handsome than my husband- what's that all about??? Thanks for the advice/solidarity. Maybe if we join forces we can all kick the habit!

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PhuckPaulDacre · 14/03/2017 16:52

Fattie, think you are me! Am wondering about telling someone in real life about my infatuation to try and break the spell and have someone saying to my face that I am being immature and ridiculous. What do ppl think? Obvs not the guy in question (can't form words around him) and not my poor husband who deserves better than me right now...

Interesting point about not thinking about him, but it's like an addiction. Need to get a life hobby

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 14/03/2017 17:01

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but what shook me out of mine was when my ex cheated on me. Now when I see the former crush, I feel nothing. I wish I did! There's no harm in having a crush - it's something to get excited about and look forward to, but you know, deep down, something is lacking in your life/marriage for you to be looking elsewhere, even if you don't plan on acting on it. I can never make my mind up whether I like crushes or not - on the one hand they're fun, but sometimes it's a bit like having the flu and you just want it to be over.

Heathen4Hire · 14/03/2017 17:03

I have been with my DH for 16 years. It hasn't been easy. Both of us at fault. I have had two big crushes with colleagues and looking back, both were when I felt shit about myself because my relationship was very crap indeed. I was lonely. Recently my DH and I have become closer and more united. He knows I have fancied other people. I have always been honest with him about that, but I have never acted on these crushes. I think it is normal to be attracted to other people but remember not to cheat.

Emmageddon · 14/03/2017 17:12

I had a ridiculous work crush once, and I actually wrote it all down - stupid stuff like how I engineered a seating plan so he was next to me, and making sure we went on the same training days and so on. When I read it back, it was like reading the diary of a 15 year old, not a married 35 year old with children. I shredded it and burnt it.

I think, looking back, I was depressed, and unhappy, at the time, and rather than recognizing the fact, sought out distractions. The crush passed, thankfully, and he's just a very ordinary bloke with a wife and kids, not the almost rock star I saw him as, back then.

Original poster

Fattiefattie · 14/03/2017 17:48

God these messages are making me feel better. I feel so stupid about it all. Resisted the temptation this far to write about it except one thread on here before. I half think its reciprocated which makes it even worse! He was traveling a month ago and called me a few times on work stuff that would have waited but then was absolutely professional so I wondered if it was all in my wild imagination. He sent me a slightly inappropriate message when he was at a marketing event overseas - a wish you were here message. Nothing more than that. I didn't see it until next day by who point he had followed it up with an apology and I brushed it off. Gahhhh. So hard to keep doing the polite ignore thing when I desperately want to chat and catch up. Needs must.

Interesting to hear all the experiences above. I think my marriage lacks intimacy- not for lack of trying but it all just jars and we never really connect. Sex is infrequent and uninspiring. We lack any chemistry. We did have it once. How to get it back.

OP posts:

Emmageddon · 14/03/2017 18:01

@Fattiefattie do try and rekindle things with DH - a fabulous sex life with one's spouse doesn't half sort things out. as I discovered
If he's not an abusive arsehole and you actually like the bloke, then I recommend a weekend away, lots of wine and plenty of time for each other.

AddToBasket · 14/03/2017 18:09

Don't freak out.

You've had crushes before, they passed. This one will pass too.

Tell yourself that you will just deal with it day by day and before long he'll just seem like a normal person again.

pictish · 14/03/2017 18:13

If it's any consolation I can assure you that 15 years down the line with Mr Crush, sex would be infrequent and uninspiring just the same. Asides from an exceptional few, that's life and love in long term relationships.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 14/03/2017 18:18

Another thing that helped (albeit a bit stalkerish) was looking at his FB page. His favourite things were Man Utd, The Lads' Bible and Eminem. Nothing wrong with those things, of course, but it did make me realise we might struggle to make conversation (although conversation wasn't really what I had in mind)

CamomileTease · 14/03/2017 18:57

I can so relate. I'm 10 years married, young kids and finding myself with a huge inappropriate crush on a colleague. It absolutely makes my day when I bump into him or get an email from him and find myself feeling pathetically sad if I don't see him. I know I need to work on things with DH - it's all very "functional" at the moment in terms of dealing with kids, work, etc etc, with not much time or space for us. Would really like to not be thinking about this man all day at work but finding it hard to let go of it right now. Hoping this thread can help with rationalising and moving on.

JellyWitch · 14/03/2017 19:08

I've had a crush for 15 years - it's reciprocal and predates my marriage. For various timing reasons we have never crossed the line and never will now. But it will only ever be a crush and we have both parked it there in a little memory place and got on with our lives.

It's really normal to fancy people outside your relationship. So long as you don't act on it or get drawn into complicated emotional affair territory it shouldn't be an issue.

RockyBird · 14/03/2017 19:10

Indulge yourself in the biggest, horniest fantasy about your crush. When you're worked up and gagging for it, shag the brains out of your DH. Do the exciting things you imagine doing with crushboy.

Repeat until DH is doing it for you and not fantasy man.

This might not be PC but it does work IME.

Warning don't call DH crushboy's name, they don't like that

PhuckPaulDacre · 14/03/2017 19:19

Those of you who have experienced crushes - did you also fancy your DHs at the time?

guerillastyle · 14/03/2017 19:32

What absolutely snapped me out of mine was going to a party where crush was there with his lovely, funny, charming wife. They were an obviously happy couple. So if your crush is attached just remember his OH.

Original poster

Fattiefattie · 14/03/2017 19:42

I'm not alone. A few suggestions here... just want to be done with feeling like this. It's weird- I hate the idea of not seeing crushboy (as so aptly put above) but when he's not around I sort of knock some sense into myself. A prolonged period would probably sort it but he keeps coming back all charismatic.
Suppose I should focus on DH and trying to ahem spice it all up a bit.

OP posts:

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 14/03/2017 19:54

paul I think I fancied my ex physically (he was the best looking guy I'd ever been with) but I no longer LIKED him, if that makes sense. I now realise he was EA, both to me and DS. I think I fell for Crushboy because he was so sweet and kind to my son. Also his Pretty Green Eyes.... (sigh). Uh oh, hope this thread isn't going to rekindle my lust!

MooPointCowsOpinion · 14/03/2017 20:14

I've been there! I see my old crush infrequently now since we both moved jobs and I'm sure it was just that he was a competent, hard working man who was excelling in our field. Not at all handsome. Much older too. He put effort in to encourage and guide me and was interesting.

My DH is a wonderful man, but I've heard all his stories. Most of them are also my stories. Sometimes life can be a bit dull when there's not really anything new for us to discover, and he's not exactly swooning over my boring work stories either.

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