Can't shake off pathetic crush

[Fattiefattie]

Urghhh that's it really. Previously posted about this and got some good advice to sort my sh*t out a few months ago. I thought it was supposed to have passed by now...

I'm married and trying hard with it. Been together 15 years and yet have a ridiculous inner dialogue going on about this school girl crush.

What can I do to shake it off? It's a colleague. Can't change jobs - have worked my whole career for this role and relocated to do it. Arggh.

It makes absolutely no sense. I have come in today to find out he (object of my pathetic-ness) will be traveling for rest of the month and my heart sank into the floor. I need a slap.

(Said to myself)
(Quite worried)
Must proofread...

Can I ask when you know it's just a crush not an EA? I recently left a job and my work crush (both apparently happily married) and I had a definite moment as we said our goodbyes. No lines were crossed physically but there was a definite acknowledgement of the attraction on both sides and what might have been had we met when our situations were simpler. I am now feeling terribly guilty that was I thought was just a harmless crush might have been an emotional affair. I don't know if it counts but I met DH online and he's a good man but I never felt that crazy stomach-churning lus in the beginning - our love was more of a sensible slow-burner so this feeling has knocked me for 6.

I guess for it to be an EA it has to be mutual and openly accepted between the two of you that it is happening. Crushes are usually private and one sided, even if the object of your crush has a good inkling about it.

Still churned up. Ridiculous! Been lurking on my own thread and felt somewhat better to not be alone... hit with another pathetic longing today. Maybe it's bloody hormonal or something. Both wishing to be noticed by him and wanting to disappear. Made worse I think by ending up in a conversation and then feeling embarrassed by it and shy. Shoot me. It all makes me nervous. Slap needed.

It's so hard when you see them all the time at work so don't be so hard on yourself.

You are not the only one - I am constantly thinking about someone that I will probably never be with. Not sure what the answer is but trying to stay busy and hoping that it gets easier

I'm very worried that people will notice so almost going to the other extreme of ignoring but then pathetically grateful when he seeks me out. Argghhh. He has also messaged me couple of times- just jokey work stuff but but but.

Hi Fattie, Me too. Post menopausal granny, new male line manager, same age as my children FFS,feel like a swooning teenager round him. No logic, keeping it to myself (and MN) this too will pass!

I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster - happy one minute and then miserable the next. I've made my situation very complicated but I honestly don't think anyone at work knows and trying very hard to keep it that way.

I think a crush (that combination of desire, longing, admiration and obsession) is one of those things that steps in to fill a void. At a guess (just a guess?) has there been a recent change in your life OP? e.g. children leaving home, a house move, friend moved away, family member unwell? Alternatively, has something changed in your marriage, or have you noticed something that's happened over time?
My crush was stupid and inexplicable- aimed at an ex girlfriend's sister, (a long time ago!!) The unattainable aspect is almost a compulsory component isn't it? But the 'certain indescribable something' keeps the compulsion wrapped up in a mystery .
You could try a thinking exercise....?
So maybe break it down for yourself. You admire this guy? Try and spell out what it is about him that's admirable. (Eg confident, stylish, competent, smart?)
Then go through what makes him desirable (it could be some of the previous qualities plus - attractive, tall, warm, popular). These will all be very ordinary thoughts that others might see and agree with!
Then - what makes you feel a sense of longing? You can admire without desire, but not when it's a crush! So when do your thoughts turn to him, (in the morning, in any quiet moments, on way to work?)
And finally - what do you honestly want to happen, in fantasy (you can be as imaginative as you like) and then see that it's really fantasy And then realistically - next time you see him - what do you actually hope to happen (a text, a call, lunch together)? And then maybe see that what you actually hope for is so far removed from the fantasy you are feeding.

It's just a thinking exercise, to unravel or demystify your feelings a little. Sometimes the mystery is part of the appeal.

We aren't punished for our thoughts OP - only for what we do. But intrusive thoughts or compulsions can interfere in our lives, and affect relationships.

I think it's quite nice that you have such passionate feelings - your not quite spent up yet are you? Lol! You can use that discovery to create things in your own life and focus your passions for what can really happen - rather than the best you can realistically hope to happen next time in work with your crush.

I've no idea if that is any help OP - just an attempt at something practical you can do about addressing the way you think about the way you feel.

That's incredibly generous of you to write out such a well thought out post. I will think it through. It's weird I am very conscious of him when he's around but very keenly when he is away traveling or even when he leaves for the day. I don't know that there is anything missing - if anything life is so busy I struggle to take breath. I think it might be a stress relief of sorts. Escapism. My job is really pressured and work life balance is out of kilter. At home I am a harassed Mum and a not very good wife. At work I am respected and feel like I perform. I don't know I'm babbling.
Sexual desire had sort of gone and I felt dried up and old but it has surprised me that I still can feel all that longing. Pathetic as it is I desperately want to be kissed by him.

Oh wow, very useful post. Have just found out my crush reciprocates my feelings. I now feel like shit. Had a Damascene moment where I thought WTF am I doing? We had some drunken inappropriate texting and it was like a bucket of cold water had been thrown over me when I read them the next day. Do I really want to destroy my decent, kind, loving husband for this? I don't recommend this method of going cold turkey, because I'm currently shitting myself (and I deserve it) that somehow DH will find out, but it's killed my feelings stone dead.

A hefty back story to getting to this place, but although there was provocation (DH previously had a flirtation with someone online) he doesn't deserve this.

Ex crush won't confirm whether or not he's deleted the texts, keeps skirting the question. Fuck. This is awful.

PP2 hope you are ok. Can't you ask crush to delete and say that you both crossed a line you shouldn't have and apologise and say that you realise you have been a bit foolish and want to get back to a professional footing? He's not trying to blackmail you is he???

PP - I hope he does the right thing and deletes them like you asked him to - it makes these situations so much harder especially when you are seeing them everyday.

My situation is slightly different in that we are both single and have become very close over a period in time but I can't help feeling that I want more than he does / am constantly getting confusing signals

We aren't punished for our thoughts OP - only for what we do. But intrusive thoughts or compulsions can interfere in our lives, and affect relationships.

Thats extremely perceptive Dadaist. Im contemplating separating with H , simply because he didnt keep what I believe and am told was a one sided crush "in his head" . He then wrote obsessive poems and songs for the person and recorded them, in OUR house whilst i was at work. Not sexual, more "love/infatuation" stuff. Unfortunately he then hid them , forgot to get rid of them and I found them 11 years later. He had every opportunity for an affair even if it didnt happen and as he said "it was just in his head" as they went away a lot for weeks at a time together with work. As you also say it was a difficult point--his mum was dying, our business had issues. This was a 20 year old, he was 41. He then told me for years that they were just friends, he didnt fancy her, (but they did text a lot) long after they worked together and she moved abroad. As you say, if he had kept the thoughts in his head I would have been none the wiser, as it is I now see it as incredibly disrespectful to me and dont want to know such stuff as "there is only you and me when I escape from my room" or "hand in hand into the future if you will be there for me " etc. Even after all this time, knowing such stuff has totally killed my trust and also a lot of love to be honest.

I'm sorry that happened to you Esoteric. I don't want to put anyone else through that.
I'm starting to wonder if my current obsessive thinking is actually part of a more general mental health blip. My bulimia is back in force and I can't stay away from booze, codeine or cigarettes or work adrenaline. In honesty I can no longer work out which bits are cause or effect. I feel a big empty hole in myself or my self. Bit broken. It really hurts.

Ha, Esoteric back here with my name change!! Fattiefattie, I think you may have developed heightened obsessive behaviour, I went through something similar at one point, was a nightmare, I didn't develop a crush because of circumstances but I can see it's easily done when a lot of overwhelming things come together at once. I totally think this was what happened with my husband, so I do understand to some extent, what got me was the gaslighting and hiding it for a long time meaning he still carried on with trips for work all over with this person. If he had told me at the time and cut contact, I could have lived with that

Yep the hiding it is really shit. Maybe I should just spill it all to DH - take the secrecy factor out of it.

FF - if you do tell him you have to be very prepared to 'fix' things after telling him. I told my DP about my crush recently. He could tell something was up anyway. I thought it'd be like a bucket of cold water over me. It was. But it was for him too. He really struggled since knowing and I can tell it's hit his confidence hugely. And understandably. Its forced me to really throw a ton of effort into our relationship. It's tough but the right thing. So it can help...but I think you have to be mentally ready to deal with the fall out of being out in the open. Hope you find a way through this

No advice but just checking in to sympathise! I have the most debilitating crush on a work colleague. It's probably symptomatic of a bit of a mid life crisis and marriage not being great. Nothing is likely to happen - he is fairly senior and I doubt I even register with him but thoughts of him occupy too much of my time. I wouldn't want anything to happen either - we are both married. Sigh...

Someone said to me recently that addiction is seeking relationship (connection). We believe our substance /behaviour won't let us down, that we have control of it. Even, it is our friend, a haven.

It made sense to me at the time lol. It sounds like you have quite a few addictive issues, have you looked at 12 step? Amazing!

I've had a few issues with 'crushes' (such an inadequate word, they're torture!) and every time I made a kind of faulty connection where all my core loneliness got focused on one person. At the time I knew it was absurd but I couldn't halt the tsunami of longing and desire. Sometimes my crush /obsession was ignited by someone behaving emotionally seductively towards me (predatory?).

12 step addresses that core loneliness /emptiness thing btw.

How's everyone gone today? I rationalised it away over the weekend and then BAM a couple of meetings and some smiles from him and I'm totally beside myself with it all again.

Hope you are ok FF - I'm the same as you - spent all weekend trying to keep busy and then ended up going for lunch with him today - I 'm my own worse enemy!

So my colleague is now on holiday for a week - maybe that is the break that I need to put some perspective on the situation....

I'm one of the people coming back to say how I got over it. Firstly, I did tell him how I felt as I decided it was too serious to ignore any longer. I didn't get either the yes or the no I was looking for from him, which made me very sad. I didn't see him any longer and he was still on my mind, though not in as much focus. Four years later he got married and I got over it almost instantly. The heart is a mystery.

Mine almost certainly knows but is too nice to draw attention to it or be awful about it. Wish the crush feelings could fuck off so we could be friends, but for now I'm a stone cold bitch....
Hope you're doing better, OP x