Can't shake off pathetic crush

[Fattiefattie]

Urghhh that's it really. Previously posted about this and got some good advice to sort my sh*t out a few months ago. I thought it was supposed to have passed by now...

I'm married and trying hard with it. Been together 15 years and yet have a ridiculous inner dialogue going on about this school girl crush.

What can I do to shake it off? It's a colleague. Can't change jobs - have worked my whole career for this role and relocated to do it. Arggh.

It makes absolutely no sense. I have come in today to find out he (object of my pathetic-ness) will be traveling for rest of the month and my heart sank into the floor. I need a slap.

Nothing unusual or shameful -we spend much of our lives at work and it's s big source of social interaction, emotions, etc

men in suits with a limited amount of power can be kind of hot

I would advise erring on the side of of caution to manage this though. What are your long term goals in terms of life, finances, the woman YOU want to be? put your emotions into that.

I recall several senior males I've worked with where there definitely was a physical frisson of sorts ( I'm normally cheerfully single so no guilt on my part )

like your crush I think they consciously subtly encouraged it ( throwing out feelers, occasionally crossing a contact line in very "deniable" way without actually asking me out, etc, blatant eye contact when they didn't need to)

So of course little me is then meant to think "golly gosh" and bingo! A crush on them is born

But realistically , it's actually is well known "pick up technique" for men

( pay women a bit of attention, as if they're normally the most conservative of chaps but they're SO smitten they can't help it - then back off and let the woman's mind go riot and get her to chase after them or pay them lots of attention)

They enjoy goading women for the attention boost and know exactly what they're doing trying to set up s little "attention harem"

I try and avoid workplace gossip and of course nothing ever happened , but found out in all the cases, the men in question did this with LOTS of women.

But because they didn't want others to see them as sleazy, it was all "friendly appropriate chat" and insinuation

and selectively representing themselves ( eg when asked how their weekend was, forgetting to mention "me AND THE GIRLFRIEND did this at the weekend")

It kind of throws a wet blanket on things to think they basically were just hawking around for cheap attention

Coffee latte that's a really helpful post because it goes to my fears around it. That I'm just being 'encouraged' as a bit of an ego boost or something. That I will find out he's the office shagger or something- although if that is the case he is hiding it pretty well as I only ever hear anybody reflecting on what a decent bloke he is. Regardless I am going to frame it in my head exactly as you've put it and hope that takes the shine off him/it and halt all the ridiculous butterflies etc

OP, I started an 'inappropriate crush' thread a week or so ago and was deeply heartened by the stories that came out of the woodwork from other posters

I think it's normal, and whilst I do agree to an extent with coffeelatte's post, my advice would be try not to overthink it too much. There's no point in analysing motives etc, certainly if you're not going to act on your feelings. Maybe he's 'goading', maybe he's just enjoying the flirt, maybe he genuinely likes you and is responding to you. Whatever, it doesn't matter. It's just a crush.

The way I'm managing mine is to just try and accept it's happening, and enjoy it, but laugh at myself a bit as well. I mentally roll my eyes at myself several times a day - it doesn't mean I stop being intensely aware of wherever he is in the room (!!) but it does mean that I don't take myself or my feelings too seriously. The shine will come off him, eventually, it always does.

(Having said all that, I saw him yesterday and he was flirtier than he's ever been and I couldn't get to sleep that night for thinking about him .)

I can relate - this happened to me a few years ago. Thing that got me over it - when he was no longer single. He was available. Once he was no longer available (and he ended up marrying the lady in question), that was it.

Once the fantasy became unrealistic, it went away. I don't know if it's always that easy though.

I still see Crushboy as we share a hobby but there's no crush anymore.

Wish it were that easy for me Fairweather - mine is not available, and neither am I... it is mighty inconvenient . The whole experience is making me realise what an irrational person I am, and that my husband deserves better
Standingroom, I followed your post and it made me feel better. Like your advice about laughing at the whole thing. Helps put it into perspective.

I had a huge crush on one of the workmen who did some work on our house last year. He really stood out as both very handsome (a dead ringer for Jeremy London in his heyday) and just as a really decent, uncorrupt guy. Reliable, polite, careful, genuine and he also kept under charging us so that we had to practically force him to take more money for the work he did. The renovations on our house were stressful and he was a bit of a bright spot for me.

During the renovations my husband and myself lived seperately and the stress got to us a bit and I think I escaped a bit into fantasies of this workman. Even though he showed no interest in me that way and he was 30 to my almost 40 I was dreaming up silly romantic senarios where we would be together it was crazy really.

It all came crashing down when he came in to do a bit of work for us after the new year and he excitedly told me about how his girlfriend had given birth, showing me pictures of his son. I never even knew his girlfriend was expecting. It made me see that I hardly knew this man and that he had a whole other life I knew nothing of at all. I had built the whole thing up in my head out of nothing. Seeing his baby son and his happiness made me feel a bit creepy that I was getting my jollies fantasising about a new mothers partner and it made me feel a bit old and sad.

I still think he is a lovely man and very handsome but I don't give him any headroom anymore and try to focus on my own life and in strengthing my relationship with my partner.

I do agree with the pp who talks about the endorphins released during these fantasies its a heady, addictive feeling which can be a great escape when we feel stressed or bored but in the long run like any addictive behavious it isn't healthy.

Well despite all my protestations earlier in the thread I am actually feeling a bit low about it all today. Am starting to feel crap about myself (too old, too ugly, too stupid) because a man half my age isn't attracted to me. It's utterly ridiculous and I really am so irritated with myself for getting so tied up in this. It is like the worst bits of teenagerhood all over again! Hoping it's all just totm/tiredness and will go away in a couple of days. I will be seeing him a lot over the next 48 hours though. Ugh. Fed up and feeling pathetic.

Hope you're doing better than me op!

It's just a crush. It will pass eventually, they always do. And even if it doesn't, and turns into an obsessive sort of limerance, so long as you don't act on it or do anything to encourage the wrong sort of attention from him, so long sit stays in your head where it belongs and you can rationalise it for what it is, does it even matter?

standing how are you? These workplace crushes can be bloody horrible. I'm really prone to them, I feel crap about myself when I'm stuck in one, like no man would ever look at me just because the crush man isn't declaring his undying love for me... despite having a husband who can't keep his hands to himself and would do anything for me. It's very irrational. I'd feel awful if a crush ever went further too. We can't win!

Lovely to find this thread this evening. I have had a massive crush on a work colleague for over 2 years. I would say it spilled over to an emotional affair. I can't get her out of my brain, it's like my brain is on repeat.
I am married with 3 gorgeous children and a husband who knows about my crush.
My crush has left her husband as she had an affair with another woman! She is also dating another man. I have walked away from the situation (as has she now) but I think we are both extremely hurt.
Just looking for some sane words from you wise ladies. I miss her and want her back in my life. But I know it would be like
Playing with Fire!

Fidelma - you mentioned it lasting two years. Did it only "end" because you both walked away? Did you tell your dh or did he find out?
I have no word of wisdom, but it is reassuring (for me) to see how common this is. Maybe we should start a support group!
FrenchLavender, I found your words very helpful. Am looking forward to moving on from all this...
Meanwhile, the object of my desire has gone off long term sick, which is probably the cold turkey treatment I so greatly needed

I do wonder if you really want to sort the crush out - some of your posts pondering if it it requited suggest that you actually want the crush to turn into something else. It is irrelevant if you are "too old/ugly" for the guy, or if he is just playing a game, if you want to keep your current relationship healthy.

I think these posts can end up enabling an EA/affair rather than framing the situation in a way that will prevent the sort of relationship crises that have a very different tone in other threads. Maybe have a look at some of those other threas, dealing with fallout from EAs/"pathetic crushes"/actual affairs, see how the other half is viewed on them, or see the anger and hurt they cause.

threas = "threads"

user - I think you've missed the point a bit. My post where I said I was 'too old/too ugly' is entirely relevant because it is a reflection of how I have ended up feeling about myself in a broader sense. I've realised that this crush is a symptom of my concerns about getting older, no longer being attractive to men etc. There are also very specific reasons why I've ended up with this silly crush that are way too outing, but actually have nothing to do with the young man in question. They are all about me and how I'm dealing with life and love and my past and ageing at the moment. I know this, I recognise this. He is a symbol, nothing more.

I think it's unfair to suggest that people are secretly wanting them to turn into something more just because they need an outlet to vent. These threads have actually helped me rationalise and understand my unexpected emotions a lot more; they've not given me covert permission to stray. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I don't think you want to turn it into something more just because [you] want an outlet to vent, I just think this is suggested by your focus on yourself (not, say, DP), and your eagerness to grab onto enabling posts (well meant, I know) rather than, say, the one that told you to view it as if it was a post from your partner, or the one from the person who found her partner's romantic songs. You did, after all, open with the request to help you snap out of it.

I didn't suggest that people are giving you covert permission to stray, either - on the contrary, they are empathising and being kind. However, these types of posts can be enabling. They are the ones you have latched onto. If focussing on them has helped you deal with the crush, that is great.

The irrelevance of whether the crush finds you attractive or not is based on your conviction that you do not want to stray. ie, if he fancies you, nothing will happen; if he doesn't, nothing will happen. Not straying because there is no option available is a different matter - then, of course, his attraction to you is relevant. Again, this was expressed as a means to frame the crush so that you can snap out of it. You just seem reluctant to do this.

I'm not the OP.

ah yes , thanks!

Sorry OP.

Well here's a cautionary tale for you. I developed a crush on a colleague last year. I was fresh back to work after several years at home looking after my 4 small children. I had already planned on leaving my husband for various reasons and returning to work would give me the means to afford to do so. I had extremely low self esteem after gaining a lot of weight after having the children, so never in a million years imagined anyone would find me attractive. I thought my 'crush' was separated, or virtually so, given the way he talked about his wife (but boy was I wrong). Anyway, we got together a few times, no great romance or anything, but i ended up developing feelings for him. I tried to finish things, but couldn't. Now he has ended it and i am bereft. I totally deserve to feel shit but sitting opposite him at work every day is totally soul-destroying. His wife is none the wiser, he acts as if nothing ever happened and i feel like the bottom has just fallen out of my world. Serves me right, but I'm finding things very difficult right now. Unless you're both single, seriously, leave well alone.

I told DH as I couldn't hide it. He was OK about it. His understanding has actually strengthened our relationship. It feels like a crazy situation. My crush was a funny
Mix of being brilliant for me and terrible at the same time but I guess that made it exciting!
We both kind of walked away. She pushed me away through her actions. I said enough then she said really enough and she shut the door.
Does anyone think we could be friends again?
I miss our friendship 😢

A colleague of mine developed a very transparent crush on her new and much younger subordinate (think 45 to 25) that was obvious to everyone else in the office. Her marriage was pretty awful - her husband was a cocklodger - and she glowed when this young man asked her advice or engaged in conversation with her. When he left to return to his own country she engineered a weekend there with a few other colleagues, inviting him to meet up with them. In the end, he only came along to meet them for a coffee on the Saturday afternoon, and she was devastated. That said, she got over her crush pretty quickly after that.

Just keep reminding yourself he's a signifier. Maybe if it wasn't him it would be someone else.

Tricky, as I do think that subconsciously these things really get in the way of intimacy with your partner. It may just be muscle memory, particularly if it's more pronounced when he's not there. The advice given above to cut off all thoughts is good. It does work.

You had a crush like this on your DH once. If all novelty and excitement.

I've had the same. Currently crushing on a mutual friend. I casually mentioned it and it ended in huge argument where dh pinned me down and had his hands round my throat. The past 15 years thrown away because of a stupid fantasy. He's been arrested, I'm coming out of a breakdown. I don't know where we go from here as bail conditions mean no contact

I just wish I'd never bloody said anything now.

Well it's not the most sensible thing to announce to your husband, is it?

I think if my DH told he was attracted to one of my friends that would quite possibly be the end of my marriage too. Considering these things often/usually pass I'd say telling your DP is an idiotic thing to do. Unless you consider your marriage dead in the water anyway.

This Is a useful thread. I have one. Don't even see him much now and I think he's moving on soon. My head is relieved my heart not so much. It's all very silly though. It started when I was very unhappy, lonely, feeling old and worthless. My DH and I were not getting on, he wasn't being nice to me. Telling me how useless I was all the time. This man seemed so gentle and kind. In my head I thought if someone like him liked me then I was worth something. It was all from a distance though, we don't cross paths that often and I guess soon not at all.

Jesus, said I was going to get away from this thread (as think it too is my indulgence in this stupid crush) but am quite about Pandoraslast chance. I don't think having a crush (or anything) is grounds for being assaulted, and hope you're ok x