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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has recently left me - the in-laws

91 replies

Polly46219 · 20/02/2017 14:35

I just wondered if anyone had encountered the same problem/issues as me. My husband came home from work the day after Boxing Day, announced he didn't love me any more and that was that. He said he'd been thinking about it since March 2016. I subsequently found out he's been seeing someone at work - she has a young daughter. My husband and I have a 2 year old son. He moved out on New Year's Day and is now living in his parents' spare room. His Mum is doing his washing for him and cooks him a hot meal every night. They know he is seeing someone else and I am absolutely livid with them - it's almost as though they think this whole sorry mess is acceptable. My Mum told me that it is hard for them and they're going to put their son first but, I am still angry that they are almost facilitating this relationship and condoning his behaviour. His Mum won't get into any discussions about it with me and instead speaks to me in her 'sing song' voice about the weather etc when I see her every week (she has our son on a Wednesday) and I'm not sure how much more I can keep my mouth shut - I feel like I'm going to explode! At the weekend she posted a photo on facebook of her, my father-in-law, husband and sister-in-law saying what a fab night they had and lots of laughs. Er, hello?!!! Daughter-in-law in bits at home with your grandson 2 miles away!! Am I being unreasonable in my thoughts?!

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 20/02/2017 14:37

Yes. What do you want her to do? Never talk to her son again? Never enjoy his company again? Really?

Scrumptiousbears · 20/02/2017 14:39

I know you are hurting and pissed off but this is their son. I agree with PP. What do you want from them and want them to do? Chances are she doesn't want to discuss it as first it's not her business and second she is probably embarrassed.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/02/2017 14:40

You cannot really expect your ex's mother to feel the same way about your split as you do, even if he's been a dreadful shit.

Blood is almost always thicker than water in these situations and you'll make your life a lot easier if you stop expecting his parents to be fair or reasonable about your split. He's their son, they are going to side with him. Let it go.

xStefx · 20/02/2017 14:40

You are yeah but I imagine it hurts and cant be nice to see. Chin up OP x

shovetheholly · 20/02/2017 14:43

I think maintaining studied neutrality is a policy for a lot of people faced with friends or family who are splitting up. I appreciate that it's difficult for you to feel that you're not getting the support that he is getting, in spite of the fact that he is the one who left. However, I think she is probably in a very difficult place, wanting to help her son and to see her grandchild. My advice would be to seek help and support from elsewhere, and to maintain a polite but distant relationship towards them until you're feeling a bit better.

Sorry for what you're going through.

dalmatianmad · 20/02/2017 14:45

You're in a horrible situation, as is she.
It's her son and her loyalty with always lie with him.
Just keep it polite and friendly when you drop ds off on a Wednesday and maybe delete them from Facebook? That's what I did, you didn't need to see what they are doing and vice versa.
Good luck, such a horrible situation....

gillybeanz · 20/02/2017 14:47

I'd stop contact with her anyway, she's an ex mil now.
Find alternative care and let your ex take them to see her during his access time.
Cut ties from ils and you'll be happier.
You don't have to play happy families anymore.

Craiconwithit · 20/02/2017 14:50

I think most if not all MIL's would react the same way.
I understand that you want her to take sides and condemn her son's behaviour, but you're being unrealistic.
My ex MIL was just the same and at the time I was really upset and angry with her. My ex had emotionally blackmailed me into having an abortion that I didn't want and I thought she would support me as I had no parents of my own as my mum had only recently died.
In her eyes, ex DH could do no wrong despite all the evidence!

For your own sanity, try to distance yourself a bit and just see her as DC's granny. Look elsewhere for support.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/02/2017 14:58

I can fully understand how hurtful it must be to you, I really can. None of this is your fault, but it's not theirs either. They can't just turn their back on their son, no matter what he's done. It's a really hard thing for them too. I'm sorry OP, it sounds horrible for you.

TwitterQueen1 · 20/02/2017 15:03

It is hard for his parents. What do you expect them to do? Banish their son from their home and lives? Of course they won't do that - nor should they.

I'm afraid you just need to suck it up. I wouldn't do what a pp has suggested - ie cut all contact. That would be mean (unless you are genuinely finding it difficult to see her) and deprive her of looking after her GS.

And why do you want to talk to your MIL about it? I can't see that that would achieve anything except much upset and stress all round.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/02/2017 15:04

I would not turn my back on any of my ds's however old they are, and within reason, whatever they did.

Your husband has treated you badly but that isn't his Mum's fault

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 20/02/2017 15:12

She's his mum, it's always going to be where her loyalty lies.

He cheated and left not her.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 20/02/2017 15:13

Regardless of your marriage breakdown he is still her son! She isn't going to hate him or feel the way you do about the split she's his mother

Do you have support from your parents/siblings/friends? That's where you need to find support from not your ex in laws

WhispersOnTheWind · 20/02/2017 15:14

Stop contact - she's an ex-mil now? What about her grandchild? Does she forfeit contact with him too because she's accommodating her son in her home? She's not helping him pick out new soft furnishing for his new home with the OW, she's caught in the middle, just because she's putting him up until he sorts himself out does not necessarily mean she's condoning his behaviour in breaking up with his DW. For all we know she's bitching at him day and night about what he's done.

JustSpeakSense · 20/02/2017 15:20

Is it possible to find alternate childcare for DS on Wednesdays?

Cut all contact with them, delete from FB. You never need to see them again or endure her annoying sing song voice.

Let knobhead ex facilitate DS relationship with his parents, leave the lot if them to it.

Pinkheart5915 · 20/02/2017 15:20

She's his mother and I'm sure it is hard for you but she's not going to turn her back on her own son or hate him, but that doesn't mean she is proud of his behaviour though.

I don't get why you need a discussion about it all with your mil anyway tbh, that was your marriage not hers and I don't blame her for not wanting to discuss it.

You need to rely on your own support network

When your ds is grown up I doubt you'd turn him away either

Original poster

Polly46219 · 20/02/2017 15:21

Wow - seems I'm being a bit harsh! It is so hard though. Yes, I am fortunate to have lots of support from family and friends. I don't know; I suppose I was looking for some acknowledgement from her that what he has done they don't agree with but maybe I'm expecting too much. We (me, DH and the in-laws) were all very close and used to do lots of sociable family things together. He basically lied to me for a whole year (and my parents - they thought of him as a son, too) and it has hurt so much. I will try and bite my tongue and yes, I do know deep down, that is not her fault at all. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

greedygorb · 20/02/2017 15:25

As others say they will always side with their son. If this upsets you then stop seeing your MIL. Your exH can take your child to see them. There's no point in torturing yourself. Their attitude won't change. Even though he has been a total shit to you. Unfortunately the worst of the pain of bad break ups are for the most part to be borne by the wounded party alone.

greedygorb · 20/02/2017 15:26

Oh and he has probably told them a whole load of nonsense about how dreadful you were and that's why he was driven to be a total shit.

NotJanine · 20/02/2017 15:27

I can appreciate how you're feeling, although it is irrational you want them to be on your side and agree what a bastard he is.

I'm sure that they are disappointed and probably a bit ashamed of what he has done. But he is still their son and they love him as you love your son.

I agree with the others, cut off all communication. If they can't understand why then you'll have to spell it out for them.

Touchmybum · 20/02/2017 15:27

Try to think of how it would be if it was 30 years' hence and it was your son... I'm sure his parents aren't condoning what he has done but what's done is done and your DH is still their son. Don't deprive your son of a relationship with his grandparents because of his dad's shitty behaviour. Take care x

nat73 · 20/02/2017 15:27

They may well think he is a little shit but he is still their son. I still get Xmas cards from my X MIL and we divorced 10 years ago.

Peaches77 · 20/02/2017 15:28

Prepare yourself for facebook posts of the new gf out socialising with them. I can completely understand your hurt if I was close to my ILs I'd be hurt too. An acknowledgment of your hurt would be nice and TBH it shows she is not a very nice woman if she can't say to you 'my son has treated you very badly and I am very annoyed at him' you're not asking for them
To disown him

Vegansnake · 20/02/2017 15:30

What gilliebeans said....maybe she would be more disgusted with him if it impacted on her.at the minute she's all win win..grandson once a week.son back home to be fussed over.whats not to like,from her point of view.you don't ever have to see her again...sort out childcare and let yr husband sort out her access to yr son..it's not yr responsiblity to make sure she sees him..it's his

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 20/02/2017 15:35

I strongly suspect you've been painted badly. A bit off that she can't acknowledge what's happened though. I'd be reducing contact to save my sanity, this will only hurt you.

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