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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has recently left me - the in-laws

91 replies

Polly46219 · 20/02/2017 14:35

I just wondered if anyone had encountered the same problem/issues as me. My husband came home from work the day after Boxing Day, announced he didn't love me any more and that was that. He said he'd been thinking about it since March 2016. I subsequently found out he's been seeing someone at work - she has a young daughter. My husband and I have a 2 year old son. He moved out on New Year's Day and is now living in his parents' spare room. His Mum is doing his washing for him and cooks him a hot meal every night. They know he is seeing someone else and I am absolutely livid with them - it's almost as though they think this whole sorry mess is acceptable. My Mum told me that it is hard for them and they're going to put their son first but, I am still angry that they are almost facilitating this relationship and condoning his behaviour. His Mum won't get into any discussions about it with me and instead speaks to me in her 'sing song' voice about the weather etc when I see her every week (she has our son on a Wednesday) and I'm not sure how much more I can keep my mouth shut - I feel like I'm going to explode! At the weekend she posted a photo on facebook of her, my father-in-law, husband and sister-in-law saying what a fab night they had and lots of laughs. Er, hello?!!! Daughter-in-law in bits at home with your grandson 2 miles away!! Am I being unreasonable in my thoughts?!

OP posts:

MrsLindor · 20/02/2017 16:36

In my case my now ex PIL didn't take his side, it helped I suppose that he didn't make contact with them for 5 months as he was so ashamed of himself. They have a very distant, relationship with him and refuse to meet OW. Where that leaves me is essentially taking on the role of daughter rather than daughter in law.

I'm trying to put a bit of distance between us and focus them on DD rather than me and DD but it's difficult. I wouldn't want to cut contact but at the same time I need some space. Either way it's hard to maintain appropriate relationships with your ex's family as your own life changes.

Original poster

Polly46219 · 20/02/2017 16:36

And as you can all probably tell, I'm very angry about everything. The whole 'let it go' concept feels like (a) an admittance it's over and (b) acceptance of his behaviour. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. How can you have sex with someone all year, buy them presents, tell them you love them and ten months later, say it was all lies? No wonder my head's all over the place.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 20/02/2017 16:39

Its a bit early to let it go, you have every right to be angry. But its probable he's fed his parents some story about how you drove him away.

Headofthehive55 · 20/02/2017 16:43

You really don't need to see them. You DS will not suffer - your h can facilitate contact.
It's callous and unfeeling I think to post pics on FB about how happy they are. There is such a thing as holding back, in respect for other people's feelings.

Bluntness100 · 20/02/2017 16:44

I also think uou have a right to be shocked and angry and , that's natural, but it's him , he's the issue not anyone else.

The councilling is a good idea and hopefully will help. It's a positive step forward.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 20/02/2017 16:45

I can see MiL's in a bad position, and her first loyalty is always going to be to her son, but she could be more sensitive and you're not feeling resilient or strong at the moment. Bottom line is it's adding to your unhappiness and you don't have to suck this up as well as everything else.

Contact and relationship with his side of the family is your ex's responsibility, and if/when ex has another partner it's likely to become increasingly complicated anyway. There's no shortage of threads around on MN from second partners struggling that PiLs first loyalty is to their son's first partner and the mother of their GC, this is a hard situation for everyone involved. It's ok to protect yourself too.

If ex can pick up and drop off for Wednesdays so you don't have to see PiL then that's one solution, but otherwise I would make other arrangements. It isn't about punishing MiL or removing her contact time, it's about that the whole family situation has changed with the separation everyone is affected by it, and things won't be like they were before. If ex can't facilitate the Wednesdays then MiL can arrange with her ex about how to still have that time with dc during his contact time. If MiL comes to you about it then you can explain that it's just too upsetting for you and one too many things to cope with. You're sure ex will make sure she and dc's relationship isn't affected but that's his job now. And yes, I'd block on FB. There's a difference between valuing and supporting your dc in having their ongoing relationship with ex's family and continuing to have your own relationship with them. That part you don't have to do.

lizzyj4 · 20/02/2017 16:47

I think you just need to concentrate on the fact that they are maintaining a relationship with your ds. That doesn't always happen and it's so important for your ds.

We live quite a long way from the in-laws. When I first separated, I bought my son a mobile phone so he could text in-laws and vice-versa, and set up an email address and Skype account for him,, so he could stay in touch with them independently of me (he was 10 at the time). Sent them all the info. The response was deadly silence, absolutely no effort on their part. Four years later, they have completely cut him out, for no good reason I can see. I would never have expected them to 'take sides', but it seems simply maintaining a relationship with my ds was too much too. Their loss, and it just proves what kind of people they are, but it was very hurtful for my ds. So focus on maintaining that relationship, value it for what it is, and don't expect anything else from them.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 20/02/2017 16:47

Gah, MiL can arrange with your ex, probably little point in her involving hers!

AgathaRaisonDetra · 20/02/2017 16:54

I'm going against the grain here as YANBU. You just want some acknowledgment of a) you were his wife (still are, actually ) b) you are the mother of their grandchild c) the shut has hit the fan.

To completely blank out what your DH did is unreasonable. They should at least say "we're sorry this has happened. Let's try to work it out. Here, have a cup of tea."

The only thing that will get you through this is to realise that the PIL made the son, therefore his behaviour is acceptable because they taught him that this behaviour is acceptable IYSWIM. So, roll your eyes at then and don't expect anything from them. It's a shame, but that's the way it is for now 🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫

MuseumOfCurry · 20/02/2017 16:54

Yes, I am finding it hard to move on and upset that he appears to have done so, so easily. We (me, DH, DS) would always have 'group hugs' and DH would say "I love my little family". We were just so close. I'm still in shock I think.

I'm so sorry.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/02/2017 16:58

I'm the mother of a married son and my DiL is lovely so I tried to put myself in your MiL's position. They have no DC and I do think that adds a different dimension of hurt to it not present when it's a childless couple.

In her place I can guarantee that I would have given my son absolute hell for cheating. But he is still my son, so I probably wouldn't discuss what was said with you, other than to tell you that he knows how I feel and that I'm sorry he treated you badly. But I would make it clear that the subject was not open for continual discussion nor for you to continually badmouth my son (I'm not saying you are). What happened was between the two of you, it was fucking shit, but it is for you and him to work out how to go forward in the future as co-parents.

She's entitled to treat him how she wants, but I don't do laundry or cook meals for my adult son living at home. If I'm cooking, he's welcome to eat, if I'm not, he's on his own. Same for laundry. But I wouldn't 'punish' him by excluding him from everyday family activities or meals. I don't see including him in family life as 'facilitating' his relationship with OW.

I really think it's in the best interests of all for his parents to maintain some type of 'neutrality'. It's better for their relationship with their DGC, and with you.

I think counseling is a good idea. It's always good to have a 'neutral' ear with a good set of tools to help you. I'm so sorry this has happened. It happened to my cousin and she was devastated.

Valentine2 · 20/02/2017 17:04

Why are you on Facebook with any of his family now anyway? Unless you have a particularly strong relationship or history with any of them, the in laws must go with the leaving spouse. Otherwise you are leaving a door open that is bound to hurt.
I have seen it happening elsewhere though and I can understand your anger. the family of the cheat keeps having a "neutral" face although god knows how they manage it despite claiming they know what an arse their son has been.
Best is to cut contact to as little as possible and be very pointedly cold about any discussion other than your DC. Oh and kick them off of your Facebook.

loveyoutothemoon · 20/02/2017 17:45

Maybe he should let them see your DS in HIS time.

Thinkingblonde · 20/02/2017 19:13

What else can she do? He is her son. Your in laws are caught in the middle of a situation that is not of their choosing.
They can't tell him to stop seeing the woman, he's a grown man and makes his own choices, they probably want to shake him until his teeth rattle but what good would it do?
As for going no contact with the in laws, is that really what you want.

RainbowChasing · 20/02/2017 19:56

You are BU and NBU at the same time. Like most others are saying, that is her son and she shouldn't be expected to turn her back on him or not socialise with him because he chose to do a shitty thing to you. However, she should at least acknowledge in some way to you that what he did was wrong. If my son behaved liked this to his wife then I would show my DIL love and support and I would express disappointment at his actions (both to him and to her). If your husband was a decent man then he wouldn't take offence at his mother at least showing you a little support. I really feel for you.

Livelovebehappy · 20/02/2017 21:23

Went through exactly same thing. Ex MIL especially refused to see what he had done, or that he was even seeing someone else. In the end I had to cut contact with her totally. it's not up to you to ensure contact between them and your DCs. That's your DHs job when he has them. It's always hard when a breakup happens because you not only lose your partner, but also his family.

Bones2017 · 21/02/2017 08:41

I've actually had no contact at all from husbands father. Which hurts because I was always seen as a daughter. His mum and sister speak to me but only limited. They don't talk about husband to me at all. It hurts a lot of people when husbands decide to run. X

Adora10 · 21/02/2017 13:14

Totally get your fury and upset, no wonder!

But, it's her son, she's not going to see him out on the street, or whatever; doesn't mean she condones his behaviour but she will still want the best for him; I am sure she feels sorry for you, even bad about the whole thing but she's not going to take sides and her loyalty lies with him, he's her son; I'd do the same.

It's still shit for you though but try not to take it personally, I don't think for a second she's being malicious.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 13:20

Given that we know nothing of the OP's husband's financial situation (do we?) you have no way of knowing what would have happened if his mother had not taken him in. It might mean that he'd just have a lot less spare cash.

As I said before, I'd not allow my son to move in under these circumstances. He'd have to find the money to set up a second home.

Doowappydoo · 21/02/2017 13:41

Sorry OP - this sounds awful and you must still be in a state of shock.

I do agree though that whilst your MIL may be furious with her son and hate what he has done he is still her son and she may feel that having him to stay with her whilst everything is so raw is better for all of you than having him set up home with the OW. It maybe that her sing song voice and weather talk is covering up her anger and shame but I do understand why she won't talk to you about it - I think most people would advise her to not get involved.

It's a cliche but time is a healer- these very intense feelings will pass. I would block ck on Facebook lean on your own family and friends, keep your dignity and remain polite and neutral when you see her. Strongly disagree with stopping her having your son - seems spiteful to me and would mainly punish your son and your in laws who haven't done anything wrong. You may also end up depriving yourself of help and support with DS in the future. Good luck

Adora10 · 21/02/2017 13:44

Assuming he's moved home for financial reasons, I'd doubt it would have been his first choice.

I'd be livid but at the end of the day, it's his relationship, not his mum's.

Valentine2 · 21/02/2017 14:12

Niskayuna
The story you tell is what should be done by the parents and close family of cheaters. If people set examples and generally make it a taboo bigger than it is now, may be all the women and men who suffer because of their cheating partners will have far less to worry about and far more strength to fight the demons.
I think if you don't be openly against what's wrong, you are facilitating it no matter at what scale.
I have also seen a family where the guy did cheat, not once or twice but THRICE.i strongly believe itwent this far because every time he did it and went back crying to his parents, they took him in. They in effect facilitated his moves and decisions, provided him the financial respite he needed every time, cooked his foods, washed his clothes until he found the next girl to do it for him.
May be if we start considering the family a partner in crime too (if they are facilitating the cheaters of course), the rate of cheating might fall? Who knows?

measles64 · 21/02/2017 14:16

I would be absolutely furious with my son, he would receive tongue lashings from both his parents for bailing. But I expect I would take him in hoping that he saw sense and went back to his family (if they still wanted him) rather than pushing him into the arms of the other woman by closing the door on him.

I adore my grand children it is an impossible position to be in as the in-law.

Valentine2 · 21/02/2017 14:22

measles
I have sons too and I don't know how I will feel once they are adults and if I am put into this situation. I can't guarantee may be but I am nearly 100% sure that I will be able to put myself into the shoes of their partners and will not forget the cheaters' script. I appreciate you say you will take your son back in the hope he will go back to his family. I just don't think it will be that good an example to set for your DGC. May be some big kicks up the backside will be what I would do alongwith threats of cutting them off inheritance and having no contact with them so the DGC do not go on to learn that it's still somewhat acceptable and you can get away with some of it.
(Sorry if I come across as harsh).

Valentine2 · 21/02/2017 14:23

I should have said that if they still went ahead to not mend their ways, I would act on my threats.

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