Husband has recently left me - the in-laws

[Polly46219]

I just wondered if anyone had encountered the same problem/issues as me. My husband came home from work the day after Boxing Day, announced he didn't love me any more and that was that. He said he'd been thinking about it since March 2016. I subsequently found out he's been seeing someone at work - she has a young daughter. My husband and I have a 2 year old son. He moved out on New Year's Day and is now living in his parents' spare room. His Mum is doing his washing for him and cooks him a hot meal every night. They know he is seeing someone else and I am absolutely livid with them - it's almost as though they think this whole sorry mess is acceptable. My Mum told me that it is hard for them and they're going to put their son first but, I am still angry that they are almost facilitating this relationship and condoning his behaviour. His Mum won't get into any discussions about it with me and instead speaks to me in her 'sing song' voice about the weather etc when I see her every week (she has our son on a Wednesday) and I'm not sure how much more I can keep my mouth shut - I feel like I'm going to explode! At the weekend she posted a photo on facebook of her, my father-in-law, husband and sister-in-law saying what a fab night they had and lots of laughs. Er, hello?!!! Daughter-in-law in bits at home with your grandson 2 miles away!! Am I being unreasonable in my thoughts?!

Unfortunately, no matter how close you were, he is her son and he is her family.

That -in-law part is there for a reason.

It sucks but they are his family, not yours.

And I'm really sorry but you're being insane about the fb post! Why would they include you in a family night out?

Click on the little down arrow on the top right hand corner of the post.

"Hide all from X"

Dont cut off contact with your MIL, she is your DS's grandmother and if she has him once a week I imagine they are close. But you dont need to keep reopening the wound by seeing their happy faces plastered all over facebook. Your Ex was awful to you and you are right to feel hurt, but she will undoubtedly stick by her son.

Well I guess that they can't be expected to sit in & be miserable because you are.

Do you have to still see her every week?

I think that she is right not to discuss it with you.

My ILs I know for sure would be absolutely disgusted with my husband if he did this.

They'd sympathise with me but at the end of the day he's their son & they love him & I know wouldn't want to sit listening to me bad mouthing him.

I think someone would need to of been in the same situation as the op to appreciate what she is trying to explain...I understand how you feel..totally ,

Hi

Well I know I would feel like you but I think She would have told her son she was disappointed in him and all of that sort of thing but why would she be disrespectful to him and speak to you about it?

By her supporting him she isn't supporting what he did remember that and look forward to finding a man who appreciates you xxx

It's completely understandable that you feel hurt, but try to imagine what you would do in 30 years' time if DS did the same to his DP. No matter how much you disapproved or loved your DIL, wouldn't you do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with your DS?

In a split a parent will usually support their child, even if they were at fault. If she is being nice and polite with you that's the best you will get tbh. Hide or delete her from fb. You don't need to see what they are doing and it won't be helpful.

Some in laws become venemous and spiteful to the ex of their child. If she's still being polite that's a good thing. It is hard but you do have to let it go I'm afraid. Maintain the polite, get their news off your FB feed and get your support from your family and friends. Their job is to support their child, your family should be supporting you.

I've been in this position as the MIL, bit different as it was my DD who split from her OH. I was very upset, I had grown to love him and I told him I was sorry that it happened.
In private me and my DD had a few spats over it, no one else would ever know this. He had to rely on his family as she relied on me and our family. I actually cried myself to sleep a few times, but I was loyal to her, she is my DD and my priority but it doesn't mean I didn't care.

Sorry op, I agree with the others, you are being unreasonable, she's his mum and it's best for her to try to remain neutral and not comment. Taking him in is fairly natural he's her son.

The Facebook thing is very over the top though. I think uou need to get your head round the fact you are only their daughter in law legally now till the divorce comes through and you won't be included in family gatherings. You child will be different and will be included as apppriate.

I'm sorry you're going through this.💐

She is right not to talk to you about it btw and it isn't fair to put her in the middle. She can still love and support her child without condoning his behaviour but it is definately right that she stays out of a "she said, he said." which isn't helpful to anyone.

Your husband has wronged you and been an ass but there are many other people who will happily sit down and call him out on it with you. Give them that job, not her.

I can't believe all these vengeful posters who are advocating cutting all contact with MIL and stopping the Wednesday childcare arrangement. Don't do that OP - that's shitty

Yes I think your MIL should acknowledge your hurt and her son's role in it - but as other posters have said he is still her son. Also by accommodating him at her house at least it's not forcing him under the roof of the ow - perhaps MIL is hoping that this will pass and there may be a reconciliation

I'm in a similar situation although I've not had confirmation yet of an OW. Hubs left me on the 9th December. My in laws are cordial with me but after being in their lives for 19 years I'd at least have expected a visit to see how I am! But no. They're all for him.
However I do understand how 'in the middle' they must feel. I've a feeling his mum doesn't agree with my husbands behaviour but he's her son after all.
Hugs. I know how you feel. X

Personally I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I had this in my family. 'Son' declares he'll be abandoning his wife and children for a workplace girl with a drug problem ("she's in rehab!") Far from 'supporting' him, they were disappointed he was such a scumbag and remained fairly neutral. They offered help and kindness to the wife, their DIL, and the kids, and their son got civil chat but certainly no red carpet. It was really hard for them - he was their son and they really wanted to somehow drudge up some feelings for him, but what he did to his wife and kids was just unforgivable. The kids were traumatised (he simply walked out and didn't see them for a long time, then whenever he did, he'd drop them at Gran's without a backward glance) and his wife's struggled financially ever since. And I can totally see where they're coming from. They wanted to feel 'OK' about it, but it was so fucking vicious, what he did. They couldn't see past it. He wasn't the same, to them, anymore. They saw him for the unpleasant person he was.

Everyone's 'moved on', in a way, but really the wounds are still raw. They're so disappointed in him and now don't speak to him - they drifted apart, as people with different value systems tend to.

What a catch, crawling back to mummy! Yuck. At least some of them get flats of their own or move straight in with the other woman, which is fractionally less pathetic than sitting in your childhood bedroom while mummy cooks. Big baby. Where was I? Right, yeah, OK, so Mum has offered him a room and that, which is eyerolly but fair enough. I think playing happy families with the other woman is crossing a line though. You're the mother of her grandchildren, and unless she wants to be erased from their lives it's in her interests to be nice to you. Posting up happy-family pics like that is a shitty thing to do. Wait, did you say she posted pics up of the other woman, or just of the nuclear family?

Still, even if just the family, it's a shame. She's avoiding the topic with you, and if she's got no support to offer there's no point her coming round. One benefit of divorce is you no longer have to play nice with 'family members of a man I was once married to'. Dad can arrange any time for his parents to see the grandkids (believe me, he will. Frequently) - it is literally no longer your business unless you make it so.

YANBU OP. She could put her bloody arm around you and tell you she thinks it's proper shit. That's all you need - some acknowledgment. Not this singy-songy nonsense.

I think pp are right, either delete or unfollow mil from FB and get your ex to sort out the arrangement for the GPs to see your son. Could they pick him up from school or nursery ( not sure how old DS is). I think the least contact you have with them all the better, concentrate on your own life , be polite & neutral towards them. I get how you're feeling but don't expect them to be the way you want them to be

I understand what you mean and if a son of mine (or a daughter) had cheated on their spouse I would not condone that behaviour and they would know it.

Would you take your child's side over some future son-in-law? Or is your relationship with your own child more important to you.

If my son left his wife and young child for another woman - I don't think he'd have a home with us. I'd still love him and be there for him as much as I could, but I wouldn't enable his betrayal.

And I know my in-laws would never condone such behaviour from my husband.

OP I'd be bitterly disappointed.

It's not win win for her at all, what rot. Her son's marriage has broken down acrimoniously, her DGC will be growing up with separated/divorced parents, and her son has behaved appallingly. I'd be in bits if it was my DS - but I would still support him and not slag him off to his ex-wife.

I assume she knows why her son is back living with her (lying and cheating for almost a year; walked out on own child).

But, at the end of the day, he is her son. What is she supposed to do? How long is she supposed to do it?

If you really can't bear it, find alternative childcare arrangements for Wednesdays and tell your Ex that he'll have to arrange his mother's time with the child on his days.

Time to unfriend them on facebook? There's no need for you to see that. My mum adopts that sort of sing song jolly hockey sticks demeanor when really bad things are happening - you have to find a graceful distance to withdraw to. In the long run, selfish people always out themselves but you have to wait patiently to avoid being the bitter one always trying to point out their faults. I'd be furious and want your DH punished for his betrayal but you have to work through those feelings as his family do have to support him and ultimately whatever he's done, if he fell apart it'd impact your DC.

My ex left me for ow and went back to live with mil. I had been very close to mil for 16 years, she was devastated at the situation but he was her son and she couldn't turn him away. She supported him but did not condone what he did and I really missed our relationship, sadly she had a stroke 2 weeks after the split and went to live with sil.
I think you are expecting too much from your mil - she is in a very difficult situation.

Op. it's only been a few weeks. Your feelings must be very raw. Do you feel like you're struggling to accept it's over and that is what is driving these feelings towards his mum,,,I notice you refer to yourself as their daughter in law in the current tense and your soon to be ex as your husband and again in the current tense,. Which technically is true but maybe it maybe indicates a reticence to accept the split is permanent.

Is there maybe any help you can get there, councilling maybe to try to accept this and move on, I think it's like a grieving process.

As for the cause of the split, was it simply about the other woman, or was the marriage fundamentally unhappy and the relationship with her was simply a symptom of that? Sometimes yes, it is just about a cheater and another woman, but sometimes it's a lot more complicated than that and the cheating is simply a by product. 😞

I wouldn't be doing any washing for a bloke who has been a complete knob

I am starting counselling tomorrow actually, so good point. No, it was a complete and utter shock. Apart from two weeks before Christmas where he went very quiet and behaving in an odd way and hiding his phone, I had no idea! Everything was normal. We talked, we laughed, he was a real homebody and wasn't really in to going out drinking. He played golf with my Dad - it's just all so horrid. You may find this hard to believe but, I don't want him back either. Yes, I am grieving but it's for what we had and obviously I do miss him. Yes, I am finding it hard to move on and upset that he appears to have done so, so easily. We (me, DH, DS) would always have 'group hugs' and DH would say "I love my little family". We were just so close. I'm still in shock I think.