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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I'm about to get dumped...help me maintain my dignity please.

84 replies

Gertrudeisgerman · 18/01/2017 13:01

I had a thread last week or week before about my DP of a year back tracking about moving in. Had some good advice from here, thank you to all who posted Flowers I didn't bring it up until Sunday and he basically turned round and said he 'doesn't want the pressure'. Various other stuff has led me to the conclusion I'm about to get dumped (only spent 2 nights together in last 2 weeks, he needs time alone, a lot less frequent messages, not really giving a shit that me and the kids have had norovirus, saying my dc's are stressful etc).

So, how can I maintain my dignity when the inevitable happens? I have very low self esteem (I had a rough childhood and marriage) so I know this will knock me but I'm 37 with a responsible job and dcs who are losing a grandmother (ex MIL is in her final hours) so I REALLY need to keep my shit together.

Anyone got any experience of managing a break up so it doesn't turn into a shit storm? I'm trying to prepare a dignified message in reply as I have a feeling he will do it via text message. So far I've got 'Fuck you then, you 41 year old lazy man child. You need to think about why you still have your ex as your 'best friend' and have never managed to stick to anything.' But that isn't really hitting the dignified mark Confused

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 18/01/2017 13:04

End it yourself. Just say this isn't working for me.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2017 13:05

No, dump him first! Do it now! He sounds bloody useless anyway.

Send a text: "Sorry, this isn't working for me. I'll put your things outside when you finish work - come and collect them then."

Don't just wait to be dumped!

Stormwhale · 18/01/2017 13:05

I would end it myself. "Hi, sorry this isn't working for me anymore. I don't feel like a priority to you and our relationship doesn't seem to be moving forwards. Take care."

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2017 13:06

You'll feel crap if he dumps you and great if you get there first.

YouCanDoThis · 18/01/2017 13:08

Yes, get in first. It sounds as though it really isn't working got you anyway.

TimTamTerrier · 18/01/2017 13:09

Send him a text. "There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and I don't have enough time to commit to a relationship especially with a sad loser. I'm sorry. I wish you happiness in your future."

Or if he breaks up with you "OK then" in an uninterested voice, shrug and forget him.

YouCanDoThis · 18/01/2017 13:10

*for! It also sounds as though you need peace of mind just now. Easier to get rid than torment yourself.

RainbowsandLemonDrops · 18/01/2017 13:11

Don't send the text you've written. It sounds a little immature (sorry) and what does it matter now if his ex is his best friend?

Either do it first which is the best option or when he does break it off just say something along the lines of 'I was thinking the same. I'm glad we're on the same page. Take care'

Brokenbutbreathing · 18/01/2017 13:12

MN is so wise! Yes definitely end it right now, politely, and walk away with your head held high doing a little dance

Original poster
Gertrudeisgerman · 18/01/2017 13:13

I should do that but I if I do I can just imagine my parents & siblings & eldest DS with their Hmm faces and the 'Gertrude fucks it up and fails at a relationship AGAIN' plus I actually don't really want it to end Sad Up until Christmas Day everything was great but in the space of 3 weeks it has all gone to shit.

OP posts:
Caken · 18/01/2017 13:16

Yes, get in first, send what Stormwhale said. Dignified and concise, and just a little bit cutting.

The soon-to-be-ex sounds like an arsehole, hope you're ok Flowers

Original poster
Gertrudeisgerman · 18/01/2017 13:16

Rainbow there's a bit more to it with his ex. She lives opposite him, still has her post delivered to his, they share custody of their dogs, still owns his house with him and he and his mum still have pictures of her up on their wall. It has been a bone of contention with me for the past year but only internally.

The best friend thing is just bullshit really.

OP posts:
Caken · 18/01/2017 13:17

Ah x-post. Try not to factor in what judgey people will have to say. You haven't failed anything, your OH has failed you Flowers

Scarftown · 18/01/2017 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellapaella · 18/01/2017 13:18

Then just leave things for a while - tell him you need a bit of space as you have a lot of other difficult stuff to deal with right now and you'll be in touch in a couple of weeks? That's not ending the relationship but gives both of you a way out without having to have a big scene. And if he really wants to sort things out with you then he won't disappear into thin air, he'll still be around after a couple of weeks but you will know if he doesn't chase you that he's not that interested.

Original poster
Gertrudeisgerman · 18/01/2017 13:19

I am questioning why

  1. I'm bothered about what other people will say
  1. I still want to be with someone who is making me feel absolutely fucking shit about myself.
OP posts:
1stDinkyDecker · 18/01/2017 13:21

You deserve better, your loved ones should want the best for you, what he is offering is not the best. They should understand that.

More than that, sod what anyone else thinks, you have to put yourself first.

mistermagpie · 18/01/2017 13:21

definitely dump him first, he doesn't exatly sound like a great catch anyway and you understadably have other priorities than somebody who doesn't seem to care much for you and your kids. Stormwhale's text is perfect.

Original poster
Gertrudeisgerman · 18/01/2017 13:22

Ella that is excellent advice. I do need a bit of space. I loved my MIL (even though her son was a complete arsehole) and I feel like this is taking up my headspace instead of grieving for her and supporting my dc's. I think that might be the best approach.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 18/01/2017 13:22

If anyone asks why you ended it say 'he wasn't good enough for me or the kids'. Its the truth.

YouCanDoThis · 18/01/2017 13:25

I would guess that whatever caused you to have a rough childhood also led you into a difficult marriage and now wanting to cling onto this relationship with someone who obviously is not right for you. Perhaps invest in some time with a really good therapist to figure it out and learn not to allow the judgement of others be so dominant in your choices.
Good luck!

CatyB · 18/01/2017 13:26

It seems to me like you are stressing over this so much because you think you have no control over it. I have to ask this: are you absolutely sure that you have exhausted every option for fixing things up?

Underthemoonlight · 18/01/2017 13:27

I remember you now from you're update everyone told you to run a mile when you were staying in his house and she would let herself in. Get in there first like everyone else is telling you.

Deadsouls · 18/01/2017 13:30

Could you just say for now, 'I want to take some space right now as I've got a lot to deal with, take care I'll be in touch'?

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2017 13:31

You're in control here. I do have a niggling suspicion, he's being a coward & waiting for you to end it