I think I'm about to get dumped...help me maintain my dignity please.

[Gertrudeisgerman]

I had a thread last week or week before about my DP of a year back tracking about moving in. Had some good advice from here, thank you to all who posted I didn't bring it up until Sunday and he basically turned round and said he 'doesn't want the pressure'. Various other stuff has led me to the conclusion I'm about to get dumped (only spent 2 nights together in last 2 weeks, he needs time alone, a lot less frequent messages, not really giving a shit that me and the kids have had norovirus, saying my dc's are stressful etc).

So, how can I maintain my dignity when the inevitable happens? I have very low self esteem (I had a rough childhood and marriage) so I know this will knock me but I'm 37 with a responsible job and dcs who are losing a grandmother (ex MIL is in her final hours) so I REALLY need to keep my shit together.

Anyone got any experience of managing a break up so it doesn't turn into a shit storm? I'm trying to prepare a dignified message in reply as I have a feeling he will do it via text message. So far I've got 'Fuck you then, you 41 year old lazy man child. You need to think about why you still have your ex as your 'best friend' and have never managed to stick to anything.' But that isn't really hitting the dignified mark

Simply "I understand" and leave it at that.

I would back off for now and see what he does. Don't initiate texts or phone calls and give yourself time think about what you want.

Breaking up with him just to be first is childish and reaction out of fear instead of strength. You don't actually know what is going on inside of his head. It looks like he just wants some space, so give him the space but use it to your advantage. Think about the relationship and decide of you are happy continuing it. If he really is a "man child" and you're unhappy in the relationship then of course you should end it! But don't react without giving yourself time to decide what you actually want. If you decide that you are happy and want the relationship to work then have a mature conversation with him.

Lifechanging I think you are right. Calling him a man child was me being angry. He sent me a message earlier on saying 'I'm sorry I've been so unpleasant lately' so I replied

'It's okay, glad we have spent this time apart though because it has shown me that I need a bit of space too and I have felt much more relaxed because of it. I'll be in touch when things have settled down a bit at home.'

To which he replied 'I don't need time apart to know I love you.'

I'm just going to leave it now and not speak to him. I'm on day 6 of solo parenting 3 worried and sick dc's, going back to work tomorrow and have a child free weekend coming up. I've decided to use it to see my friends that I've neglected recently, start swimming again and spend some time alone to reflect on my approach to stuff.

It doesn't sound like he's really meeting your needs at the moment and I'm with the posters who said "dump him" (I'm afraid I didn't see your previous thread so not sure about the context).

I like StormWhale's text and putting the emphasis on the fact that it's not working for you (and it really doesn't seem to be).

And can sympathise about the faces from family and friends (I have a string of 2/3 year monogamous relationships behind me before I end them for a variety of reasons, though I think that I have found the right man for me now).

Fantastic, well done GERT, very well said.
All done in an adult and dignified manner.
Swimming is a great idea !
Have a good time catching up with your friends, then you can re evaluate.
I don't think you'll look back. 😀

De-lurking to say I think the text you sent was spot on OP and I hope you have a really nice weekend and can use it to think about what YOU want

I bet you he'll be worried though and you'll hear lots more from him now. Stay level headed though and focus on whether it's working for you

Hate to go against the grain though, but you say everything was great up until Christmas day and has dramatically gone down hill in 3 weeks? Have you actually talked to him about it?! Maybe he is worried about something. Call me odd, but if my partner went cold I would be concerned there was something wrong as opposed to thinking about dumping him!

I wouldn't be nice. I wouldn't be nasty. If he ends it, don't bother to reply, or say just "OK". If you end it just stay totally neutral with the minimum "decided to end things". I wouldn't bother wishing a tosser 'good luck' at all.

just saw the "love you" bit . But if he's no good he's no good ...

Hi
I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. I would definitely end it yourself, much better than waiting for the horrible let down text.

Thank him for the time you've spent together, its been nice but its time to move on. Leave it on a positive note, it will make you feel better rather than telling him exactly what an asshole he is.

Take care

I feel like sending him a link to that Beautiful South song 'I need a little time'.

Saying you need 'space and time' from someone pretty much equates to 'Fuck off love, I've seen something better/I can't be arsed'. So wanky...

I must keep my dignity. Thanks MN

Orlando I have asked and asked and asked and he just repeats 'I just need space & to be alone' I have tried to talk about it and my first thought wasn't to dump him, I asked him if he wanted out and he said no. I've given him ample opportunity to talk to me but he won't see me to actually talk to me. I am completely taken aback from his about turn. He was lovely before, really loving, complimentary etc. But on Christmas Eve/Christmas day he went really weird.

I'm going against the grain too, and I'm SO sorry to sound harsh (especially because you sound so lovely) but i would cut him some slack... Your kids have had norovirus?

We (me and the kids) had it over Christmas and it was hands down the hardest and worst few days of my life, ever. There is no way in hell I could support anyone else and their DC going through that. I could just about tolerate my own kids that week, never mind someone else's. I can understand why he would find that stressful and disappear/limit contact.

I didn't see your other thread, so I'm not sure if this relationship is worth trying trying to save.
Maybe slow things down?

I think he was taken aback by your text. Now he suddenly loves you because you have taken the wind out of his sails. He thought you'd keep asking him what's wrong and try and fix things.

Once he reels you in, the same thing will happen in a few weeks.

We had norovirus Aoibhe he didn't/hasn't because he hasn't been around to catch it. (it's bloody awful isn't it?! DD was soooo ill from it. It went through me and all 3dc's like wildfire and I work in a hospital with newborns so we have had to stay home ) anyway, so his disappearing started before that. I didn't ask him to come and nurse us btw.

Hang on...... slow it down a minute.

What's he actually done wrong here? Wanting to slow it down a bit re moving in after only a year together is I think very sensible. All adults some times need space sometimes. I think youve overreacted massively.

LesisMisetable

There are other threads the op started, he's been shit for a long time and completely over-involved with his ex who lives across the road.

Op has been miserable and her confidence has taken a huge knock.

Any chance there's someone else?

The sudden step back and wanting space thing after Xmas is ringing alarm bells.

Or might something have happened with his ex over Xmas?

He's not supporting you through a difficult time, and from what I've read from your posts, he's making your life worse, not better. He seems to enjoy/get comfort from keeping you dangling, and now he feels you're backing away, the love-bombing's begun already.

I'm sorry to say I agree with Chloe. You're not playing his game according to his rules, and undoubtedly it's knocked him for six, that you're veering from the usual script. And relationships based on games aren't healthy.

Who knows if something happened with ex? I know it did a couple of months before he met me but they split up 4 years ago! Although he mentioned recently that she was sleeping with someone else (who had asked her to shave her public hair and I wasn't thrilled that they had a conversation about that!!) so maybe this has triggered something. I actually don't think I'm overreacting lesmis if anything I think I've been far too passive. Especially regarding the situation with the ex.

Talking this through and writing everything down is giving me a lot of clarity.

Oh right. So she needed to bin him ages ago then if she was miserable.

Op, youve done the worst possible thing if you want rid of this guy. Telling a man you want space is absolute catnip. You've made yourself desirable again. Dont fall back into it if it doesn't make you happy, you'll just end up one of those yo-yo non-couples who keep breaking up and getting back together.

I thought of that song too!

He's been distant and taken a step back recently, which yes he is completely within his rights to do if he felt things were going too fast as PP have said.

You at first reacted against this but he left it a bit too long and you've had chance to get your head round the prospect of being without him and you admitted to yourself where he falls short as your ideal partner. The text you prepared said it all.

It's up to you if you decide to cut him some slack, but what would be the wrong thing to do would be brush all the things aside in relief and ignore them now he wants back in. He hasnt been there when you needed support (which he could have given at a safe distance).

Only today, you've realised you will be fine on your own and you are perfectly capable of moving on. Keep that and use it to raise your bar and be true to what you really want and what is best for your DC.

In your last few posts you sound strong and kick ass and not the scared lady who created the post who was worried what other people think