I think I'm about to get dumped...help me maintain my dignity please.

[Gertrudeisgerman]

I had a thread last week or week before about my DP of a year back tracking about moving in. Had some good advice from here, thank you to all who posted I didn't bring it up until Sunday and he basically turned round and said he 'doesn't want the pressure'. Various other stuff has led me to the conclusion I'm about to get dumped (only spent 2 nights together in last 2 weeks, he needs time alone, a lot less frequent messages, not really giving a shit that me and the kids have had norovirus, saying my dc's are stressful etc).

So, how can I maintain my dignity when the inevitable happens? I have very low self esteem (I had a rough childhood and marriage) so I know this will knock me but I'm 37 with a responsible job and dcs who are losing a grandmother (ex MIL is in her final hours) so I REALLY need to keep my shit together.

Anyone got any experience of managing a break up so it doesn't turn into a shit storm? I'm trying to prepare a dignified message in reply as I have a feeling he will do it via text message. So far I've got 'Fuck you then, you 41 year old lazy man child. You need to think about why you still have your ex as your 'best friend' and have never managed to stick to anything.' But that isn't really hitting the dignified mark

you're seriously not going to dump his selfish stupid arse because of how your family might react? Plus, how is it better to be dumped by this twat, than to dump him!.

Just text him. 'this isn't working for me anymore, sorry. Let me know what you want to do about your stuff'' (if he has anything at yours).

He doesn't give a shit about you - you've had Noro virus, was he doing stuff to help. No. Did he even bother to see how you were. No.

He thinks your kids are 'stressful' - well, that's not going to change.

You've seen him 2 nights in 2 weeks.

Come on. You KNOW you deserve better than this. You'll find someone better than this if you want to.

Dump his stupid, selfish, still fucking the ex arse and prioritise your sanity & self esteem 💐

(Hug - because when life is shit, a random hug is GOOD)

Everyone who has been dumped (and that IS everyone) will sympathise, DO NOT worry about what other people say, none of their business, you are young, you have a good job, good for you, you could try a councellor for NLP or CBT to help with your low esteme, are you REALLY sure you still want to be with him. I wrote a list, pros and cons of the relationship, if the cons outweigh the cons time to say goodbye. You will find someone else more deserving.

"I have so much going on right now, I need some space. Hope you understand"

The ball is in your court OP. Do NOT let him dump you ... you'll feel like shit. Stay in control. And sorry to hear about your exMIL {flowers]

I've had CBT, EMDR, trauma therapy, treatment for PTSD and psychotherapy from Rape Crisis. I'm not sure I could take anymore therapy.

This sounds soooooo like my best friend (except we don't share a dog or live close by, so it's definitely not him!). I always feel so sorry for his girlfriends as he is terminally unable to commit and panicked by family life. This was why I left him, and to be honest he is a much better friend than partner/lover because he isn't constantly in a commitment panic. However he is a kind, good, funny, handsome man and he really does love his current girlfriend, who seems to understand him more than any of his previous girlfriends (interestingly, she broke up with him when he clearly didn't want to move in with her. But they got back together and forged some new expectations about what was important to them and what they could jettison; they don't live together, but he's made some important commitments to her).

Do you think that you could deal with a nonstandard relationship, e.g. having more space and perhaps not moving in together? Or would you miss those things? Is he worth the hassle and upset that you are going through? (If the answer is no, I think you know what you need to do...)

Another one saying dump him. You don't have to wait for him to do it and you don't need to report anything you don't want to reveal to interfering friends and family.

Hoik up your big girl pants and text him saying you don't think you and he are a good fit and wish him well. Then get on with living. It needn't be a shit storm if you are clear and direct and refuse to engage with any drama he tries to create. I think you will feel liberated if you can take this step.

You have so much on your plate right now. You need to make things as easy as possible for your own sake as well as your DCs. I would second the people saying get some kind of counselling or support.

You say yourself he's a lazy man child who has no time for your DC and doesn't give a crap about you being ill. What you really do NOT want is someone like that moving in - it would be awful. You're dodging a bullet by having this not happen.

I've recently separated from a lazy man child and OMG it's bliss not sharing domestic space with him. I know it may not feel great right now, but please grab your chance to avoid it (much nicer for your kids too).

I worried about what people would think when I left my ex, but they have all being lovely and very understanding. Honestly just sack him off.

Do the adult thing and talk to him. Don't text ... that's ridiculous after a year together.

Just say that the relationship seems to be running out of steam, you want to make a clean break, pack his things up into a bag and have it ready for him. It's not your job to fix him or worry about his ex or his next relationship.

You know how to be dignified about this op, but will you listen??

End it yourself and THEN block him, BUT!!!!!! .......also delete all messages from him so you don't have his number and delete him from your contacts xx

Op there is only one rule: toxic people are bad for your physical and mental health. Has he upset you? Does he make you feel bad? If so treat as you would do toxic waste: DUMP!

It is that simple. Stop over analysing. Give yourself a rest from all this crap please and look after yourself which means let only people in who are good to you from now on.

.

What STORMWHALE said.

Definitely get in there first...or your text could say

'What a relief. I have been trying to find a way to tell you for weeks that this isn't wortking for me!'

Great idea to ask him for a bit of space at the moment. No need to force the issue either way - I'm sure the right path will become clear if you're able to step back a little and get some perspective.

Good luck with everything else you have going on. x

DIY is the way to go.

I think you know it's not working and you know you're not happy so I would end it first. I think it'll make it easier for you to deal with and move on.

Do not worry about what people think as anyone who thinks it's good to be in a relationship for the sake of it is an idiot! It's only good to be in a relationship when it's healthy and makes you happy

He doesn't add anything to your life, he doesn't make you happy and there is probably someone out there who will. Get rid. If by some chance he gets in first, pretend to be really relieved and thank him for saying it first, because you've been trying to work out how to break up with him for aaaages!

This relationship has been troubled, he doesn't seem to make you happy and you aren't a priority to him.

It really is time to end it.

Worrying about what other people say or think is not a reason to stay with him. Being scared of another relationship failing is also not a reason to stay. Listen to his actions, they are telling you he doesn't want you.

Send him a firm, non emotional message ending it. Wishing him all the best for the future.

If he really loves you he'll do everything he can not to lose you, unfortunately though I think he'll just walk away.

'Fuck you then, you 41 year old lazy man child. You need to think about why you still have your ex as your 'best friend' and have never managed to stick to anything

You clearly know the relationship is over

Sorry - not really funny but you do sound pretty strong and sure of things to me. So why allow yourself to give a flying fuck what anybody else may think? And sod all the 'give me space' crap, just tell him this isn't working for you and you'd rather call it a day - thanks but no thanks.

If he wants to drag his head out of his arse, realise what he's losing and change himself to get you back, he will let you know.

OP you ask how can you maintain your dignity when he dumps you but it seems to me the problem is your dignity is already lacking or you'd have tossed his sorry ass to the kerb when he complained about your kids and ignored you in your time of need with norovirus. I know it's not your fault given what you've been through, of course I do. What I'm saying is though, it's probably not a good idea to be dating anyone while you're feeling so vulnerable. A relationship is supposed to add value and meaning to our lives, not risk tearing down an already wobbly edifice. Work on getting you back to full speed, you'll do it a damn sight faster without this manchild.

I agree with the others totally, get in there first and tell him it's not working for you. I guarantee you will feel a whole lot more dignified within seconds of sending that text. x

The stupid thing is, a year ago I wasn't vulnerable! I was doing my masters, had loads of friends, brilliant social life, having a great time dating a few different men I really had my shit together and had picked up the pieces after getting the shit beat out of me for 10 years with my exH. I swore I'd never live with a man again and I would certainly never let one walk all over me. I did the freedom project ffs.

But DP came along and totally love bombed me. Up until 3 weeks ago I thought I was the one who was scared of commitment, I said no to living with each other at 6 months after he asked.

But him withdrawing has turned me into this shaky mess. I think it's to do with my past experiences (I was raped by a member of my family when I was 11 and by someone I knew as an adult) any rejection and it sends me into a tailspin. I don't think I should be in a relationship with anyone. I don't think I'm cut out for them. I will end it and stick to my resolved to remain single. It will benefit me & my dc's.

Don't see this as dumping, he's trying to do a slow release where contact just declines and he doesn't have to talk about it. It is cruel to keep someone hanging on like this

Also agree that you deserve to not be hanging on waiting for him, so take back control and go in for the 'I need space' discussion

Good luck

Stormwhale has it. Get you someone you deserve

oh gosh a big red flag - the lovebombing was not a good sign. I would use one of the lovely messages pps have written above and walk away from this.

Gosh I get where you're coming from, I have been there

Just keep saying to yourself 'toxic people are bad for your physical and mental health'... actually you know it's not even about that person as a whole, perhaps it's more 'toxic relationships are bad for your physical and mental health.

You don't have to judge him as a person, as that way you get all those urges to forgive and accept in hope etc... judge the relationship, judge how his behaviour right now is making you feel. And it's bad right? The panick and fear of rejection, it's not what you should be feeling, so it needs to go... you deserve better, you deserve more, you need more for the sake of your own self.

Good luck

He's back with ex.

Dump his sorry ass.