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Original poster

Would you ever have your ILs/parents live with you?

56 replies

Lovelilies · 11/01/2017 12:46

DP and I have been through a rough time and are in negotiations about living together again. We have 2 DC together and I have an older DD.
Recently his parents have been ill, nothing life threatening. He has been up and down to London (500 mile trip) quite a lot to see them. I can live with this (just) but he wants them to come and live with us/him when they become older and more in need of help.
FWIW, the ILs and I have a 'civil' relationship. They hardly speak to me and speak only in their native tongue with DP even when I'm around. I'd gladly never see them again as I really don't care for them, but will grin and bear it for short periods for the sake of DP and DC.
I understand that in their culture parents are looked after, and if we had some sort of relationship I may consider it, but as it stands my priority is these DC and DP.
So, he thinks I'm cruel that I would 'see them in a home' but there is no way on this earth I ever want them living with us!
What's the solution here?!

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 11/01/2017 12:59

I'm sorry but I'd have to question the 'Timing of the Living together' negotiations... seems fat too convenient to want to live together again.... to then spring.. Oh my Parents need full time care.... you know this will never be a short term period of care.. they move in.. it's permanent...

You would be the main carer... you know this... you would be a round the clock carer in your own home with InLaws that barely respect you ..

the answer would be NO dear x

FrogTime · 11/01/2017 13:04

I agree with bonny, you'll definately end up the carer.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 11/01/2017 13:07

I would if mine needed it but I actually like the so it's an entirely different ball game. If he wants to do this then you will need to make it clear that he will have to sort out the cost implications and the ' caring for them' part and preferably move somewhere with an annexe for you to even consider it.

ElspethFlashman · 11/01/2017 13:12

If you want to be the main carer for two people who may live another 20 years then crack on.

Otherwise, no way!

PotteringAlong · 11/01/2017 13:13

No. not my PiL, not my own parents.

Original poster
Lovelilies · 11/01/2017 13:14

I absolutely DO NOT want to be their carer.
He says he will do it all. Yeah right. Apart from anything else, they will monopolise my kitchen and lounge with their rubbish TV.

OP posts:
ineedmorelemonpledge · 11/01/2017 13:15

I agree the timing is bloody fishy isn't it?

Can you turn this around? Why would they want to spend their final years living unhappily in an awkward situation with someone they can't stand? Grin

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 11/01/2017 13:15

We are organising our home and life in the expectation that at least one parent will end up living with us. We are all happy with the situation and have discussed it in depth many times. However your situation seems very different and in your shoes I'd probably query the timing of reconciliation tbh. Sorry.

Kidnapped · 11/01/2017 13:15

No.

For a couple of months at a time maybe (like recovering after an operation or something), but full-time no. Fortunately, DP and I are in complete agreement about that.

In their culture, is it the woman who does most of the caring of relatives?

Is he an only child?

Ginslinger · 11/01/2017 13:16

I have had my own parents and my mil to live in our home and the only way it worked was because we had a good relationship, there was respect going both ways and we had a large house. I didn't do any actual 'care' although cooked some of the time and organised laundry etc. Although I had a very good relationship with all of them I frequently found it difficult and had that good relationship not been there it would have been impossible. I wouldn't consider doing it in your situation

Original poster
Lovelilies · 11/01/2017 13:18

We were in negotiations before the MiL became ill, so I'm not suspicious of any under handedness.
PIL is having a hernia op this Friday and he's bringing them back here to convalesce. They will be staying with him, they've never even been to my house Grin
Will be interesting to see how he gets on with that. But in the meantime I'll be staying out with the DCs.

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 11/01/2017 13:18

Don't do it! Could you find them a sheltered flat nearby?

Kidnapped · 11/01/2017 13:19

You have two houses between you?

Oh, that's perfect. They can stay with him. Then he'll get first hand experience of caring for his parents.

Original poster
Lovelilies · 11/01/2017 13:21

I've never discussed it with them, the most they ever say to me is 'you want tea?'
And when I try and chat with them, I just get awkward smiles or one word answers.
DP hasn't actually asked them what they want to do, it's ridiculous. These things are not talked about in their culture and it is assumed that first born son will do everything for his parents.
I think if they had their way, we'd move to be with them (not in my lifetime).

OP posts:
Topseyt · 11/01/2017 13:28

I would beware of the very convenient timing too.

I doubt that your DP will step up to the plate long term no matter what he tries to say now. You will end up being the carer by default.

I have elderly parents who I love dearly and visit when I can. I do dread the care situation arising as we live several hours away and my family commitments are here, as is work. It scares me. Not least because we all know that we simply couldn't live together.

Aftertheraincomesthesun · 11/01/2017 13:31

Oh holy shit no.

alltouchedout · 11/01/2017 13:32

No. I mean, I've never met my MIL and my FIL is an alcoholic and my DH is nc with his mum and to the best of my knowledge also with his dad (we cannot discuss his dad any more, it leads to arguments), so them living with us isn't an option- but I'd say no regardless.
I wouldn't want my parents to live with us either. My DH would never agree to live with my mum in any case- he might be Ok with my dad. Neither of my parents has any intention of moving in with family at any point though.

Florin · 11/01/2017 13:32

You have your own houses so let them move in with him for a year. If you really want to get back together you can stay for weekends odd weeks at a time to see how it goes and make sure you are not expected to do any care. If it works build it up slowly and as soon as things are expected of you (remembering he will start small then build it up) then say no way I am back to my house. However it still would be a no from me, I couldn't deal with living with any other people full time apart from my dc and husband. I would go mad living with anyone else even if I really liked them and you don't seem to get on with your inlaws and it doesn't look like the relationship will get any better. It would also be a huge strain on your relationship with your husband even if you started off with a good relationship but you will have enough to work on just the two of you without adding in any stresses.

PuntCuffin · 11/01/2017 13:35

I would be very suspicious of the timing un your shoes.

When I got married, I already knew my MIL would be likely to end up living with us at some point, as she is disabled and DH made it clear this was what he wanted so I was going into it with eyes wide open, even if not entirely convinced. 'Fortunately' she had a fall while staying with us on one occasion and broke her hip. After 3 months of convalescence as she returned home, DH conceded that I was right, he couldn't live with her long term either.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2017 13:37

I think you need to sort out your relationship before you add 2 other people to it. How rough has the 'rough time' been?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2017 13:50

No, this has disaster from the start written all over it. You would become their carer by default (whilst your DP goes out to work). This is also another example of your DP not supporting you because he does not at heart care about you. Its about what he wants and is symptomatic of other problems in your relationship anyway.

incogKNEEto · 11/01/2017 13:54

No. I would consider my DDad living here and think DH would be ok with that but don't think my DDad would! PIL or M, no, no way, not ever.

Kidnapped · 11/01/2017 13:55

When his parents are at his house, you can always drop the children there for the weekend occasionally. And then go shopping or go to the gym on your own.

That will give him an idea of the amount of care that he is expecting you to do on a full-time basis, presumably when his parents are less able than they are now.

And the tradition and culture thing doesn't wash with me either. He is not married to the mother of his children and doesn't live with them. Presumably that's frowned upon in his culture? And yet he does it anyway? He can't just pick those bits of the culture that he wants and then delegate the day to day responsibility of caring onto you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/01/2017 14:01

Lovelilies,

re your comment:-
"They hardly speak to me and speak only in their native tongue with DP even when I'm around. I'd gladly never see them again as I really don't care for them, but will grin and bear it for short periods for the sake of DP and DC"

And your DP still expects for them to be in your house ?. What planet is he on?

That last part of your sentence has also been an error on your part as well; you should never have grinned and borne it at all. I also don't buy the culture comments either; he is picking and choosing which culture aspects suit him best.

BonnyScotland · 11/01/2017 14:21

Tread very carefully.... even having them in your home to recuperate... you will never get them to leave.....

do Not go down this path x

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