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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you ever have your ILs/parents live with you?

56 replies

Lovelilies · 11/01/2017 12:46

DP and I have been through a rough time and are in negotiations about living together again. We have 2 DC together and I have an older DD.
Recently his parents have been ill, nothing life threatening. He has been up and down to London (500 mile trip) quite a lot to see them. I can live with this (just) but he wants them to come and live with us/him when they become older and more in need of help.
FWIW, the ILs and I have a 'civil' relationship. They hardly speak to me and speak only in their native tongue with DP even when I'm around. I'd gladly never see them again as I really don't care for them, but will grin and bear it for short periods for the sake of DP and DC.
I understand that in their culture parents are looked after, and if we had some sort of relationship I may consider it, but as it stands my priority is these DC and DP.
So, he thinks I'm cruel that I would 'see them in a home' but there is no way on this earth I ever want them living with us!
What's the solution here?!

OP posts:

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PhilomenaCatLover · 11/01/2017 14:32

We have planned our life assuming we will probably have one or both sets of parents living with us and we'll assume caring responsibilities for them. As it is my MIL lives with us for a few months each year. But, we both discussed this well before getting married and are both fine with it + we manage the language issue (I learnt MILs even though she speaks perfect English too, and my family only speak English around DH).

In your situation I'd say it's a recipe for resentment and chaos!! And yes, as the female partner it sounds like you might have to do the bulk of the caring. I wouldn't sign up for that!

Lovelilies · 11/01/2017 15:26

I'm glad you all think the same as me!
I'll be staying in my house and watch and wait wrt how he copes!

OP posts:

BonnyScotland · 11/01/2017 20:58

Good girl xx

fc301 · 11/01/2017 23:27

Would I ? Noooo, god no, hell no, noooo.
Agree in haste ... repent at leisure.

2rebecca · 11/01/2017 23:33

Agree there is no rush to move in together. If your relationship has had a rocky time then living with his parents as well will kill it as they will always side with him in arguments and it will feel 3 against 1. You have to have a very strong relationship to come with other adults living with you either adult children or parents. You have to stick together.
I don't see what the rush to move in together is and it may be that even long term separate houses is better for your relationship if he wants to live with his parents.
You will get drawn in to little wifew and dutiful DIL roles if you move in. Most men dump the caring and housework crap as soon as they can if they are able to.

2rebecca · 11/01/2017 23:33

"to cope with" not "to come with"

uhoh2016 · 12/01/2017 05:12

Never in a million years would I have IL living with me but by the same token I wouldn't have my parents living with me either

redexpat · 12/01/2017 09:00

In my case, yes.
In your case, hell no.

ExplodedCloud · 12/01/2017 09:11

No. Not ILs. Not my parents. I have discussed this with my parents and we're all in agreement. Doubt DH has discussed it with MIL.
I'd happily have them in the same street though.
In your case, no way. Don't get dragged into even helping them in his home.

expatinscotland · 12/01/2017 09:21

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! He wants them living with him, they can live with him and you keep your house and he doesn't move in. There's a reason(s) why you split and are no longer living together.

2rebecca · 12/01/2017 09:31

How old are they? If you've just had 2 kids together I'm assuming they aren't a frail elderly couple in their 80s. If they are young retired in their 60s or early 70s then they should be capable on being independent for a good few years yet and it's better for old people's mental and physical health to keep doing stuff for themselves for as long as they can. Sitting on a sofa having everything done for them is killing them with kindness.
A near by sheltered housing complex may be better for everyone.

LisaMed1 · 12/01/2017 12:52

Don't do it.

I got on well with my late father. DH and father got on amazingly well. Having my father live with us for a few years before he died made a massive positive influence on our lives as all the personalities worked together, everyone had a lot of tolerance and it meant ds had some time with his one remaining grandparent.

It was still tough at times. There were moments when I could have screamed and shouted and smashed things (didn't, but it was a close call). It was a test - and that was when we all got on

I would suggest them moving to sheltered housing nearby rather than in with you. Be aware, if you get back together, you will be doing all the running round and I can't tell you how draining that can be. Appointments, phone calls, groceries, medicines, more phone calls, hospital visits, more appointments - it is a tough gig. And as the female it will be down to you.

Cricrichan · 12/01/2017 12:55

I would my parents and if mil wasn't a narcissist then yes.

Some people I know have bought houses with an annex or had one built. That sounds like a good compromise to me

ImperialBlether · 12/01/2017 12:57

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted me to do that. He's had children with you without being married. You're now living apart. Then he decides not only should you have him back, but his parents, who have barely been civil to you? No bloody way.

Maybe they should live with him and you should continue living apart.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 12/01/2017 13:34

Nope.

Live close by - yes. In fact we tried to convince my parents to move closer to us some years ago. They dithered so much that they ended up staying put, only to find - surprise surprise - that they need help now and there is nobody on hand to give it. Too late for them to move now (different country and there are care entitlement implications which would negatively affect them).

However there is a world of difference to visiting every day for a couple of hours and having your own home to retreat to, as opposed to having them in your home 24/7. The only set-ups where I know this works is where the property is big enough to have a 'granny annexe'. No matter how well you get on, people need their own space.

It will be interesting to see how your H gets on by himself over the next few weeks. And FWIW I would point out to him that phrases like 'you would see them in a home' are nothing more than emotional blackmail. So he should think long and hard about his motives for pressuring you like this, because if you do end up living together again and they do move in with you, then you are going to be the one doing all the care. Absolutely nailed on that you will.

Lovelilies · 14/01/2017 22:19

Well it's all blown up now
I've said 'no way' to having them live with 'us' and that I feel like he puts them first all the time.
He goes on about it's because we don't live together bla bla, if that's how you feel lovelilies, we may as well call it a day, he says how his parents are now referring to me as 'their DIL' and all nice things, they're trying to be more chatty etc.
I just feel like it's too little/too late, and not really genuine. And I just don't bloody like them!
I wanted a normal family. Me and DP and the kids, with the GPs on the periphery. He says it's like that, but in practice he's running around after them all the time!
My head is a mess, sorry for the rambling... I know I can do this on my own, but it's also scary.

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2rebecca · 14/01/2017 22:27

If he only wants to be with you if you do what he wants you are better off without him. He isn't putting you first and looking at compromise options for his parents like near by sheltered housing. He has had years to marry you if he was that bothered

PickAChew · 14/01/2017 22:31

Love them to bits, but hell no. At most, I'd find somewhere to rent at close quarters.

And in your situation, double no. You just appear to have been labelled with the job title of convenient serf.

Lovelilies · 14/01/2017 22:33

He's very good at saying what I want to hear but doing the opposite!
He wants us to marry this year. I wanted us to marry 4,3,2 years ago! He now says he has considered sheltered housing for them... but I doubt he's even talked to them about it!
He just won't listen to my feelings without going off in a strop, I really CBA with it, it gets me down.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 14/01/2017 22:35

No, but then DH wouldn't have his parents living in the same county as us let alone with us

PickAChew · 14/01/2017 22:36

Keep that foot down!

Lovelilies · 14/01/2017 22:37

I really need to stop living in Fantasy Land and realise that it's not going to work. But stupidly I worry about so much!
I worry the DC (little ones) will hate me for them not having a proper family
That I'll be poor forever
That I can't cope
That he will parent them in a different way to how I do, just to spite me
That I'll be alone forever (who wants a late 30s woman with 3 kids by 2 dads?)

OP posts:

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Applesauce29 · 14/01/2017 22:43

No, it will only lead to more resentment and arguments down the line. I couldn't live with my mother, let alone my MIL, and would not want to resign myself to the role of carer forever to people to don't even like and who never respected me.

Sheltered accommodation / a rented place nearby sounds like the best option. He should be putting your feelings and concerns first if he really wants a life long relationship and partnership with you.

Applesauce29 · 14/01/2017 22:45

I'd rather be alone with 3 kids, at least then you know they'll eventually grow up and you'll be able to get a job school hours, then full time and have your own life, not tied to the home 24/7 caring for his elderly parents who don't even like you!

GreenRut · 14/01/2017 22:49

In your situation I wouldn't do it op. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would have my dm live with me but we're very close and i told dh I think on date 2 that that was what I intended to do if and when it was necessary. I don't actually think my mum would want to live with us but I want her to have the option and know it's there.

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