Would you ever have your ILs/parents live with you?

[Lovelilies]

DP and I have been through a rough time and are in negotiations about living together again. We have 2 DC together and I have an older DD.
Recently his parents have been ill, nothing life threatening. He has been up and down to London (500 mile trip) quite a lot to see them. I can live with this (just) but he wants them to come and live with us/him when they become older and more in need of help.
FWIW, the ILs and I have a 'civil' relationship. They hardly speak to me and speak only in their native tongue with DP even when I'm around. I'd gladly never see them again as I really don't care for them, but will grin and bear it for short periods for the sake of DP and DC.
I understand that in their culture parents are looked after, and if we had some sort of relationship I may consider it, but as it stands my priority is these DC and DP.
So, he thinks I'm cruel that I would 'see them in a home' but there is no way on this earth I ever want them living with us!
What's the solution here?!

[ForalltheSaints]

No, and they would never consider it.

[MrDacresEUSubsidy]

He goes on about it's because we don't live together bla bla, if that's how you feel lovelilies, we may as well call it a day, he says how his parents are now referring to me as 'their DIL' and all nice things, they're trying to be more chatty etc

Just bin him, he sounds incredibly manipulative. What he wants is to move back in with you and then have you running round after his parents as well. Marriage is a promise and a commitment - not a carrot on a stick. Yet it's amazing how the prospect of marriage suddenly gets thrown about when men like this sense that you are having second thoughts and thinking about pulling away from them.

Call his bluff - really, do. One of two things will be the outcome:

• He backtracks incredibly fucking fast because the prospect of not being able to move back in with you AND looking after his parents won't appeal. In which case no parents, but you will need to have a long and hard think about what this relationship is really giving you.
  
• Or he'll say 'OK, let's split up', in which case you have had a lucky escape from an emotional blackmailing twat.
  

Either way you'll be happier long term than you are now, where you are being pressured and he is trying to manipulate you and push you into agreeing something that is not in yours - or your DCs - best interests.

[Ohdearducks]

No, no, no. That goes for any of our relations though not just PIL.

[annandale]

Next street, in a heartbeat, in fact I wish they would.

Same street, I'd think twice. I don't want to walk past their windows and get knocked at when I need to get into town/a bit of peace.

Same house, never, ever.

[Lovelilies]

Thank you all, the support from random people on the internet really does help me... especially at night, when I have no one IRL to talk to

[GreenRut]

In your situation I wouldn't do it op. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would have my dm live with me but we're very close and i told dh I think on date 2 that that was what I intended to do if and when it was necessary. I don't actually think my mum would want to live with us but I want her to have the option and know it's there.

[Applesauce29]

I'd rather be alone with 3 kids, at least then you know they'll eventually grow up and you'll be able to get a job school hours, then full time and have your own life, not tied to the home 24/7 caring for his elderly parents who don't even like you!

[Applesauce29]

No, it will only lead to more resentment and arguments down the line. I couldn't live with my mother, let alone my MIL, and would not want to resign myself to the role of carer forever to people to don't even like and who never respected me.

Sheltered accommodation / a rented place nearby sounds like the best option. He should be putting your feelings and concerns first if he really wants a life long relationship and partnership with you.

[Lovelilies]

I really need to stop living in Fantasy Land and realise that it's not going to work. But stupidly I worry about so much!
I worry the DC (little ones) will hate me for them not having a proper family
That I'll be poor forever
That I can't cope
That he will parent them in a different way to how I do, just to spite me
That I'll be alone forever (who wants a late 30s woman with 3 kids by 2 dads?)

[PickAChew]

Keep that foot down!

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

No, but then DH wouldn't have his parents living in the same county as us let alone with us

[Lovelilies]

He's very good at saying what I want to hear but doing the opposite!
He wants us to marry this year. I wanted us to marry 4,3,2 years ago! He now says he has considered sheltered housing for them... but I doubt he's even talked to them about it!
He just won't listen to my feelings without going off in a strop, I really CBA with it, it gets me down.

[PickAChew]

Love them to bits, but hell no. At most, I'd find somewhere to rent at close quarters.

And in your situation, double no. You just appear to have been labelled with the job title of convenient serf.

[2rebecca]

If he only wants to be with you if you do what he wants you are better off without him. He isn't putting you first and looking at compromise options for his parents like near by sheltered housing. He has had years to marry you if he was that bothered

[Lovelilies]

Well it's all blown up now
I've said 'no way' to having them live with 'us' and that I feel like he puts them first all the time.
He goes on about it's because we don't live together bla bla, if that's how you feel lovelilies, we may as well call it a day, he says how his parents are now referring to me as 'their DIL' and all nice things, they're trying to be more chatty etc.
I just feel like it's too little/too late, and not really genuine. And I just don't bloody like them!
I wanted a normal family. Me and DP and the kids, with the GPs on the periphery. He says it's like that, but in practice he's running around after them all the time!
My head is a mess, sorry for the rambling... I know I can do this on my own, but it's also scary.

[MrDacresEUSubsidy]

Nope.

Live close by - yes. In fact we tried to convince my parents to move closer to us some years ago. They dithered so much that they ended up staying put, only to find - surprise surprise - that they need help now and there is nobody on hand to give it. Too late for them to move now (different country and there are care entitlement implications which would negatively affect them).

However there is a world of difference to visiting every day for a couple of hours and having your own home to retreat to, as opposed to having them in your home 24/7. The only set-ups where I know this works is where the property is big enough to have a 'granny annexe'. No matter how well you get on, people need their own space.

It will be interesting to see how your H gets on by himself over the next few weeks. And FWIW I would point out to him that phrases like 'you would see them in a home' are nothing more than emotional blackmail. So he should think long and hard about his motives for pressuring you like this, because if you do end up living together again and they do move in with you, then you are going to be the one doing all the care. Absolutely nailed on that you will.

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted me to do that. He's had children with you without being married. You're now living apart. Then he decides not only should you have him back, but his parents, who have barely been civil to you? No bloody way.

Maybe they should live with him and you should continue living apart.

[Cricrichan]

I would my parents and if mil wasn't a narcissist then yes.

Some people I know have bought houses with an annex or had one built. That sounds like a good compromise to me

[LisaMed1]

Don't do it.

I got on well with my late father. DH and father got on amazingly well. Having my father live with us for a few years before he died made a massive positive influence on our lives as all the personalities worked together, everyone had a lot of tolerance and it meant ds had some time with his one remaining grandparent.

It was still tough at times. There were moments when I could have screamed and shouted and smashed things (didn't, but it was a close call). It was a test - and that was when we all got on

I would suggest them moving to sheltered housing nearby rather than in with you. Be aware, if you get back together, you will be doing all the running round and I can't tell you how draining that can be. Appointments, phone calls, groceries, medicines, more phone calls, hospital visits, more appointments - it is a tough gig. And as the female it will be down to you.

[2rebecca]

How old are they? If you've just had 2 kids together I'm assuming they aren't a frail elderly couple in their 80s. If they are young retired in their 60s or early 70s then they should be capable on being independent for a good few years yet and it's better for old people's mental and physical health to keep doing stuff for themselves for as long as they can. Sitting on a sofa having everything done for them is killing them with kindness.
A near by sheltered housing complex may be better for everyone.

[expatinscotland]

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! He wants them living with him, they can live with him and you keep your house and he doesn't move in. There's a reason(s) why you split and are no longer living together.

[ExplodedCloud]

No. Not ILs. Not my parents. I have discussed this with my parents and we're all in agreement. Doubt DH has discussed it with MIL.
I'd happily have them in the same street though.
In your case, no way. Don't get dragged into even helping them in his home.

[redexpat]

In my case, yes.
In your case, hell no.

[uhoh2016]

Never in a million years would I have IL living with me but by the same token I wouldn't have my parents living with me either