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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever stop being angry

96 replies

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 19:02

I am absolutely convinced my h (not calling him dh) had an affair last year. Absolutely convinced.
I confronted him earlier in the year when all the pieces of the jigsaw slotted together. All I ever get from him is 'I can't explain that, I can't explain that'
He denies denies denies and I know he will take this with him to the grave. I just wish I had realised at the time of said affair as I would have caught him in the act.
He works away during the week and I spend the weekends going from being glad he's here, to being angry, to being upset, to JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Arghhhhh!
We have been married for 10 years and have 2 dd (10, 7)

I was wondering if anyone out there had split with their h on red flags and a strong gut feeling, but no absolute proof.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 19:05

You are not obliged to be with him & are free to walk away from a relationship at any stage, should you so desire.
Gut instincts are normally always right.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 19:09

Thanks Naze, I think I have been waiting, hoping for him to hold up his hands, admit what he's done and say sorry.
I need to accept it's not going to happen.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 19:10

Is this how you want to live ?

it sounds fucking miserable. You know he has something to hide. Just because you don't know exactly the extent of it makes no difference whatsover

You are falling into line, that is for sure.

he keeps his moth shut and life is sweet...for him

walk away...this will not get better even if you try your damndest to train your brain into thinking it's had a lobectomy

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 19:16

God you are right anyfucker, that's exactly him! Keeping his mouth shut thinking he's got away with it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 19:19

Well, he has got away with it

So his tactic was successful

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 19:22

he is quite content to see you so wrongfooted, so upset, so out of kilter, so mistrustful of your own actions never mind his

are these the actions of someone who is supposed to love you ? To prefer the option that makes you feel like absolute shit just to save his own skin ? To stay the Good Guy. To make you feel like the crazy one...the one in the wrong

I say, no

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 19:30

I say no too.
He tells me, his family and our close friends that it's all in my head and I'm paranoid.
I'm not having it anymore.
I just have to stay strong and see it through.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 19:57

Even if it is all in your head (which I doubt)...who put it there ? Whose behaviour has led you to these conclusions ?

It's not ok to treat people like this then insist they take the blame. It is abusive. No more, no less.

Happybunny19 · 31/10/2016 20:04

Without meaning to cause offence, could he actually be telling you the truth? What has you so convinced?

There is a clear lack of trust in your relationship, so I'm guessing all is not well in many areas of your marriage. Do you still want to be with him ?

Hassled · 31/10/2016 20:09

The reality is that even if he's right and you're wrong, even if he's completely innocent of any wrongdoing and you're just paranoid, the fact that youhave these doubts and are so angry about it all doesn't bode well for a happy future together. Someone like a Relate counsellor (you can see them on your own) might be useful for you in terms of working out what you want to do.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 20:12

What has me so convinced?
There have been many things that point towards suspicion that he can't/won't explain. So many I had to start writing them down.
I can't specify as this will out me.

One minute I want to be with him and then the next I don't and so it continues.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 20:14

What is it you are "seeing through" love ?

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 20:19

The actual splitting up anyfucker.

It's been on the cards for several months but we have been incapable of sitting down and talking to each other without it resulting in WW3!
He just goes off back to work on a Sunday in a huff and I'm left sitting at home in a huff and then it all starts again when he's back on a Friday.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 20:20

So what needs to happen to break this horrendous status quo ?

hermione2016 · 31/10/2016 20:22

I guess he is relying on you dropping this, working on the basis you might never prove it so denial is an effective strategy for him.I bet he fears the consequences and hopes he can wear you down.

The impact to you however is feeling like you are going crazy and not having a peaceful mind.

You have a clear choice, accept he had lied and you need to forgive him or decide his actions are not what you want in a husband.

Take some time to think it through.If you give him an ultimatum then be prepared to follow through.

I feel for you as my stbxh uses denial and blaming as a way of not taking responsibility and it's so destructive.I am leaving as I believe we can fix issues if there is honesty but without truth it feels I'm being totally disrespected.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 20:27

How do 2 people move forward from this? One convinced of an affair and the other denying it till he's blue in the face?!

OP posts:

Coconutty · 31/10/2016 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Simonneilsbeard · 31/10/2016 20:31

I lived like this for about 2 years. Knowing there was an affair, being told certain things by people, noticing red flags but I never had 'proof'. He denied and denied but admitted lesser things to throw me off the actual..i still don't know the full extent of what happened so I look back on that part of my life and it was just a huge lie! It ate me up while I was with my ex, I tortured myself and I constantly brought it up during arguments. Couldn't get over not knowing the truth . The best thing I did for me was end it.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 20:34

Yes Hermione, thank you for your words. I keep asking myself over and over again, Why can't he just take responsibility for what he's done. Driving myself crazy with it all

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/10/2016 20:35

Whether he did or didn't, you clearly don't trust him and his behaviour/attitude isn't changing to make you believe his is now trustworthy so why keep on going?

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 20:45

No I don't trust him now, not one bit, and I know we can't carry on like this.
Life can be so shit at times!

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 31/10/2016 20:56

I'm so sorry - living with this distrust is awful.

You can make a decision though - living with this distrust or walking away completely. If he wanted to give you peace of mind he could do but he chooses not to - either because he wants you to live with the distress or because he has something to hide.

Is there any chance that he is inflaming the arguments so that he feels less guilty in having an affair - the "you drove me away" route?

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 21:11

I think he's just keeping his mouth shut in the hope it will all go away!
If the marriage ends he will definitely take no responsibility and I'll be the 'crazy' wife accusing her 'lovely' h of having an affair.
It'll have to be me that ends it because he certainly won't.

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 31/10/2016 21:17

He's not being very lovely in allowing you to think yourself crazy though is he?

And does it matter what others think? They are not living your life, but you are. Those that matter won't mind and that that mind don't matter.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2016 22:43

You cannot live your life for fear of what other people think

Fuck that shit

The people that truly love you will support you

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