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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever stop being angry

96 replies

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 19:02

I am absolutely convinced my h (not calling him dh) had an affair last year. Absolutely convinced.
I confronted him earlier in the year when all the pieces of the jigsaw slotted together. All I ever get from him is 'I can't explain that, I can't explain that'
He denies denies denies and I know he will take this with him to the grave. I just wish I had realised at the time of said affair as I would have caught him in the act.
He works away during the week and I spend the weekends going from being glad he's here, to being angry, to being upset, to JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Arghhhhh!
We have been married for 10 years and have 2 dd (10, 7)

I was wondering if anyone out there had split with their h on red flags and a strong gut feeling, but no absolute proof.

OP posts:

DiegeticMuch · 01/11/2016 09:15

I'm not as great a believer as some Mumsnetters in "gut instinct", having been on the receiving end of it from an ex who "just knew" that I'd cheated, when I really hadn't.

However, his refusal to cooperate with you is worrying. An innocent person would be making every effort to reassure you. A guilty (but contrite) person would spill the beans, and then aim to work things out with you. His behaviour is poor, very disrespectful.

FerretFred · 01/11/2016 09:24

Silly questions. Do you honestly love him? Do you want to be with him? Do you look forward to Monday on dread Friday?

Whether he had an affair or not is irrelevant and course of action obvious if you answer no, no and yes.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 09:45

I don't know how I feel anymore, I just feel numb. I just want peace in my life.

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FerretFred · 01/11/2016 09:51

Then I think you have to look at the realities. It's not a court of law where you have to prove it be beyond reasonable doubt or even on the balance of probability.

Whatever happens you'll always be suspicious. It depends if you want that to be a constant in your relationship.

By the way. I do think you know how you feel.....

HuskyLover1 · 01/11/2016 09:59

What makes you think he had an affair? I would follow up on that and dig in that direction.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 09:59

Do you know what I find hard to accept ferret? That if we split, it is highly probable he'll hook up with her again and the thought of that kills me.

OP posts:

FerretFred · 01/11/2016 10:06

It's difficult for me to discuss this in an open way on a public board but I've been through and am going through something similar.

Do you know the other woman? Surely your own peace of mind is better than worrying about her whether she has one up on you?

MsHaveNaiceHam · 01/11/2016 10:11

If you split, she gets the prize of a cheating, lying clown.

If you split, he gets to continue being a cheating, lying clown, who lost his wife.

I do understand how difficult it is to let go of the man you thought he was; that is the person you are trying to fight for.

You get room to process what's real, grieve for the past and build something better.

HandbagCrazy · 01/11/2016 10:16

AF has is spot on as usual.

Staying with him purely to keep him away from OW is a waste of your time OP. You deserve to be happy and the only way to get any peace is to either accept your H cheated and isn't going to admit it, accept that this is who he is and make peace with it, or leave.

I would leave, personally.

Think of it this way, if your H was very upset, distressed and anxious about something you did, wouldn't you confront the issue, talk him through his worries and want him to be ok? Because that's what a normal, loving, innocent person would. I can't imagine you'd be happy to watch him suffer when you could so easily set his mind at ease, so not only is he a cheat, he's cruel.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 10:19

I know who the other woman is, not to talk to but I've seen her around.
I know it sounds childish but it's the thought of them together, having a nice time together.......
He has destroyed this little family and he gets to go off and does as he pleases.
I know it's something I need to get over and I'm sure I will in time, but for now I'm so

OP posts:

faffalotty · 01/11/2016 10:26

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I carried on like this for many years and it affected my health badly. I've had the denials in the face of irrefutable evidence and felt like I'm losing my mind.

What were the red flags?

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 10:27

I do believe there is NC now but they'll be sniffing round each other once I'm out of the way.
You're right handbag, I've been keeping us together to keep him away from her.
I'm such a fool.

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FerretFred · 01/11/2016 10:28

So the answer is in your post. He has destroyed this little family....

OurBlanche · 01/11/2016 10:29

So.. you have decided it is over. You know he had an affiar, you know who with.

He is saying nothing... keepng his fingers crossed and you in line!

You havea simple solution: you simply take loud and proud ownership of the resolution: say, to yourself and anyone else you want to that he had an affair and you are ending your marriage because of his infidelity and lies

Give no more explanation that that, to anyone,ever! It happened, it killed your marriage. That's it!

He can tell people what he wants, he can play the martyr if it pleases him to.

But if you are implacable and 100% certain when you say "He had an affair so I ended the marriage" there is very little room there for him to wriggle doubts into.

If, as you suspect, he will hook up with her then he will have given you your vindication! Tough!

Just start saying it out loud, on repeat:

"He had an affair, so I ended the marriage"

mammagheddon · 01/11/2016 10:31

I think you need to turn it round in your head. By leaving him you are taking back control of your life, if he goes to her she will have gained a tried and tested liar and cheat and apparently these things never last anyway. You will move on, new and more worthwhile people will recognise your worth. Most significantly, you will recognise your worth. In time, you will be happy, perhaps happier than you could ever have imagined and most certainly happier than now.

Have you tried telling him you have now found your proof and are divorcing him, then not saying another word? It's a game, I know, but the need for closure is a very understandable one.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 10:32

So many red flags faff that I had to start writing them down as I started to forget things.
All things that he just says 'I can't explain that, I can't explain that'
I don't want to specify as this will out me.

OP posts:

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 10:39

Thank you to everyone for your words. I have been torturing myself for months, and it really helps reading your posts.

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ravenmum · 01/11/2016 10:45

I had this for 10 months. In the end I couldn't live with it any more and asked him to leave. (Actually I would have left but he guilted me out of it, saying it was better for the kids to stay in their home.) He said he'd leave five months later and continued rubbing my nose in his by now very obvious affair. I managed to read his emails and it was worse than I'd thought. He left within a couple of weeks.

Looking back it was even more obvious than I thought at the time. He simply spent so much time away from home supposedly doing stuff he never did before. And he never really denied it, not directly. I said I thought he was having an affair and he said things about how I "knew what was really going on" (i.e. that he was sad about a family death), how I "didn't know anything", or just turning it around and saying that I was treating him badly. But he never said "I'm not having an affair".

Is yours directly denying it to your face or replying to your question with another question or accusation?

ravenmum · 01/11/2016 10:50

OW was cheating on her husband too, but he found out before I did. Now the two of them have been together 3 years including the affair. These things certainly can last; for all I know they are as happy as pie. But the more time passes the more I realise what a shit he was to me (even before the affair(s)) and the more I wonder why I put up with it.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 10:54

Completely denying it to my face, blaming stresses of work for being miserable and distant at home.
If I ask him a question about something that's happened (red flag) he'll just say he can't explain it!
There is no doubt in my mind he had an affair and I've just been holding on hoping he'll hold his hands up and come clean.

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ravenmum · 01/11/2016 11:03

This "I can't explain it" thing does sound similar to my ex's tactic, though - just a hollow phrase that he can bring out every time to shut you up, rather than any attempt at real discussion. Ask him what he means: has he forgotten what happened? Was he drunk? Why can't he explain it?

The closest I came to even getting my ex to admit that he was thinking about breaking up with me was when I managed to ask him factually, in a fairly friendly way. Maybe try asking him a slightly less volatile question - not "did you have an affair" but "would you like to break up" or "are you happy in this relationship" - do you think you could keep your anger down long enough to discuss it coolly? Or does he always ramp it up again?

OurBlanche · 01/11/2016 11:09

Yes, "I can't explain" seems to be much the same as "It is beyond my control" - much as I love the film/play, I always found that the cruellest part of all!

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 11:13

He wants the marriage to work Raven, he said if I want it to work I need to change my mindset! Wft!
He wants me to stop accusing him, asking questions etc but I can't! I can't let it go because I know him and I know what he's done.

OP posts:

faffalotty · 01/11/2016 11:15

I've had 'I can't explain it' 'I don't understand' 'I can't remember'
Then followed by 'I really can't take much more of this' (My questioning)

Do you think there is a forum they all belong to where they give each other advice on what to say?!

I think the only solution is an ultimatum - either he explains or he leaves.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 11:25

Meant wtf

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