Will I ever stop being angry

[heartonsleeve22]

I am absolutely convinced my h (not calling him dh) had an affair last year. Absolutely convinced.
I confronted him earlier in the year when all the pieces of the jigsaw slotted together. All I ever get from him is 'I can't explain that, I can't explain that'
He denies denies denies and I know he will take this with him to the grave. I just wish I had realised at the time of said affair as I would have caught him in the act.
He works away during the week and I spend the weekends going from being glad he's here, to being angry, to being upset, to JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Arghhhhh!
We have been married for 10 years and have 2 dd (10, 7)

I was wondering if anyone out there had split with their h on red flags and a strong gut feeling, but no absolute proof.

And my gut feeling is screaming at me!!

You are so right blanche....meh!!

I knew my ex was having an affair before it came out. He denied it like all cheaters do and I spent lots of energy trying to work through alternate scenarios like gambling and drugs.
Living in limbo like that was far worse than the actual day that I had proof. I was physically sick and unable to eat, constant headaches and felt dread. The day I had conclusive proof I was furious and distraught but the pain at living in limbo (knowing but not knowing) outweighed the shock that he'd actually cheated and left. I consider myself intelligent and emotionally tough so the idea that somebody else could reduce me to a paranoid mess was devastating. He had me begging him to talk to me so I could fix myself and in order to keep the affair going, he had the audacity to give me a list of things that I did that turned him off including my insistence that there was something seriously wrong between us.

I think that you will be angry until you have proof one way or another and that the anger will be proportional to how long you're in limbo. If I hadn't found proof I think I would have ended up in a psychiatric hospital or being arrested by the police. I was going mad and living like a zombie on autopilot which was hell and so fucking cruel. I can't think of worse psychological torture than that and he could have saved my self esteem if he'd been man enough to tell the truth and not gaslight me.

They've been together before whilst you're married to him, so what's stopping them now? You didn't stop them having an affair before. I really feel for you op, your h sounds horrid especially not telling you the truth. I couldn't stay in a relationship like this.

Is your husband treating you lovingly? Do you respect him?

If the OW and him go off together, more fool them..the grass won't be greener and she will always know his first choice was to stay with you although through lying and manipulating.

Why does he lie? The consequences are too high, especially if he cultivates his nice guy image and he doesn't have enough compassion for you.
I would find it really hard to watch a partner I love stress over suspicions, I hope I would be able to be brave enough to be truthful.

Look at this the other way round.

Let's say I could give you proof he hadn't cheated.

Would that make you happy? Would you trust him? Would you want to re-build your relationship?

From your posts I doubt it. Regardless of whether he cheated or not, how he has responded to your questions suggests a huge last of respect and love.

So really the issue of proof is irrelevant in any decision you make.

Equally staying with him so he doesn't go to her - why do that to yourself? You hurt yourself while gaining nothing.

Because I don't want him to be happy eatshit.
After doing this, why does he get to go off and be happy, leaving total destruction behind.
I know I shouldn't feel like this and after separating it's up to him what he does, but I guess that's the bitterness in me...

Yes, but you only get one life.

If you genuinely believe that using that precious time for vengeance on him for being a dick, whilst subjecting yourself to a lifetime of dickish behaviour then crack on...

And anyway, he won't be happy

He will just repeat the cycle with her...

heart if you have to micromanage someone and shackle them to your side from fear of what they might do if let off the leash then that is not sustainable. That is not a relationship, it is a prison for both of you

What must it be doing to your self esteem to know that given the chance, he would go back to her? If all it takes is for you to call time for him to hook back up her, than what you have is ashes and means nothing at all.

and I hope you realise that when you inevitably have to allow him his freedom (because knowing his every single move cannot possibly continue for ever) his deceit will resurface if not with her then with someone else

because he knows you know and he knows if he just keeps schtum it will be business as usual for him before too long

Yes I've thought that mother, that he'll repeat the cycle with her. He can't help himself.
I know the best thing to do is to get rid. She can have him!

I know AF, the last 6 months have just been ridiculous.
My self esteem has never been so low, my confidence too. Questioning my mental health as well.
Probably all the classics of living with a cheat.

Old proverb, origin unclear:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

You are taking the poison, love. He is not suffering, you are.

yy AF, I was thinking of that proverb earlier. It's so bloody true.

Let's take it back to basics.

Do you really still want this man? This cheat. This cruel deceiver who is content to see you suffer.

Or do you just want to punish him ? To prevent him moving on with another woman ?

That is fucked up. That is pretty much acknowledging that you have no worth at all, other than a role as millstone round his neck.

he doesn't want you. He wouldn't be so cruel to you if he really wanted you ...he would tell you the truth and face the consequences like a man if he did.

What he wants is his cosy homelife just as it was before. An unquestioning wife/housekeeper and sexual excitement elsewhere.

Thank you AF thank you.
Your posts are just what I needed.

Thank you to everyone.
As Jimmy Cliff sang 'I can see clearly now.....'

Have you said to him that either he comes totally clean or you're separating?

You can't go on like this.
And you can't go on like this because if you split he'll go to her. Think about that, you're with a cheating man who doesn't tell you the truth, offer you explanations or reassure you. A man you knows you're in turmoil, but is happy for you to be there, because it suits him.

He's hardly a prize worth hanging onto, is he?

Find your self worth.

And yes, they can deny, deny, deny. My ex did this. It sent me crazy, knowing in my gut there was an OW. His coldness, his utter contempt for my wellbeing, his cruelty and detachment were heartbreaking. I very nearly had a breakdown due to all the stress. I filed for divorce, he still denied it. He went on holiday with her three weeks after I threw him out, she posted pics of him and her on FB, he came back, still denied it, said it was my warped imagination. Friends saw them out together, he still denied it. He told our kids he was living alone, he was living with her. Only post divorce, he told me that he had been seeing her for two years before we split. He didn't tell me, because he said 'he wanted to keep his options open!!'

So he had watched me suffer, drive myself mad, and stonewalled me. The wife of twenty years.

The day I threw him out, was the day I started to find myself again. I can't tell you how much happier I became.

Good luck

Blue, that ultimatum will still not work as someone up thread said

He is invested in remaining the Good Guy. He has painted himself into a corner now. No way will he give up his stance unless irrefutable proof is presented. The only totally irrefutable proof is if op caught him balls deep. And some cheaters will wriggle out of even that by coming out with shot like "I am depressed, she threw herself at me, she threatened to spill the beans of a lesser demeanour so he had to shag her to keep her sweet". The crap they will spout is infinite.

He actually will let his marriage go rather than put op out of her misery, that much is clear

That's the kind of guy he is

So, before op asks that question she needs to be very clear that she will very possibly still not get the truth from his own mouth

But like heart has said several times, she knows it anyway but at the moment something is holding her back from acting accordingly.

Work that out, and the way forward is clearer

Yes, I didn't mean in a lighthearted waffle sort of a way. I meant in a 'solicitors apoointment is booked and this is the flat I'm renting' sort of a way.

I didn't mean it in a lighthearted waffle kind of way either. When you're in this situation there is no lighthearted conversation any more, just awful arguments or nasty silence.

My ex was due to move out and was still only interested in looking like the good guy who was being chucked out by his nasty wife. He didn't love me any more - had forgotten he ever did love me - and if anything it was a relief to him that I was making him leave so that he didn't have to screw up the courage to do it himself. The threat of us breaking up after over 20 years did not make him suddenly want to admit he had been shagging other women behind my back.