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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will I ever stop being angry

96 replies

heartonsleeve22 · 31/10/2016 19:02

I am absolutely convinced my h (not calling him dh) had an affair last year. Absolutely convinced.
I confronted him earlier in the year when all the pieces of the jigsaw slotted together. All I ever get from him is 'I can't explain that, I can't explain that'
He denies denies denies and I know he will take this with him to the grave. I just wish I had realised at the time of said affair as I would have caught him in the act.
He works away during the week and I spend the weekends going from being glad he's here, to being angry, to being upset, to JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Arghhhhh!
We have been married for 10 years and have 2 dd (10, 7)

I was wondering if anyone out there had split with their h on red flags and a strong gut feeling, but no absolute proof.

OP posts:

secretskillrelationships · 01/11/2016 11:35

He says he wants it to work - do his actions support that? I spent 18 months in marriage counselling with my H who insisted he wanted the marriage to work. He honestly suggested that it would all be okay if I just stopped moaning. Took me til my mid 40s to really understand that if there's a mismatch between words and actions, trust actions.

ravenmum · 01/11/2016 11:51

What mindset? The one that means you expect people to be able to explain weird behaviour? The one making you think that he is an average person rather than a saint who could never conceivably have had an affair?

ravenmum · 01/11/2016 11:53

Before I found out about the affair my ex wanted me to think that I was a nasty bitch for believing he might have an OW. Now he wants me to think that it is one of those things that just happens, and could easily have happened to me too.

flopsypopsymopsy · 01/11/2016 11:56

No, but I did walk away from a boyfriend under similar circumstances. It was definitely the right thing to do. I didn't have definitive evidence but he was a compulsive liar. Have been married 10 years now and life has worked out pretty well. Not sure that it would if I had stayed with Pinocchio!

ravenmum · 01/11/2016 12:03

either he explains or he leaves
But he'll just say there is nothing to explain, and either stay (continuing to act innocent) or leave (caiming she has finally driven him out for no reason).
If they don't want to say anything you can't force them to. And what if there wasn't an affair but some other problem, like gambling or hiding the fact he'd lost his job?

flopsypopsymopsy · 01/11/2016 12:06

It was also all in my head, I was paranoid, I was crazy and just needed to move on.

Funny that, I'm not normally any of those things. I also ended up keeping a log of things he told me. This confirmed that what he was telling me didn't marry up with where he had actually been.

I would think the best thing you can do is to get rid. I'm not sure you will ever get over this. I know I couldn't. Just wish there had been Mumsnet back in the day!

ballsdeep · 01/11/2016 12:07

It was also in my head until they shacked up and got married a few months later!!!!!

How do you know the affair is over? You say he works away, is this where the affair took place last time?

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 12:09

That's what he says raven, that's there's nothing to explain and he can't believe this marriage is going to end over nothing, over my paranoia!
Definitely an affair, never been so sure of anything in my life.

OP posts:

faffalotty · 01/11/2016 12:13

Whatever it is, he is lying about something.

I know how hard it is when they continue to deny and dismiss things, it is hard to advise not knowing what evidence the OP has

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 12:16

No the affair took place here where we live. I see the OW out and about.
I believe there's NC now because (this sounds awful) he's been living in my pocket for the last 6 months.
I also believe they will hook up together as soon as I'm out of the way.

OP posts:

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 01/11/2016 12:28

If it helps, think of it in a different way.

The affair, or otherwise is a red herring. You are not happy. He could be supportive, but he isn't being. By refusing to engage with you over your fears He is actively keeping you in a state of unhappiness. Possibly to cover an affair. Possibly for shits and giggles.

So say this ' I'm unhappy in this marriage. It's over'

He will start blustering over your 'paranoia' but it's irrelevant. It isn't about the affair anymore just keep repeating 'I'm unhappy in this marriage '

Fwiw I've had a partner who obsessed over me having affairs. And constantly asked me to prove I wasn't. It IS hard to prove a negative. But that doesn't mean you have to be unkind like he is being. I saw the whole thing as being symptomatic of a much deepr unhappiness on his part. I think he subconsciously wanted me to be having an affair so he could dump me. News flash- you don't need a reason. Being unhappy in a relationship is good enough to call time on it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/11/2016 12:32

You're not a fool, heartonsleeve but from your earlier post where you said, you're "...keeping us together to keep him away from her.". Well that hasn't worked, has it? You know that something happened and if it did, it will again because he is not sorry and not interested in making things right for his family. He's interested in his own comfort.

I absolutely agree with AnyFucker, what are you getting out of this? It sounds horrendous. You shouldn't have to work AT ALL to keep someone who truly loves you by your side and away from anybody else. That should tell you what you need to know... he doesn't truly love you (because he doesn't love anybody) and he isn't going to stay away from anybody who turns his head.

You cannot control what he does. You can only control what YOU do. I wouldn't/couldn't live like this because it would be a nightmare that never ends. It's the sticking plaster again, I'm afraid - peel it off a bit at a time and stick it back again, never-ending pain. Rip it off once and for all and there's pain - and then peace.

I'm sorry that you're in this hellish situation, heartonsleeve but only you can change it and protect your kids from having to witness the misery. Who knows? Your husband might even develop a modicum of respect for you once he's out of your life; he doesn't respect you at all at the moment.

ravenmum · 01/11/2016 12:34

The thing is, even if you don't guess anything and are just acting perfectly normally they can still claim that you have driven them to leave. That's what my ex was leading up to - with me he brought up things from years ago which "proved" it was my fault he was fed up (though he didn't mention having a problem with it at the time, and it was not as he described), and telling other people outright lies about my behaviour.

If he claims the breakup is your fault, just make sure you don't start to believe him. And if they do get together, well that just proves you right, doesn't it? I'd already told some people (close friends, later backstabbers) what I thought he was up to with whom, so really hope that he has introduced her to them and they have realised they shouldn't have believed his crap.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 12:41

Thank you to everyone for your wise words.
I know I have to take control or this misery that we are living in will just go on and on....

OP posts:

Whatabloodyidiot1 · 01/11/2016 12:48

I think in your situation you have nothing to lose, I would contact the suspected OW. The marriage is going to end anyway by the sounds of it so at least if you speak to her you can make the decision rationally.
She may not speak to you but I think if you confront her you will know by her actions and body language if your suspicions are correct.
Your DH thinks you're a paranoid nut job anyway so you might as well confront her!

flopsypopsymopsy · 01/11/2016 12:57

I like the advice of saying I'm unhappy in this marriage. It's over.

His previous almost guarantees that he will do nothing to try and make it work. End of.

flopsypopsymopsy · 01/11/2016 12:58

I wouldn't contact the OW. I did just that and got a mouthful of abuse. It made me feel about ten times worse!

faffalotty · 01/11/2016 13:00

Seriously OP your situation is so much like mine was and I can tell you that the feelings/worries you have will not go away and they will mess you up. I wish I'd had people to help me see the emotional abuse I was putting up with.

Sorry if this has already been asked, do you have anyone in real life you can talk to?

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 13:03

I haven't confronted her because my thinking was, if my h has no problem lying to my face then a complete stranger will not think twice!
I didn't see what I could get out of confronting her.

OP posts:

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 13:19

Not really faff, he is surrounded by family and our friends are loyal to him as they knew him first.
They will all believe him over me and I know I shouldn't care but it's hard to swallow.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2016 13:29

It really is a totally crap time.
I had my suspicions.
I also wrote everything down so I would remember when it came to tackling it.
I believe it started in Nov/Dec (a good few years ago now)
I gathered my notes and challenged him in the April/May.
He denied it and came up with some pretty good excuses but I just knew!
Although you do go into denial there comes a day when you face the facts, the truth.
I was lucky enough to find real 'proof' in the August.
It was the end for me though and we had a horrid few months then he left the country - thank goodness.

You need to get to your 'day' when you really are ready to tackle it and sort it out.
It's so hard because you just want things to carry on as they should.
But this is not how it 'should' be so you need to find that strength to do something about it.

I wish you all the luck in the world.
Once you confront it, just for you, for no-one else, the relief will be immense.
Do you have a trusted, non judgey friend you can confide in?
Talk it through with that friend and see what comes from that.
It may need to be someone who won't judge you if you decide to work through things so choose carefully.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2016 13:30

The fact she actually owes you nothing may mean you get some truth from the OW.
Your 'D'H is trying to save his sorry lying cheating arse but she has nothing to lose.
I always wanted to tackle the OW but I got my proof so I didn't need to.
But if it's what you need for some closure of some sort then it might be worth a go.

Original poster

heartonsleeve22 · 01/11/2016 13:52

When I am out of the way they will get together again eventually. I just know my 'D'h! They won't do it openly but in secrecy.

There is no way hells she'll admit anything to me because she may fear it'll ruin any future chance she has with him.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 01/11/2016 13:59

So? Let them have to sneak around in order for him to keep is 'good man' appearance.

As I said earleir, if you are calm, don't try to either dodge the issue or offer convincing details but just keep repeating the simple truth: "He had an affair, I ended our marriage" some of those people will take it on board.

His family won't, obviously. But he is theirs and, if you stick to your guns, no longer yours!

And she... well, she is of no interest to you at all, is she? Meh!

BitchQueen90 · 01/11/2016 14:08

This happened to me. We weren't married but it was a boyfriend. I was convinced he was cheating after seeing a few suspicious messages but he denied it and called me a "psycho" and a "bunny boiler" for suggesting it.

I continued with the relationship for a while but I didn't trust him, was constantly checking his social medias to see who was commenting on his stuff. Paranoid whenever he went on a night out. I realised it was not a healthy way to live. I ended it.

After that I got in touch with the woman I had suspicions about and asked her. She said they had a brief fling for about a month, had sex once until he suddenly cut her off and blocked her number (after I accused him). Sent me screen shots of their messages so I knew it was true. She was shocked to hear from me as she had no idea he had a girlfriend and was very apologetic.

Bottom line is, gut feelings are usually right. And if you can't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them.

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