Husband constantly wakes me up

[BeardedDuck]

First time post so please be gentle with me!
We've been together for 23 years and have four children. I am a really light sleeper and the smallest noise wakes me up. My husband wakes me up usually several times a night, banging around in the room, setting alarms he ignores, snoring etc. He also wakes me up by giving me a kiss or asking me a question etc. If this happens i will then be awake for hours. I've told him this happens but he doesn't seem to care and will do it again the next night. Sometimes it makes me really angry and we've ended up getting into a big row. He will say 'i was only giving you a kiss' but its really affecting me. I work a very physical job and feel ill most mornings. I'm up right now feeling frustrated and crying and he's gone to sleep. I feel like he dies this on purpose. What should i do?

Do you have a spare room?

I think you might need to sleep apar for a while. He does sound rather inconsiderate, but you sound like you have some big sleep issues that are really difficult for you.

Would ear plugs be an option?

Wake him up.

Now.

Then go to sleep on the sofa or in the spare room. He sounds like a selfish, childish fool.

Send him an email or message spelling it out as you have now or copy him this thread.

Are there any other areas in your relationship where he wholeheartedly:
1.Is inconsiderate of your feelings

1. Doesn't respect what you say
2. Is so selfish he is oblivious to your pain and suffering?

As everyone knows, sleep deprivation is a very effective form of mental torture, so he sounds beneath contempt to inflict this on you, especially as you are a busy mum and also go to work outside thr home.

Do you think there is an underlying reason why he doesn't value you or care about you?

I think you need to dig deeper to find out why he does this.

As for you, surely you are used to putting sanctions in place for thoughtless/selfish behaviour by your dc? And follow through if there is no change? Or are you used to being a doormat and your feelings disregarded?

You could start by giving sanctions/ an ultimatum but be prepared to follow it up and carry through if nothing changes.

So basically op you need to put your mental and physical health first from now on and do whatever it takes otherwise you are going to be very ill indeed.

There is a very good reason why sleep deprivation is a very effective form of torture

I am a huge insomniac (mainly work stresses and am poorly at the moment)

If my H made it worse repeatedly despite making it clear it was not acceptable there would be Hell To Pay

Can you sleep elsewhere OP? I feel your pain I am a crazy light sleeper and wear earplugs and eye mask most nights. He's being very inconsiderate. How does he react when you talk to him about it in the day calmly? Will he not agree to stop waking you or get some help with his snoring? Separate beds could be the only answer.

After 3 dc And not much sleep over the past 6 years I'm rediculously protective of a proper nights sleep.

If DH kept waking me up after I had clearly told him how much it was upsetting me Ibwould seriously consider LTB.

It's a pretty big fuck you to wake someone up without a really good reason. Like the house being in fire.

You ok AF?

Op. Him deliberately waking you despite you asking him not to, sounds weird to me. Like a form of control. You need to watch that.

If DH repeatedly denied me something as basic as sleep, he'd get his arse handed to him. Would be deny you food, air or water?

When I had to work nights, DH would set up a little sanctuary in the spare room with earplugs, eye mask and water. So that I got the maximum possible sleep. Because when you love someone, you want them well and happy and sleep is something you need for that.

I would not be responsible for my actions if dh did this. What do you say/ do when he wakes you?

Has he been doing it for 23 years?

Not really, led

Off to work in half an hour on about 3 hours kip

Urghhh AF,that's shit,you poor thing.

At least my H is sympathetic too. I wonder how much kip op has had ?

Separate beds. Preferably in different rooms. Been with my DH for 23 years and for the last 10 of those we've only shared a bed a handful of times eg on holiday. He snores, also we have completely different sleep patterns. We still love each other very much but I value my sleep too much to have it disturbed.
Also your DH does not sound very considerate towards your needs, selfish springs to mind, I think there is more to your problems than the sleep issues

Separate rooms as a minimum. Personally if a man did that to me we'd be living in separate houses. No lie. AF is right, it's a torture technique.

He also wakes me up by giving me a kiss or asking me a question etc. If this happens i will then be awake for hours

Why the hell would he do that? Just why? That is beyond inconsiderate.

That is awful of him.

Anyone can accidentally wake someone up once by mistake but to intentionally keep doing it is cruel.

Are you married to my husband?

Mine does this as well - always has and it drives me absolutely NUTS. It doesn't help that he sleeps like the dead and I am like the Princess and the Pea - the slightest little thing will wake me.

He doesn't mean to do it on purpose, it's not always his fault, just the way I am. But sometimes if he's been out and has had a few drinks he'll come home, I'll wake up the second he opens the door and he'll decide he wants a chat.

That really irritates me because the minute my brain is stimulated by anything I know I won't see sleep for another couple of hours at least.

Then he'll be snoring his head off 15 minutes later and I'll be lying there fuming.

I really think you need to consider separate rooms, maybe not 100% of the time, but have a guest room you can go to when you feel you need it.

Also I have recently discovered that Nightol really does help, as does cutting right back on alcohol. I never drink coffee after about 2pm or I won't sleep, I've known that for years, also food loaded with MSG (for any Indian or Chinese takeways) but I've only recently realised how much just one or two drinks can affect my ability to sleep.If you are fond of a couple of glasses of wine in the evenings then swap them for herbal tea. It's a sacrifice worth making.

This is me too, this has only improved since my children have left home, I now have a choice of spare beds to climb into. If I know he is going early the next morning I go straight to the smallest bedroom that has the most wonderful blackout blinds and is furthest from the bathroom. He still manages to wake me up when he slams the door on the way out, locks it and shoves the keys through the letterbox.

Mine has been away for two nights, last night I slept right through from 11 until 6:30 without waking, I feel ten years younger today.

I feel your pain.

Mine does this as well - just awful. He has to speak to me when he comes up, usually later than me - he reckons if I'm asleep then I won't be disturbed & if I hear him it's because I was actually awake

The other fucking irritating thing he sometimes does is pretend to trip over & fall onto my side of the bed (nearest the door) as he's getting into bed, rather than walking round.

He says I annoy him & wake him up every morning by chatting & banging around - I get up at least an hour before him & I don't, I really don't make a noise or talk - I have done in the past but once he had moaned about it I stopped immediately I'm a reasonable person

I'm a good sleeper but for the last 2 nights, dp has been on the beers and has snores like a fucking walrus, I'm so knackered that I could cry, the arse is on nights now for 3 nights and I can't ducking wait, bastard.

Sorry op, not helpful to you but I needed to get that of my chest, hope your ok AF.

He sounds quite spiteful OP he's clearly aware of how badly it affects you and yet he continues to deliberately wake you up. Can you go to another room and also use ear plugs? He's treating you very badly.

It sounds awful, and actually quite passive/aggressive ("I was only".....)

Sleep separately? With you having the comfy big room!

As a PP says, are there other things he's selfish and inconsiderate about?