Husband constantly wakes me up

[BeardedDuck]

First time post so please be gentle with me!
We've been together for 23 years and have four children. I am a really light sleeper and the smallest noise wakes me up. My husband wakes me up usually several times a night, banging around in the room, setting alarms he ignores, snoring etc. He also wakes me up by giving me a kiss or asking me a question etc. If this happens i will then be awake for hours. I've told him this happens but he doesn't seem to care and will do it again the next night. Sometimes it makes me really angry and we've ended up getting into a big row. He will say 'i was only giving you a kiss' but its really affecting me. I work a very physical job and feel ill most mornings. I'm up right now feeling frustrated and crying and he's gone to sleep. I feel like he dies this on purpose. What should i do?

Harmless As well as on the spectrum you might consider personality disorder.

I'm a very light sleeper and when my ex used to deliberately wake me it would take hours, if at all, to get back to sleep because I would be furious. Like HC's partner, he found it amusing and I had no spare room as all dc were young. I was desperate once, my dd had a chest infection that had her coughing all night every night for about a week and I was exhausted, then on the first night of her sleeping quietly my ex woke me several times. I booked a local hotel for two nights, it was about £150 and I used his card. I still did all my usual work/ parenting during the day and just popped down the road when the dc had gone to bed.

HC your wife sounds mean

Why the hell do any of you put up with it? I had a friend whose husband was on call at night and he'd reach across her to the phone!! I didn't understand her either!

My DH often had to go out in the night - his clothes would be downstairs and he crept like a ghost. If ever he woke me up it was a total accident.

Move them into the spare room or the living room floor. Failing that, out the door.

It's hateful.

I go to bed around 10:30 pm and wake up normally around 3am.

I am sleep deprived but love it. Gives me a buzz in a weird way.

Harmless
If you take the fuse out of the tv and hair drier you might have a more peaceful morning

Nannyogg. Why do we put up with this sort of behaviour? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break up a family, sometimes move kids out of their home, worry about money etc etc?

That wasn't the first option. And anyone that treats their partner this badly over sleep treats them badly in other ways. It's lack of respect, lack of care and lack of love.

If they won't change, what are the options in your view?

This is so weird to read- we have two kids who both sleep badly and my husband and I do whatever we can to preserve each other's sleep.
If one of us is up, we let the other nap and if we've both had bad nights we do our best to minimise the impact on each other.
To read about relationships where one partner actively prevents the other from sleeping makes me really feel for anyone who is married to someone who doesn't have that support. It's hard enough when you're on the same team - it must be unbearable to have someone making life deliberately worse for you, let some someone who's supposed to love you.
and to everyone who's sleep deprived.

It's abusive behaviour. I think it is very likely that there are other abusive behaviours in this relationship, unfortunately. He is waking you deliberately - whether this is to punish you or to keep you in a state of constant anxiety. Does he want sex when he wakes you? Does he complain that there is not enough sex? Does he do his share of domestic work or is he one of those who leaves dirty plates and cups all over the house? Is he resentful of something else eg you earn more money than him, or are cleverer than him?

This is purposeful torture, and he is pretending he's not doing it on purpose and you are overreacting even though you've asked him to be considerate. I bet he's really lovely sometimes and you wonder if you are going crazy. Well you aren't. Unfortunately I would consider his need to hurt you as potentially dangerous and certainly odd behaviour. I bet he didn't do it at the beginning of your Relationship? Google emotional abuse or covert manipulation and check that there are no other things he does that you haven't yet recognised.

This is a very old thread

Honestly, I am not being a smart ass, I would wake him up randomly through the night starting tonight. Shake him, shine a light in his eyes, whatever. When he gets pissed, tell him that's EXACTLY how you feel when he's being an inconsiderate prick.

Repeat as necessary and get a white noise machine.

SLIGHTLY ZOMBIE

Last autumn... I wonder if op did anything?

Wow! So glad I found you all cos I was just about to lose my mind!
So happy I'm not alone with this issue!
I'm blown away that there are others out there with the exact same problem.
Tonight eg: came home from a long business trip, went to bed tired but happy to get to sleep.
Between 12 and 2 am I was woken up 5-6 times.its now 4 am and I cannot sleep, I'm so angry and stressed but now I will sleep after reading your post/s knowing I have new buddies!
Chat soon guys and I'll share the issues tomorrow! 🙂

Well said! Exactly! I'll share my experiences tomorrow.

Yes!

Ear plugs or separate rooms. My DH wakes me up as I'm a light sleeper. I wear ear plugs and we have our own rooms. You have to put your needs first. 💐

Separate beds are the way forward

The trouble is that often these men don't have ANY problem falling asleep. So yes, you can wake them through the night to show them how it feels, but they don't even properly wake, and then fall back into dead sleep again, usually not even remembering in the morning.

It's very different to sleeping lightly, waking easily and staying awake for hours, which is why they really don't get it. My OH falls asleep within SECONDS of getting into bed, and he really does not understand the whole 'falling asleep' thing. For him it's just something that happens whenever he wants it.

I'm picturing a scene where husband gives sleeping wife a kiss and she rises up like the corpse bride and screams at the top of her voice: "WHY DID YOU DO THAT????"

It might at least make him think twice next time.

ZOMBIE THREAD!

ZOMBIE THREAD!

Start your own thread Happy else everyone will just reply to the OP.

Ear plugs

Earplugs won't work if someone is physically disturbing someone.
Eg: putting lights on, bumping and knudging, bopping someone with scatter cushions, pulling bed covers, leaning over to hug or kiss them when they are in a deep sleep etc.
My situation have been any of the above & also husband had 3 seizures in past 4 yrs.
Sex was great at first but after 1st seizure it then waned and now nothing. Husband obviously anxious and concerned about seizures but he's very reluctant to discuss that or sex.
He drools over attractive women, tries to hide that but it's obvious.
I have struggled to deal with the seizures and now feel concerned about it happening again.