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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband constantly wakes me up

92 replies

BeardedDuck · 20/10/2016 02:46

First time post so please be gentle with me!
We've been together for 23 years and have four children. I am a really light sleeper and the smallest noise wakes me up. My husband wakes me up usually several times a night, banging around in the room, setting alarms he ignores, snoring etc. He also wakes me up by giving me a kiss or asking me a question etc. If this happens i will then be awake for hours. I've told him this happens but he doesn't seem to care and will do it again the next night. Sometimes it makes me really angry and we've ended up getting into a big row. He will say 'i was only giving you a kiss' but its really affecting me. I work a very physical job and feel ill most mornings. I'm up right now feeling frustrated and crying and he's gone to sleep. I feel like he dies this on purpose. What should i do?

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/10/2016 07:30

We all do things that piss our partners off.

However, when you have told them clearly what they are doing and how horrible it makes you feel they should stop. Why the fuck is he kissing an unconscious woman anyway?

MissMargie · 20/10/2016 07:35

Hmm, someoneabove saying 'he doesn't mean to do it' , 'it's just the way I am'

I would say it is passive aggressive bullying. I have been a chronic insomniac and some of the problem is that you are desperate to stay asleep so if something disturbs you, you dont' just turn over and go back to sleep but lie in bed fuming that whatever it was woke you, and this makes it much harder to relax as you are angry.

But that aside the deliberate waking is bullying imo. It is an opportunity to get at you, or to make you pay for some grudge your DH holds against you. Is marriage wonderful otherwise, does he feel deprived of sex, or attention or something? Because I would say that is the problem.

And if you cannot, on finding yourself awoken by him, tell him to 'clear off and sleep on the sofa you selfish B' when you are a known insomniac, as that is what you should be able to do, the relationship is not ok.

Frouby · 20/10/2016 07:38

My DP went through a stage of doing this. It didn't particularly bother me until ds came along and sleep became a very precious thing.

After the incident with the remote control (I threw it out of the window) and then me spending 2 nights in dds bed while she was away with earplugs in while he did the wakeups he stopped doing it. He stopped the uninvited cuddling up to me when I bit him too. I am not proud of it. But I was 3 months into sleep deprivation with a baby who was awake at least 4 times a night and sore boobs. He put his arm around the back of my bed to sort of scoop me up. And I bit him.

Now if he wakes in the night and can't get back to sleep he comes downstairs and quietly watches TV.

Bagina · 20/10/2016 07:46

My dh does this to me. He's a restless sleeper; deep dreams and snoring etc. I use ear plugs which helps a lot. The thing is though, he understands that I struggle to sleep and does everything he can to help me. He even sleeps on the sofa for a few nights if we've had a bad run. He gets his work things ready at night and leaves them downstairs etc. He couldn't really do anymore to help. I would question why your dh is being so disrespectful and actually quite cruel. There's something else going on here surely?

And my dh is anything but perfect, but he knows the impact the lack of sleep is having on me.

Ledkr · 20/10/2016 08:01

I think there's a huge difference between your partner waking you snoring or a bit pissed and deliberately by kissing you, pretending to fall over or chatting to you, particularly after they have been asked not to.
The latter is just fucking weird and abusuve IMO.
Why would someone who loves you want to repeatedly stop you sleeping?

GourmetChild · 20/10/2016 08:06

Thoroughly selfish and inconsiderate. The point here is HE DOESN'T CARE how tired you are. If he did, he wouldn't do it, it's not rocket science.

Waking you up through snoring etc is one thing and needs a joint solution you are happy with but the questions is disgraceful. Just shows a complete and utter lack of respect for you.

Of course he understands what he is doing. It just doesn't negatively affect him at all and he doesn't care about the effect on you so why spshoukd he stop?

Stand up for yourself!

alltouchedout · 20/10/2016 08:17

Another insomniac here (having a relatively good patch atmosphere but it always comes back). I get slightly hysterical I'd something needlessly disrupts the sleep I do get. I would literally be sobbing with frustration if dh was doing that to me.

alltouchedout · 20/10/2016 08:18

atmosphere? atm I meant!

Naicehamshop · 20/10/2016 08:40

Totally unreasonable behaviour from your DH. You need to really tell him how you feel - get angry, and move into the spare room for a while.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 20/10/2016 11:08

DH sleeps more deeply than me, and after an initial period of adjustment, totally Gets It and does what he can to minimise my disruption. But he's a decent guy. My spidey-senses are tingling, and I suspect we're going to be hearing about more things...

Oh, and the PP who suggested you show him this fred. No, don't.

HarmlessChap · 20/10/2016 11:35

No need for him to do that. I usually go to bed later than DW and try to do so as quietly as possible.

Generally she is up at 7:00 and has her shower then I get up at 7:15 and have mine, the thing which annoys me is that maybe once a week she has a very early start at work and has her shower and comes back to the bedroom at 6:00. She then turns TV on while she dries herself then dries her hair with the hair drier, then walks out of the bedroom at about 6:20 turns the light off and I lie there wide awake for just under an hour until its time for me to get up. Where as on her day off, when she has a lie in until after 9, I take my clothes to the bathroom shower dry and dress there and try not to disturb her.

keepingonrunning · 20/10/2016 12:13

Regularly waking you up - on purpose - can be part of a pattern of abuse. It is not ok to deliberately deprive you of sleep, something that is essential for your wellbeing.
He is not being kind to you, he is not respecting what you say.
Read this and this
Think about whether there are other ways he is abusing you and consider ending the relationship.

MissMargie · 20/10/2016 12:22

Harmlesschap - have you explained that you don't like her waking you?

AnyFucker · 20/10/2016 12:47

HC, you need to tell your wife to afford you the same respect that she gets on a lie in day

ageingrunner · 20/10/2016 12:48

It's not really acceptable behaviour is it? I had an ex who used to wake me up deliberately and it was part of a pattern of psychological abuse I'm afraid. I'm assuming that if you think about how he treats you generally, you'll realise that there are other things he does which are not very nice either.

ElspethFlashman · 20/10/2016 12:59

Fucking hell HarmlessChap turning on the TV? And using a hair dryer?? What a rude cow, sorry but she is.

Those nights I would take myself off to the spare room. Do it every single week. It'll either learn her some manners or not, but either way you won't be woken up.

HarmlessChap · 20/10/2016 13:05

Yeah she knows but finds it amusing

P1nkP0ppy · 20/10/2016 13:07

Mine did this so separate rooms now for the last 18 years-= blissful!

ElspethFlashman · 20/10/2016 13:10

Yeah, it's a fucking riot, mate.

guinnessgirl · 20/10/2016 13:16

I simply cannot wrap my head around the concept that either the OP or Harmlesschap's other halves can actually love them if they are regularly waking them up. it's cruel, selfish and profoundly unloving. I'd be taking a long hard look at your relationships if I were either of you.

Looneytune253 · 20/10/2016 13:26

Harmless chap, why don't you just do the same to her. Hopefully it will annoy her so she realises.

HarmlessChap · 20/10/2016 13:30

I suspect that DW is somewhere on the spectrum, she doesn't seem to do empathy and likes to stick to her routines.

We have no spare room, she finds it amusing that I get wound up by it as she sees nothing wrong as it would be equally selfish for me to expect her to change her morning routine simply as she has to go to work early, Just says its not her fault if I can't get back to sleep after.

HarmlessChap · 20/10/2016 13:33

Looneytune253 there is an apparent difference between a day off and being woken up earlier than I need on a work day.

HarmlessChap · 20/10/2016 13:36

guinnessgirl yeah you're correct there's plenty of other stuff to address as well. It will be make or break time in when the kids go off to Uni in a few years I'm afraid.

Helbelle75 · 20/10/2016 13:40

I would be so upset about this. I sleep very lightly as well and it takes me ages to get off to sleep. DH snores, which infuriates me, but he is trying various solutions to make it better, and we do have a spare room which I use if I need sleep desperately.
I get up earlier than him as well, so always put my clothes in the spare room, my make up's in there as well, so I can just get out of bed and leave him asleep without clattering around for clothes and hairdryers etc.
I don't think I could stay with someone who constantly woke me up, it would infuriate me so much.

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