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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a red flag / non starter?

110 replies

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:37

A guy who I'm friends with on Facebook who I haven't seen since primary school contacted me about 2 months ago. Then we started chatting and he phoned - we had lots of long conversations and seemed to get on well. He currently doesn't live in the U.K. But is (apparently) moving back this year.

He told me that he would be attending a wedding here a few weeks ago here and suggested we meet up. He told me he was going to be staying about 1.5 hours away from me. Anyway, he texted me when he got there and told me where he was staying and it turned out to be 4 hours away! I said sorry, I can't drive a distance like that for a first meeting - no way (this was a Friday) I suggested we meet halfway before he went back home (he had said he'd be staying til Wednesday). Then he disappeared and the next thing I heard from him was Monday night and that he was at the airport and waiting to go home!! I was annoyed and said to him I don't like people who say one thing and do another. I pointed out to him that he would have not been able to spend much time with me anyway because of the time it would have taken me to get there and the fact that the wedding was going on for 3,days. I told him I do not trust people who say one thing and do another.

He said he was sorry, he really does want to meet me but he didn't think it through (the logistics) and he knows it was selfish of him to expect me to drive for 4 hours. He said he will be back again soon and will I please give him another chance. I told him he needs to communicate better with me and be clear I feel he expects me to meet him.

I can't work out whether he has something wrong or is just disorganised (possible). He has had various long term relationships and seems to be well thought of generally.

So would you just write this off? It has put me off him somewhat.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:38

If he wants me to meet him*

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Kriek · 05/10/2016 18:41

I'd move on. I cannot stand selfish behaviour.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 05/10/2016 18:44

It was a misunderstanding, not selfishness or a red flag. But that is neither here nor there as you have already been put off by him. Let the poor guy find someone who won't belittle him for making a mistake.

SpiritedLondon · 05/10/2016 18:46

I think it's a bit tough to bin him off the back of one incident when you're not even dating. Some people are unrealistic about how long things take etc. I would give him another chance if you like him but I would expect it to be at your convenience really. He needs to make the effort to contact you and come to your neck of the woods. If he is anything less than enthusiastic or charming I would give it up as a lost cause.... But it would be a shame to not try.

TheNaze73 · 05/10/2016 18:51

It was a misunderstanding, that's all I'm thinking from your post

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:53

Annie - how was it a misunderstanding? He knew full well where the wedding was and told me it was 1.5 miles away from me (his home town as well as mine)

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Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:54

The reason I'm like this is that I have been treated very badly loads of times and I've tried to readjust my boundaries so I don't take any shit.

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Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:56

He may just be disorganised - I used to be like that myself. I will give him another chance if people think he doesn't sound like yet another narcissist type who reels me in then treats me like crap. He has seemed lovely on the phone.

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AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 05/10/2016 19:00

lottie - if he no longer lives in the UK, it is possible that he simply misjudged the distance. I left the UK 6 years ago and I recently started an argument with DH because I was adamant that Manchester to Birmingham was no more than 30 minutes away.

LineyReborn · 05/10/2016 19:00

I don't see how someone mistakes a 3 hour round trip for an 8 hour round trip, and a Monday for a Wednesday.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 19:14

That's what I thought Liney. All I know is there is no way I would expect someone to drive 4 hours for a first meeting. I think that if you show early on that you are ok with putting up with inconsistent behaviour then it gives the person the impression you will put up with anything.

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Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 19:15

I also think he could have contacted me during the weekend and says he didn't think it was viable for us to meet this time given that the wedding was 3 days long and his flight back was Monday

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PinkBrainsTasteGut · 05/10/2016 19:26

Red flag. Novelty nostalgic shag opportunity that fell through was my first thought. Might be lovely on the phone but that's easy to fake when you're trying to earn action.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 19:29

Yes that's what I'm concerned about. He has said he wants a relationship with me but talks cheap isn't it? I didn't know him well at school because he's 3 years younger than me. He's been saying that he's been waiting a long time for someone like me but I'm not going to get myself into a situation where I can't get someone out of my head who turned out to be an arsehole.

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HappyAxolotl · 05/10/2016 20:00

This bloke seems to talk big but when it came time to make actual plans to meet you he flaked and was okay with disappointing you.

I've done long-distance and it is tough even when both partners are devoted. Stay pals with him if you want, and later you could see what comes of it if and when he moves back to your area, if you're both still single and interested.

Sometimes there's nothing to lose by giving a second chance but don't let it turn into infinite chances to be a flaky wally.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 20:08

Exactly, I told him I thought he was flaky. Also I've looked at his Facebook and his (male) friends have accused him of being flaky as well so maybe that's his personality.

I have AS so I'm particularly vulnerable to people who are arseholes. I have before ignored small things which I deeply regretted later.

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MrsHathaway · 05/10/2016 20:12

You don't need to slam the door on him. You can say very explicitly that next time he's in your town (not an hour or four away) you can meet up for a drink. But if he's flaky then he's the one who does the work.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 20:20

Yes, that's basically what I've said. I've said he can't expect me to travel unrealistic distances and it should be relatively easy for us both. It's in the same way that I don't expect a guy to buy my drinks / lunch.

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Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 20:21

Another strange thing is that i was recently on holiday and he seemed keen to be talking to me while I was on holiday but not so much at home. Any thoughts on this?

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LineyReborn · 05/10/2016 20:39

Not actually single?

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 20:45

I can't see any evidence of him not being single but who knows. Even if he wasn't would it explain his behaviour?

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doji · 05/10/2016 20:51

People are generally on their best behaviour early on. If this flakiness annoys you now, it will drive you crazy later on, if you actually got together with him. Bad/unreliable behaviour this early never bodes well. Your gut instinct to not put up with this is spot on.

LineyReborn · 05/10/2016 21:10

Well he's claiming he's available to you, but he actually isn't.

Distance to travel - not true.

Number of days available at the wedding long weekend - not true.

Availability to talk - less when at home.

Does it actually matter what the explanation is? He's unavailable.

PickAChew · 05/10/2016 21:15

Even on the offchance that he'd both available and did make an honest mistake, he's got your hackles up, which makes it a non-starter, really.

Original poster

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 22:54

I just find it incredible. I live in the midlands which is where he lived and this place he was staying at is down towards Cornwall. He must have known the situation. And the fact he arrived there and didn't contact me again til he was leaving makes me think he was just after sex.

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