Is this a red flag / non starter?

[lottieandmia]

A guy who I'm friends with on Facebook who I haven't seen since primary school contacted me about 2 months ago. Then we started chatting and he phoned - we had lots of long conversations and seemed to get on well. He currently doesn't live in the U.K. But is (apparently) moving back this year.

He told me that he would be attending a wedding here a few weeks ago here and suggested we meet up. He told me he was going to be staying about 1.5 hours away from me. Anyway, he texted me when he got there and told me where he was staying and it turned out to be 4 hours away! I said sorry, I can't drive a distance like that for a first meeting - no way (this was a Friday) I suggested we meet halfway before he went back home (he had said he'd be staying til Wednesday). Then he disappeared and the next thing I heard from him was Monday night and that he was at the airport and waiting to go home!! I was annoyed and said to him I don't like people who say one thing and do another. I pointed out to him that he would have not been able to spend much time with me anyway because of the time it would have taken me to get there and the fact that the wedding was going on for 3,days. I told him I do not trust people who say one thing and do another.

He said he was sorry, he really does want to meet me but he didn't think it through (the logistics) and he knows it was selfish of him to expect me to drive for 4 hours. He said he will be back again soon and will I please give him another chance. I told him he needs to communicate better with me and be clear I feel he expects me to meet him.

I can't work out whether he has something wrong or is just disorganised (possible). He has had various long term relationships and seems to be well thought of generally.

So would you just write this off? It has put me off him somewhat.

Drop him. So many people it seems just get off on the texting etc with no intention of meeting in real life. I'm sure advice here has been meet for coffee soon as possible. Hope you can feel better and happier soon

I've just blocked him. Unfortunately I knew his parents better than him and because they were such lovely people I assumed he would be too. Naive perhaps. I wonder whether he actually has any plans to move back to the uk at all TBH. He was 'thinking of' moving back to our home town and 'thinking of' moving to a big town nearby. I wouldn't be surprised if he never does

I'm so used to this crap now that I don't have any time for it - my life is busy enough.

At the end of the day he's in his 30s and never been married. There must be a reason I would think.

What pisses me off is that I've spent hours talking to him on the phone - what a waste of my time.

What he said didn't make sense because on one hand he was expecting me to 'spend the weekend with him' but how was I going to do that when he had a function to go to every day he was there? He couldn't just turn up to them with me (someone he just met) could he? Which led me to think he wanted me to just wait around in the hotel he was staying at for him to get back in the evening so he could have sex with me.

I find driving exhausting and told him so. This is the only conclusion I could come to because I felt if he had wanted to meet me for a quick drink then he could have met me somewhere halfway before he went back.

Perhaps I am being too cynical but I don't see what else I am supposed to think.

I would also imagine he knew from the beginning that he would be going back Monday, not Wednesday. So why tell me that? Why not be honest? He comes across as very intelligent so i don't buy that he doesn't know what he's talking about. He also knew that I had had a difficult week, that my daughter had been assaulted and didn't even bother to ask how she was.

I have fallen for some unbelievable nonsense in the past / ignored things i shouldn't have and I don't want to do it again.

Maybe he was swept along with all the excitement about meeting up without being realistic about it. So it sounded like a good idea at the time but in reality the logistics didn't add up.

Personally, I would just say to him, "sorry it didn't work this time, let me know if you are in my area and maybe we can meet up next time. If you give me enough notice we can make a firm arrangement.". You're then putting the ball in his court and ensuring he puts himself out rather than you. I suspect he's just a bit disorganised. Sounds young, how old is he?

I agree op.

Would have done the same thing, OP. Got no time for that

My first thought was hopeful opportunistic shag. but then i,m a cynical old biddy. Seems he was up for a meet if you made the effort to get to him, but when it was obvious you wouldnt be panting at his doorstep he never really made any effort from his end.

I'd unblock him but just do nothing - if he wants

A relationship with you he'll make the effort and you make him do the running next time.

I wouldn't write him off completely on this but def take it as a warning and let him do the work for a while

I'm not saying to him 'sorry I didn't work' - as far as I'm concerned he misled me. Either intentionally or unintentionally.

He's 33 so not young....

Fair enough. If you don't want to then, just don't be in touch again. You are looking for something different and that is ok.

Fair enough. Time to move on then

I also don't want to get invested in someone who says they're moving back here when it's highly likely they won't. If he really wants to get in touch then he knows where I am.

Youre joking right? You think theres potentially something wrong with him because this first meet up didnt happen? Thats ridiculously harsh and judgemental. Also, nobody likes an arsehole -so its not that youre particularly susceptible, it seems more like you write blokes off without being able to just let things grow organically. By their 30's everyone has been hurt - your past is not his problem. If you like him loosen up. You're extrapolating all sorts from something really not that significant. I dont think you will though, I think you're looking for confirmation bias and getting it.

I'm willing to be told I'm wrong, that's why I posted! So fair enough if you think I'm harsh.

The problem I've got is that he has said one thing and done another. If he'd got to the place and said 'oh, actually I can see it's going to be difficult to meet up this time - we'll try when I'm not so busy' That would have been fine. What I didn't like was the way I told him 'sorry an 8 hour round trip is not possible for me' and he said he was going to be here til wednesday, then disappeared and ignored my texts. Then the next thing I hear is he's at the airport. He has gone on and on about us meeting up for months. I find this confusing.

Sounds to be like he delibaterly ignored you the whole time he was here. Perhaps he got a better offer at the wedding. Not contacting you until he was at the airport is just shitty

I agree with previous posters. Sounds like a waste of time. I'd move on and consider it a narrow escape

So, why is he then so sorry afterwards and asking me to give him another chance if he met someone else at the wedding?

I don't know because some people are saying I'm being unreasonable and some people not. He said he's been waiting for someone like me for a long time. It could be BS - who knows.

Because he had a one off shag at the wedding and wants you on hand for next time he visits.

Honestly, don't give this one another chance. It sucks that you've wasted time on him but that's how we learn which ones aren't for us as well as which ones are.

Agree ^ he wants his cake and to eat it too. He spent the time having fun at the wedding then it was time to go home he thought oh yeah. I'll go back to her now.

Sounds like he's trying to say everything he thinks you want to hear.

What does your gut say?

My first impression was that he had cut me off for the weekend because he was pissed off with me that I wasn't willing to drive 4 hours to see him. But I pointed out afterwards that I would never expect this of him, it was unreasonable and he had told me he would be 1.5 hours away!

He tells me he has not had sex for a year I hate being on the spectrum because I can't work out people's intentions. And I really had thought that he seemed different. I have been happy by myself for 2 years after relationships that were hard work and a husband who did not communicate with me (and still doesn't even though we have 2 children together)

Since when are family weddings the prime place to get laid? I've obviously been missing out