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Original poster

Is this a red flag / non starter?

110 replies

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:37

A guy who I'm friends with on Facebook who I haven't seen since primary school contacted me about 2 months ago. Then we started chatting and he phoned - we had lots of long conversations and seemed to get on well. He currently doesn't live in the U.K. But is (apparently) moving back this year.

He told me that he would be attending a wedding here a few weeks ago here and suggested we meet up. He told me he was going to be staying about 1.5 hours away from me. Anyway, he texted me when he got there and told me where he was staying and it turned out to be 4 hours away! I said sorry, I can't drive a distance like that for a first meeting - no way (this was a Friday) I suggested we meet halfway before he went back home (he had said he'd be staying til Wednesday). Then he disappeared and the next thing I heard from him was Monday night and that he was at the airport and waiting to go home!! I was annoyed and said to him I don't like people who say one thing and do another. I pointed out to him that he would have not been able to spend much time with me anyway because of the time it would have taken me to get there and the fact that the wedding was going on for 3,days. I told him I do not trust people who say one thing and do another.

He said he was sorry, he really does want to meet me but he didn't think it through (the logistics) and he knows it was selfish of him to expect me to drive for 4 hours. He said he will be back again soon and will I please give him another chance. I told him he needs to communicate better with me and be clear I feel he expects me to meet him.

I can't work out whether he has something wrong or is just disorganised (possible). He has had various long term relationships and seems to be well thought of generally.

So would you just write this off? It has put me off him somewhat.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 13:46

I didn't meet him from an online dating site. His interest in me seemed to stem from him reading and commenting on my posts around the time of the Brexit issue. For all I know, he could already be in a relationship I suppose. He did also ask me to go and stay with him for a few days if he paid for my ticket but I said no (home/work commitments)

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Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 13:48

The main issue I have taken away from my past mistakes is that people who say one thing and do another are not to be trusted (and that goes for female friends too).

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Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 13:51

If he's a player, he's a slightly less conventional player. Most players I know on my FB have 100s of likes on tHeir very posed Facebook profile pictures. This isn't the case with him. But who knows.

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LesisMiserable · 07/10/2016 13:58

KeepCalm I wouldn't consider someone I'd never since primary school as someone I would trust to not fuck me around to be honest - I mean why would I consider myself a priority to them before we'd even met again/seen if there was a spark? I'd assume from the outset talk is cheap until we actually met - but I get that not everyone is as pragmatic as that if it doesn't work out exactly to plan - feels those people feel personally wronged and so go into same old guarded mode. I'm not one of those people, no. I'm human and accept fallabilities in myself and others.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 14:03

Well personally I don't mess people around whoever they are - whether I know them or not. Not knowing someone well is not a free pass to talk BS and say things you don't mean.

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Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 14:22

I am not bothered about who else he does or doesn't talk to. I wouldn't ne committing myself to someone I'd never spent actually time with - that would just be silly. It's the inconsistency that bothers me. Or that he might be one of those people who has an uncertain grip on reality.

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LesisMiserable · 07/10/2016 14:53

Dont talk to him again then, simples.

Kidnapped · 07/10/2016 15:25

Honestly, do not give him the head space.

His words told you that he was a wonderful bloke who saw you as the woman of his dreams.

His actions told you that he was a selfish pisstaker who was happy to mess you around and not reply to your messages.

Lesson learned. Don't try to understand him or his inconsistency. That head space should be taken up with positive things like looking forward and planning some nice things for yourself, seeing family and friends.

Obsessing about the questionable character of someone that you haven't met since he was in short trousers is stopping you from meeting someone new.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 07/10/2016 15:27

There's different type of players though. One of the types is the "I don't have much luck locally so I have to trawl facebook for people I used to know to try my luck on". If you hadn't chatted back, he'd be doing the same spiel with someone else by now. Time spent on you or money offered to spend on you isn't indicative of a good person or someone who cares.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 17:13

I get what you are all saying and you're right. The problem I have is that I can easily get a date based on the fact I'm considered pretty but I rarely find someone who seems to understand me and my anxiety / slightly unusual behaviour and appreciate my quirky personality. So usually it goes wrong because im considered odd.

I feel that this person probably knew I would not drive 4 hours and he's a fantasist. So it's a shame.

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user1471446905 · 07/10/2016 17:40

Wow, what a vast array of overreactions! You have been chatting, he suggested that you might be able to meet because he was in the country for another event. The obvious thing would be for you to go to him as he was coming to the UK specifically for another event, not to see you. He misjudged the distances so you refused to visit him as it wouldn't be manageable, he didm;t text you because he was at the actual event he had come to the UK for. Sound like he was in the UK for this wedding, was hoping that he might also be able to see you but unfortunately due to logistics it didn't work ou. No big deal really, but you are blocking him, talking about red flags and priding yourself on your bullshit detector, massive over reaction IMO!

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 17:50

User - he had been talking up the idea of meeting me every day for 3 weeks leading up to it!

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Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 17:51

User - are you seriously suggesting that you would drive 4 hours for a first meeting?

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Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 17:54

I'm not priding myself on my bullshit detector - the point is that's it's historically rubbish

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user1471446905 · 07/10/2016 17:57

no i wouldn't drive 4 hours but i think he had misjudged the distance rather than it being intentional

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 07/10/2016 18:11

Someone seriously wanting to meet up would have a quick glance at google maps.

user1471446905 · 07/10/2016 18:23

not if they thought they knew roughly how far it was, i think this is being massively overthought and blocking him is ridiculous. This level of drama and analysis is so unnecessary, he may be having a lucky escape.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 18:28

Thank you user - I've already said I have AS - are you just being a GF?

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Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 07/10/2016 18:31

You need to know more than how far somewhere is to get there.

user1471446905 · 07/10/2016 18:39

You asked if others would write this off- I am saying I would and I think you are massively over reacting. I know you have AS you have already stated that, along with the fact that your AS is one of the reasons you are seeking others opinions. Apologies if my opinions are not the ones you were looking for.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 18:47

You said that he would be having a lucky escape.maybe you should try to have more empathy for people who find social situations confusing. He has been trying to escalate things for weeks. He didn't say 'oh maybe we can meet up' in one conversation.

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Kidnapped · 07/10/2016 18:47

He also didn't respond to her message about meeting halfway until such time as he was about to leave the country.

Presumably that's just a logistical oversight on his part also? Or another misjudgement?

And if he was committed to spending every single minute of 4 days at a wedding (which is total bullshit), then it's surprising that he asked the OP to drive to see him, no? Yet another error on this poor chap's part maybe?

Any one of these is bad behaviour. All together it demonstrates his character.

I am surprised that people don't see his behaviour as a red flag. Short of asking the OP to settle his hotel bill, he couldn't really have behaved any more badly towards the OP.

user1471446905 · 07/10/2016 18:55

Different people, different perspectives - it seems that he is quite laid back and relaxed and you are little more anxious and for want of a better word needy or that is how it reads to me. As such, probably not a great match, maybe i should have said a lucky escape on both sides. A possible meeting that causes you this level of angst is probably not worth it and therefore maybe this should be a red flag for you.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 18:59

I am not needy. I have about 6 men chasing me for dates. I thought he might be the right one. Hence my disappointment

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ThisUsernameIsAvailab1e · 07/10/2016 19:00

The red flag is you both discussing having a relationship together when you've never met. That's very weird