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Original poster

Is this a red flag / non starter?

110 replies

lottieandmia · 05/10/2016 18:37

A guy who I'm friends with on Facebook who I haven't seen since primary school contacted me about 2 months ago. Then we started chatting and he phoned - we had lots of long conversations and seemed to get on well. He currently doesn't live in the U.K. But is (apparently) moving back this year.

He told me that he would be attending a wedding here a few weeks ago here and suggested we meet up. He told me he was going to be staying about 1.5 hours away from me. Anyway, he texted me when he got there and told me where he was staying and it turned out to be 4 hours away! I said sorry, I can't drive a distance like that for a first meeting - no way (this was a Friday) I suggested we meet halfway before he went back home (he had said he'd be staying til Wednesday). Then he disappeared and the next thing I heard from him was Monday night and that he was at the airport and waiting to go home!! I was annoyed and said to him I don't like people who say one thing and do another. I pointed out to him that he would have not been able to spend much time with me anyway because of the time it would have taken me to get there and the fact that the wedding was going on for 3,days. I told him I do not trust people who say one thing and do another.

He said he was sorry, he really does want to meet me but he didn't think it through (the logistics) and he knows it was selfish of him to expect me to drive for 4 hours. He said he will be back again soon and will I please give him another chance. I told him he needs to communicate better with me and be clear I feel he expects me to meet him.

I can't work out whether he has something wrong or is just disorganised (possible). He has had various long term relationships and seems to be well thought of generally.

So would you just write this off? It has put me off him somewhat.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 06/10/2016 13:07

Well to give what I consider a balanced view. I think you've overreacted and analysed this to within an inch of it's life when it's more than likely he had an ace time at the wedding and it being a three day thing probably flaked out for a couple of days after, without feeling like he had to answer to you (having not even seen each other since primary school and all) and that was kind of that. No biggy.

On the other hand, how can he possible know he wants a relationship with someone he's not been in the same room with since he was an actual child. THAT THERE is the red flag. Not the not meeting up. Not the not getting in touch. Him saying that is absolutely ludicrous - no further analysis required. That's Disney stuff. We're adults.

LesisMiserable · 06/10/2016 13:09

I wouldn't write him off and I wouldn't necessarily spend hours chatting or texting on the phone. You don't want to be a penpal do you, you want to see him in person, let him make that happen next time. Don't pull out stuff about how hurt you've been in the past etc etc that's only relevant to your future relationships if you decide it is, nobody is responsible for your feelings and your reactions but you, so take ownership of that and see this as a separate and new thing, it's you're only hope and evolving.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 13:11

I don't feel he had to answer to me but it would have been nice if he could have just sent me a text after I have spent literally hours talking to him on the phone for the last few months, some of which were when I was on holiday.

OP posts:
lostowl · 06/10/2016 13:14

If he really wanted a relationship he would have moved mountains to see you. I think he's 'just not that into you.' I also agree that you probably were a quick shag whilst he was in town but it became too much effort

Original poster
lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 13:16

Yes but it's relevant because every time someone shits on me from a height I get told by everyone 'oh, how silly you are - couldn't you see that coming? How naive', etc he does seem to get drunk a lot perhaps that isn't a good sign.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 13:17

Well since he's never met me I don't know how he could be into me or not. That sort of thing is not clear until you've at least had chance to assess body language.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 13:19

He wasn't 'in town' lost owl - he was 4 bloody hours away Grin after telling me he'd be no more than 2. Perhaps he thought I couldn't be bothered. Now I'm confused

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Saddaughterinlaw · 06/10/2016 13:20

I think regardless of the reasons he did what he did, it's all far too much effort for the start to a relationship. You aren't even together yet and it's already been such hard work. As someone already said it should be fun and easy at the start. I really do think you need to cut your losses. Yes you have wasted time on him but just think how much more time you could waste on him if you continue with this

Squeegle · 06/10/2016 14:20

lottie, I must say you are quite overinvested/ obsessing about this. And considering you haven't even met him, I think the best thing for you to do is to work on meeting some other bloke a bit closer to home, and just taking it as it comes. None of us are that gifted at working out the intentions of the opposite sex, but the golden rule is, if it ain't working at this stage - leave it!

Original poster
lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 14:43

Yes I know - I obsess about everything unfortunately and I think it does have to do with being on the spectrum.

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 06/10/2016 14:47

I think this just sounds too much like hard work.

Tell him to contact you when he's back in town.

Squeegle · 06/10/2016 15:29

Ok, I'm sorry if I was a bit hard. All I mean is its not good for you. And that applies to all of us whether we're on the spectrum or not. Don't try and second guess him, just work out, is this working for me? If it is, fine, if not then let it go. Long distance relationships are difficult at the best of times.Flowers

Original poster
lottieandmia · 06/10/2016 15:36

Squeegle - no don't worry I didn't think you were harsh - you are right. It's very bad for anyone. The situation is confused by the fact that my exes are never completely out of my life and one is still trying to get back with me which I had mixed feelings about ending.

I really thought I clicked with this person so I guess I'm disappointed that I've turned it into a head f*, or I've misinterpreted him or he's another man who isn't worth bothering with.

OP posts:
Annabel11 · 06/10/2016 15:40

I do believe that there is an easy way to test everything. That second chance he asked for - tell him to come to you. That way you will know if he is reasonable or just messing up in general.

SuperFlyHigh · 06/10/2016 15:45

lostowl I agree he would have moved mountains to see you too.

forget about him and move on. I know it's a pain if you've been telephoning etc

user1475501383 · 06/10/2016 21:37

+1 for the 'leave it' vote.

I have had some experiences like this, I've brushed off my concerns, given another chance and then another and then another.

If he really wanted to see you and saw you as somebody he's been waiting for for a long time, his actions do not add up. They just don't.

It's a shame - I hate it when people lie, too. I'm guessing he's actually got no plans to relocate to UK, it's all talk...

You'll find someone closer to you which will be brilliant. This happened to me and what a relief it was!

merville · 06/10/2016 22:24

He's a piss-taker ;

purposefully under-represented the distance (or too silly to work it out) he expected you to travel.
Didn't meet half-way or contact you at all when you wouldn't make an 8 hour journey for the 'privilege' of his company; just put you out of his mind until after the wedding when he was bored and without company again
I think you're right about his plans to move back as well.

He sounds flaky. (And you're completely correct in saying that sometimes someone's family says nothing about them. Some of the worst B's on the planet have lovely parents).

He def. doesn't sound worth investing any more time, energy or thought into. All the posters saying that if someone's flaky from the start, it rarely gets better are right too.

I'd think about whether it's feasible getting back with your ex or meeting other guys.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 06/10/2016 22:47

LesisMiserable - seriously, would you honestly let someone fuck you around like that?

OP, trust your own judgement - you are spot on. He's a selfish piss-taker.

Thejubremonyatthelibrary · 06/10/2016 22:56

Red flag for me. Google maps/ directions is easy to use, he should have looked into it more/ planned it better. Thoughtless and disrespectful.

Flowers
Kidnapped · 06/10/2016 23:13

I also suspect that he fudged the 'Need to be at the wedding for Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday' business. Unless you are the bride or groom then no you don't. Even if he was jam packed with functions every evening then he could have got up early one day, driven a couple of hours and have a morning coffee halfway with you. He didn't even consider it. Didn't even have the courtesy to reply to you, the disrespectful git.

And yes to the 'always wanted to meet someone like you' stuff. It's a line that he's used plenty of times. If he had always wanted to meet someone like you then he had a great opportunity when he was in the country. But decided not to bother putting himself out even just a little bit.

Your instincts are absolutely right. Get rid.

mikulkin · 07/10/2016 01:07

My DP is extremely disorganised. He can easily tell someone he will be 1,5 hour away because he hasn't read wedding invitation properly and assumed it is in another place. He also regularly turns up at airport at wrong days/times because he doesn't remember when he is supposed to travel and doesn't read his tickets.
But he is a wonderful person and makes me very very happy.

The point I am making is you have blocked this guy on FB and decided to not give him a chance - maybe you are right but maybe he is just very disorganised like my DP. But you will never know

TheStoic · 07/10/2016 02:58

It seems clear to me that he didn't contact you over the weekend because he had a better (more convenient) offer.

I would not be offering a second chance.

Kidnapped · 07/10/2016 10:19

The whole "Can you do an 8 hour round trip so that I don't experience any inconvenience whatsoever to meet up with the woman of my dreams?" is the measure of the man.

A decent person would never have suggested it.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 07/10/2016 12:34

It's impossible for me to know for sure but he did say 'sorry I didn't think it through.' I think it would be unusual to speak to someone for hours months before you plan on possibly meeting them just for sex. Most people can get sex if they want it anywhere.

The problem of course is that even leaving these things aside I am now sceptical that he would move back here. I also think he may just be very disorganised / not good at communicating. My ex husband was terrible at communication and I still have to put up with it now. I ask him something important about our children and he sends a comprehensive answer 3 days later!

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 07/10/2016 13:11

He's not disorganised. He managed to catch his flights no problem. Managed to attend the wedding no problem.

"I think it would be unusual to speak to someone for hours months before you plan on possibly meeting them just for sex".

That's the entire business model for most online dating sites, though isn't it? Grin

I think it is unlikely that you are the only one he is speaking to/texting. He's abroad, a bit bored and chats to women of an evening. I mean, he hasn't even actually met you yet. He had the opportunity and chose not to take it. I suspect that he has other relationships with other women and he will pursue you a bit more if those fall through. Sorry.

Even if he is not a player (and I reckon he is), he treated you with real disrespect.