Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExP has DC 2 weekends in 3. DC happy with it. But I'm not!

66 replies

theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 12:03

My ex has our DC (6 & 7) 2 weekends in 3 because he lives and works in another city and doesn't see them in the week.
They go after school Friday and return afternoon Sunday.
I just feel sad and miss them. I work so the weekdays are a dash around the working and school day.
But they miss him and seem to feel this is fair (and he's told them I "get them" all week).
As they are happy with it, I can't really change it can I?
I did ask for every other weekend a few months ago and it all kicked off with his Mum even begging me not to reduce his time. (DC weren't aware).
Sigh.

OP posts:
Starlight234 · 01/10/2016 12:10

Have you tried a different compromise...Maybe ask to return them Sunday morning. Aware you said another city..not sure how far away....Can he take them to tea once a week?

Mediation is the only other real route if he won't agree. Week days are not the same as weekends. I agree

Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 12:29

Thanks for your reply.
Too far away to see them midweek for Ex.
Yes I could think about an earlier return sometimes.

OP posts:
howtodowills · 01/10/2016 14:48

I feel for you OP. Flowers

How far away are they? What was the situation when you were together? i.e. Who moved?

It doesn't seem fair that you miss out on weekends whilst doing all the drudgery in the week. Also allows your ExH to do whatever he wants with career whilst you have many more restrictions.

Hard if the kids are happy with the arrangement though Sad

Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 15:00

We were in another country.
All returned to city 1, exP found work in city 2, where we'd lived before and is the only city in which he can earn top whack, though he could have worked here.

OP posts:
FrogFairy · 01/10/2016 16:35

A compromise could be you each have a whole weekend with the third weekend evenly split so he picks them up Friday and either drops them home late Saturday evening or early Sunday morning.

howtodowills · 01/10/2016 17:02

Frog's suggestion is a good one - that would end up being 50/50 wkends. Do you think your ex would go for that?

Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 19:01

Thanks frog, I'll have a think about that.
He's very entitled and feels I should move to city 2 so that we can do 50/50 even though I can never afford it. Not least because he's left me penniless while he has a very valuable property in city 2.
So the fact that he has more weekends is "my fault" for not following him.
He's just an unpleasant entitled bellend and tells DC current arrangement unfair as they sleep more nights with me. He tells them this even though he doesn't want them any more nights - won't even take an odd Monday morning off to take them to school before returning to city 2.
I need to assert myself, but concerned that DC will believe I'm not being fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 19:02

And that they miss their dad Sad

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 01/10/2016 19:20

Given the kids are happy with the arrangement, and you do get some weekends, I personally think its best to leave it. He's getting twice as much of the 'good time' as you, true, but there will be plenty of good times in all the evenings you get with them to balance it out. To me, if he doesnt have them in the week, sharing weekends equally would be unfair on him.

Ultimately though, it's not about what is fair to you or your ex (though obviously its upsetting), it's about the children, and they are happy with the arrangement.

category12 · 01/10/2016 19:22

But alternate weekends is fair. And ex wives do not continue to follow their partners careers to enable them. Ex mil has no business sticking her beak in.

kilmuir · 01/10/2016 19:22

Sorry but you will have to accept it . Kids are happy that's the main thing surely.

howtodowills · 01/10/2016 19:23

Are the kids genuinely happy?
Not afraid of rocking the boat? Your ex sounds like a twat. Why don't you suggest a swap? He can have them in the week and you @ wkends.

I'm annoyed on your behalf. My ex does this - makes out that everything is about DC but it's just about what he wants and what suits him.

CakeFlowersWine

Penfold007 · 01/10/2016 20:10

He wants all the fun times but not the drudgery of the school week or holidays. He decided to work in city2 and move away.

Cocoabutton · 01/10/2016 20:17

I think what Frog says.

How old are DC roughly? When do they see friends or do other activities?

Harsh as it sounds, I do think you need to assert yourself. Weekdays when you are working are not fun time, it essentially means you can never work late or extra, you do most of the cooking, laundry for school, doctor appointments and all that and he has nice weekends with his DC and can career build the rest of the time. No wonder he has the earning power.

You are the resident parent, so I think you should re-negotiate contact to be fairer. At the moment, he has the deal which suits him nicely and you are missing on weekend time with DC. Have you taken legal advice?

User14625592 · 01/10/2016 20:17

I think if the children are happy and miss their dad then you should carry on as you are. In every 21 days the children get to see you on 19 of them (not for very long on 2 Fridays and Sunday but they still see you)

They get to see him 6 out of 21.

This post is more about your needs than the children and I don't think you should put yourself first in these situations and that you should work as closely as possible to ensure that the children remain as happy as is possible in difficult circumstances.

You should use your time to take up new interests and use yout "you" time well.

Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 20:30

Thanks for all the replies.
It is partly about me, I acknowledge that - but I think feeling sad is OK. I don't put my feelings before theirs but I do have feelings.
It's also that the DC (6 and 7) don't actually get much "quality" time with mum.
And it does suit exP nicely and I do all the "work" bits - just exactly as when we were together.
But yes, when the days are added I do see them mornings and evenings in the week for short periods making it more days.
It feels unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 20:31

user I'm alright with the time

OP posts:
Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 20:31

Posted too soon...
I do use the time well. I'm not bored. I miss the DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
theansweris42 · 01/10/2016 20:35

They're not bothered about activities yet, we talk about it.
Older one almost at the top of waiting list for Beavers which he'll like I think.
They do football after school one day.
They see friends now and then outside school, not regularly. They are so close in age that they just like being with each other really.

OP posts:
User14625592 · 01/10/2016 20:54

It's tough I don't deny that and your feelings are valid. However they do get quality time with you. Every minute you spend with them is quality time to young children. Waking up for a cuddle with mummy is quality time, having a bedtime story is quality time. It's not always about trips out and activities. Make the most of your weekend with them and perhaps see if he will drop them a bit earlier on a Sunday so you can have the late afternoon with them.

Cocoabutton · 01/10/2016 20:59

It feels unfair because it is unfair. He can organise his working week as he wishes; you are restricted and do all the domestic work. It is not your fault he moved.

Take legal advice. I would be minded to say it is 1.5 weekends out of three, he does Sat over Sunday and brings them back Monday morning on the middle weekend if he wants an extra night. Are they not just tired by the time it gets to the weekend they have with you? Or EOW as would be the norm?

cloudyday99 · 01/10/2016 21:06

I don't think it has to be weekends = fun time and weekdays =chores. You should feel free to send them for a weekend with plenty homework and any other chores to do. And try to have some quality time in the week when you can. Having 2 weekends out of 3 to yourself can also be good for your own social life and leisure time.

Maybe ask if he can bring them back a little earlier some weeks? Or see if he'll have them more of the holidays?

SandyY2K · 01/10/2016 21:08

At least you also have the school holidays around every 6 weeks. I know it means taking some days off work, but you could plan fun things and have quality time then.

I acknowledge your feelings though.

category12 · 01/10/2016 21:17

It's all very well saying send them with homework and so on, but the chances are, if he's disney dadding them on his weekends, it just won't get done. And who will pick up when there are tears about not having it done in time? The OP.

User14625592 · 01/10/2016 21:22

Category that is a big assumption