ExP has DC 2 weekends in 3. DC happy with it. But I'm not!

[theansweris42]

My ex has our DC (6 & 7) 2 weekends in 3 because he lives and works in another city and doesn't see them in the week.
They go after school Friday and return afternoon Sunday.
I just feel sad and miss them. I work so the weekdays are a dash around the working and school day.
But they miss him and seem to feel this is fair (and he's told them I "get them" all week).
As they are happy with it, I can't really change it can I?
I did ask for every other weekend a few months ago and it all kicked off with his Mum even begging me not to reduce his time. (DC weren't aware).
Sigh.

[springydaffs]

Leaving an emotionally abusive is a process, not an event

Ain't that the truth

[Cocoabutton]

I think, as regards where DC do or do not go when they are older, that is not something you can predict one way or the other - so I would focus on the issues now. Your fear is - I think - that your ex will turn DC against you directly or indirectly, subtly or overtly. He may or he may not, but either way, one way through is to be true to your own beliefs because that is all you can know or control.

Leaving an emotionally abusive is a process, not an event. This is one part of your life, so the other thing is to concentrate on building up the other aspects.

[theansweris42]

I've done the calculator category thanks. That's how I know he's paying what he must but not a penny more. Based on the income he's prepared to disclose of course.
I think "cowed" is a bit strong, but I get your drift.

[category12]

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/how-to-apply

If you continue to be cowed by him, tho, he's having a detrimental influence on them all the time by proxy, instead of having that influence only when he sees them. Good luck with it all .

[theansweris42]

cocoa he won't go for EOW, I would have to go down a route of having it imposed.
I've already spent loads of legal fees, he stalls, stonewalls etc and then I ran out of money and nothing happened for a time. Have restarted the process now.
I am worried he would hurt DC by speaking badly of their mum.
cloudy you're right about the "pay per view" thing, I still need to contact CSA though, ahead of further contact discussions.
springy there's no course near me, have done it online. I know he can't do anything to be, I'm really just afraid of his malign influence on DC.
Thank you, all this helps massively

[cloudyday99]

I think you might be best to keep the CSA issue and the contact as separate as you can. I do see why they're kind of linked - as if you had more money you could afford to work less in the week so see more of the kids then. But legally they're not linked, and it's getting very close to a kind of "pay per view" line of argument, where what is best for the kids in terms of contact is somehow being linked to how much money is being paid.

Also, the CSA now take a small cut, so only really worth going to them if you think he is definitely below what he should be paying you, or you could end up losing money. And they only look at income that they know about so if he has income from multiple sources then he could manage to hide it.

I can see both sides of the argument for the contact staying as it is or changing to alternate weekends. If he has a house locally, then cutting one of the weekends a bit short does sound like it ought to be a possible compromise. Would a mediator help you stand up for yourself in discussions, if your ex is prone to trying to dictate everything?

[springydaffs]

Do the Freedom Programme . Go along and do the course in person. It will wake you up in record time; smash all that fear.

Been there, I know what the fear is like. You can overcome it. If I can, anybody can.

Don't threaten to wait blah weeks then you'll call the CSA. Call the CSA now. No time like the present. It's not as if you're doing anything unusual. Or get a detailed court order.

But do the Freedom Programme. Yes you have to count the cost and be strategic ie he could use the kids to punish you for the CSA - so get things on a more stable footing. Get as much support as possible eg WA. Have you called/contacted them? Local WA here

[Cocoabutton]

But in reality what is he going to do?

springy is right that it is a case of getting over the fear factor and recognising that he may take you to court, but he cannot financially or emotionally abuse you because the law is there for a reason.

My situation is massively complex, but I recognise a lot of what you are saying.

Thing is, you left the marriage, you have a job and a house and you are not dependent on him. This is not the same as being still in the marriage - and you are still thinking with an abused wife mindset of needing to appease to avoid fallout. What can he realistically do to you? Maybe use the children? He will do that anyway if he is so inclined - or he might surprise you and accept that EOW actually benefits him too in terms of rode-modelling balanced and fair parenting (which is how he wants his DC to grow up).

He may also bankrupt you if you have to defend a court action - so you do need to work out where your limits are and what you are prepared to accept against what you can pay. But he is effectively running too homes and he likes to keep his money, his needs will probably trump the desire to bankrupt you. Also, court is not in the best interests of DC when there is an amicable way forward, which you are offering.

[theansweris42]

Springy thanks for that.
He's been so abusive I do shy away from it. But it has been in my mind that's why I posted.
My solicitor is writing tohim and he ignores. I'll ask them what now?
And I will tell him to reply by X date otherwise the CSA will be called.

[springydaffs]

Why do you threaten CSA then not do it?

In my day (not that much of a crock but it was a while ago) there was no point at all going to the csa (or whatever it's called now) because they were a joke. ime of an entitled, controlling, s/e ex, I went to the courts for a detailed contact order. You have to go to a power that is greater than him, hands down.

I don't quite understand pp's assertion that the courts wouldn't change the current arrangement. It is recognised the current arrangement is not good for the kids.

Ime the sooner you can set boundaries in an acceptable place the better. Hang around and things get set in stone. Stop threatening then not carrying it out. Get serious. He'll walk all over you if you don't put up a fight.

(and sorry to say your fears about the future aren't that far-fetched ime. So the sooner you get serious the better)

[theansweris42]

He would probably get a nanny!
No he's rented a small house here where they stay. They don't go to city2 unless sometimes for a visit in hols.
It's an exciting city.

[Cocoabutton]

So, the DC are doing a seven hour round trip two weekends out of three? That is a lot of travelling. Maybe if you float EOW with a bit of extra time in the holidays, he will see the benefit of cutting travelling time.

Please do not worry DC will want to go and live with dad - their school, friends, childcare and day to day stability are with you. Though in a sense, it would be great to see his reaction now if you suggested it as an alternative. He would have to actually parent then.

[Frogers]

I haven't read the entire thread but how would the following work?

Weekend 1 - him Fri-Sun evening
Weekend 2 - with you
Weekend 3 - him Fri-Sat afernoon
Weekend 4 - him Sat afternoon -Sun evening

And repeat? It would mean you both get 1 full weekend each and then two weekends split?

[theansweris42]

Thank you.
He pays the bare minimum he can get away with based on the income he has stated to me, which will be less than it is really. He won't want "officialdom" involved so I might have some leverage there.
I will think about the third weekend him bringing them back earlier.
I'll also suggest he could keep the weekends and I will drop a few hours but he'll have to help financially.
He does want everything to suit him. Strong sense of entitlement.
I'm grateful for all your views and ideas.
As for them getting older I worry that they'll want to go and live in city2 with him.
But not much point worrying about that now!
Thanks

[Mummydummy]

I would see if he will do the compromise as suggested at the beginning - splitting one of the weekends. He does sound like a dick - why on earth would you follow him - but I think being with the kids every weekday is important and can be quality time. Nice chat over dinner and at bedtime - this is very significant parenting - mopping up the days joys and sorrows. And by the way, when they are teenagers this arrangement is very likely to start breaking down - they may well not want to go away at all - preferring spending time with school mates at weekends and hanging out locally. So I think he will lose out in the long run.

[Blueskyrain]

Given weekday visits are not an option, I think the current arrangement sounds fine. You have so many moments during the week, and with him being further away, it sounds like the fairest way to divide time.

I also think it would be unlikely a family court would disrupt this arrangement given the practical challenges of the distance and that your children are happy.

[Starlight234]

You need to seperate the 2 issues here...If he isn't paying the legal minimum he should be.,,

I would offer him a choice of EOW or
Week one with him
week 2 with him till Sunday am
Week 3 with you.

He then should take second option.

Tell him you expect him to pay the legal minimum send him CSA calculator...Tell him if he doesn't you will go to CMS

[theansweris42]

Thanks both.
Journey from his work to DC would be c3.5 hrs one way it's not doable. It would be if he did a half day at work but he cannot possibly do that
cocoa thank you yes that's important that their father takes them to school, knows our (lovely) childminder, knows who their school friends are and so on ...

[Cocoabutton]

I think the point about him not paying the legal minimum is important- because you are working more to make up for it; and you cannot afford the occasional mid-week treat to make things more fun, whilst he has the money to pay for treats and fun (of course the kids love it, but it does not mean it is healthy). The question is whether this has a detrimental effect on their life with their resident carer.

The legal advice I have received in the past is that the children have the right to see their parents in all aspects of their life - hence not all Disney dad fun time. If OP frames it as children are missing dad in every day life and context (as a working parent) and her in a non-working context, this becomes more about a healthy balance for the DC and their father's demonstration of his day to day commitment to them (he would have a different perspective for homework and playground issues, for example) than the OP's dissatisfaction (which is also a factor as she is resident carer).

[HappyJanuary]

How far away does he live, in travelling time?

My ex is a 2hr drive away but still sees kids midweek.

If the current arrangement is simply his preference I would push for something a little fairer as the DC will grow to hate it as they get older and start attending weekend activities and parties.

If a midweek visit is genuinely impossible then I think you have to accept that, for now, while the children are happy, this is simply something you will have to tolerate so that they can maintain a relationship with him.

As others have said, make the most of your weeknights by shelving work and chores until the weekend, batch cooking on the weekend and so on.

Remember you have them for 17 nights out of 21. They may involve getting home from work/school, preparing dinner and doing homework but there are a million little points of contact there that you get to experience while he does not.

[theansweris42]

Thank you secret cocoa and chocolate.
He was/is financially and emotionally abusive.
I think I'll email him to say (again) that EOW with a night or 2 in the week is the standard and considered to be best for DC.
He will say it's impossible for him to see them during the week.
I can then say (again) that I can see more of them in the week if can slightly reduce hours, but for that to work the maintenence will have to increase.
He pays regularly an amount we "agreed" which is the minimum he can pay.
I've told him it isn't enough and that I will have to involve CMS, he just ignores.
I'll go again with renewed vigour thanks to MN. to you all

[chocolatecheesecake]

You mentioned that he has a well paid job and an expensive property while for you money is tight so you work full time. Is he paying you enough maintenance? The reason I ask is that if he could pay you more then you could cut your hours and have more time with them after school if he won't agree to you having more time at weekends.

[Secretsandlies222]

As someone who works for the family courts, I would say that it is unlikely that the court will change the visiting schedule. You have acknowledged that the children love it how it is. The court would be reluctant to alter it unless the children are demonstrably suffering as a result. Whilst I can understand the OP's dissatisfaction with it, any count application to amend it would be led by her feelings, rather than the children's best interests.

[Cocoabutton]

Plus, if you make them available one night in the week, if it up to him to organise that, not you to lose weekend time. EOW and a night during the week would be standard. Otherwise, he is saying he cannot organise his job to be available for DC one evening a week, but you have to do it four or five?

[Cocoabutton]

It is bad for the kids, because what they see will shape their mindsets as adults. It is bad for the kids because you feel tired and dispirited (and I would feel very resentful too over time). He is treating the separation as he treated the marriage, and in fact the separation probably benefits him as it allows him to organise his life as he wishes, whilst being a great dad (sadly, a separated dad who has his kids two out of three weekends can work that one; mums do far more unrecognised)

If you are not happy, and why would you be with this, then it will eat away at you and affect your home life and wellbeing. You had the strength to leave this in your marriage- take a deep breath and try to address it in your separated state. You are the resident parent; you can put forward the terms in DC best interests (think of it that way) and it is up to him to challenge it. Do seek legal advice, the initial outlay will be worth it.