ExP has DC 2 weekends in 3. DC happy with it. But I'm not!

[theansweris42]

My ex has our DC (6 & 7) 2 weekends in 3 because he lives and works in another city and doesn't see them in the week.
They go after school Friday and return afternoon Sunday.
I just feel sad and miss them. I work so the weekdays are a dash around the working and school day.
But they miss him and seem to feel this is fair (and he's told them I "get them" all week).
As they are happy with it, I can't really change it can I?
I did ask for every other weekend a few months ago and it all kicked off with his Mum even begging me not to reduce his time. (DC weren't aware).
Sigh.

Given weekday visits are not an option, I think the current arrangement sounds fine. You have so many moments during the week, and with him being further away, it sounds like the fairest way to divide time.

I also think it would be unlikely a family court would disrupt this arrangement given the practical challenges of the distance and that your children are happy.

I would see if he will do the compromise as suggested at the beginning - splitting one of the weekends. He does sound like a dick - why on earth would you follow him - but I think being with the kids every weekday is important and can be quality time. Nice chat over dinner and at bedtime - this is very significant parenting - mopping up the days joys and sorrows. And by the way, when they are teenagers this arrangement is very likely to start breaking down - they may well not want to go away at all - preferring spending time with school mates at weekends and hanging out locally. So I think he will lose out in the long run.

Thank you.
He pays the bare minimum he can get away with based on the income he has stated to me, which will be less than it is really. He won't want "officialdom" involved so I might have some leverage there.
I will think about the third weekend him bringing them back earlier.
I'll also suggest he could keep the weekends and I will drop a few hours but he'll have to help financially.
He does want everything to suit him. Strong sense of entitlement.
I'm grateful for all your views and ideas.
As for them getting older I worry that they'll want to go and live in city2 with him.
But not much point worrying about that now!
Thanks

I haven't read the entire thread but how would the following work?

Weekend 1 - him Fri-Sun evening
Weekend 2 - with you
Weekend 3 - him Fri-Sat afernoon
Weekend 4 - him Sat afternoon -Sun evening

And repeat? It would mean you both get 1 full weekend each and then two weekends split?

So, the DC are doing a seven hour round trip two weekends out of three? That is a lot of travelling. Maybe if you float EOW with a bit of extra time in the holidays, he will see the benefit of cutting travelling time.

Please do not worry DC will want to go and live with dad - their school, friends, childcare and day to day stability are with you. Though in a sense, it would be great to see his reaction now if you suggested it as an alternative. He would have to actually parent then.

He would probably get a nanny!
No he's rented a small house here where they stay. They don't go to city2 unless sometimes for a visit in hols.
It's an exciting city.

Why do you threaten CSA then not do it?

In my day (not that much of a crock but it was a while ago) there was no point at all going to the csa (or whatever it's called now) because they were a joke. ime of an entitled, controlling, s/e ex, I went to the courts for a detailed contact order. You have to go to a power that is greater than him, hands down.

I don't quite understand pp's assertion that the courts wouldn't change the current arrangement. It is recognised the current arrangement is not good for the kids.

Ime the sooner you can set boundaries in an acceptable place the better. Hang around and things get set in stone. Stop threatening then not carrying it out. Get serious. He'll walk all over you if you don't put up a fight.

(and sorry to say your fears about the future aren't that far-fetched ime. So the sooner you get serious the better)

Springy thanks for that.
He's been so abusive I do shy away from it. But it has been in my mind that's why I posted.
My solicitor is writing tohim and he ignores. I'll ask them what now?
And I will tell him to reply by X date otherwise the CSA will be called.

But in reality what is he going to do?

springy is right that it is a case of getting over the fear factor and recognising that he may take you to court, but he cannot financially or emotionally abuse you because the law is there for a reason.

My situation is massively complex, but I recognise a lot of what you are saying.

Thing is, you left the marriage, you have a job and a house and you are not dependent on him. This is not the same as being still in the marriage - and you are still thinking with an abused wife mindset of needing to appease to avoid fallout. What can he realistically do to you? Maybe use the children? He will do that anyway if he is so inclined - or he might surprise you and accept that EOW actually benefits him too in terms of rode-modelling balanced and fair parenting (which is how he wants his DC to grow up).

He may also bankrupt you if you have to defend a court action - so you do need to work out where your limits are and what you are prepared to accept against what you can pay. But he is effectively running too homes and he likes to keep his money, his needs will probably trump the desire to bankrupt you. Also, court is not in the best interests of DC when there is an amicable way forward, which you are offering.

Do the Freedom Programme . Go along and do the course in person. It will wake you up in record time; smash all that fear.

Been there, I know what the fear is like. You can overcome it. If I can, anybody can.

Don't threaten to wait blah weeks then you'll call the CSA. Call the CSA now. No time like the present. It's not as if you're doing anything unusual. Or get a detailed court order.

But do the Freedom Programme. Yes you have to count the cost and be strategic ie he could use the kids to punish you for the CSA - so get things on a more stable footing. Get as much support as possible eg WA. Have you called/contacted them? Local WA here

I think you might be best to keep the CSA issue and the contact as separate as you can. I do see why they're kind of linked - as if you had more money you could afford to work less in the week so see more of the kids then. But legally they're not linked, and it's getting very close to a kind of "pay per view" line of argument, where what is best for the kids in terms of contact is somehow being linked to how much money is being paid.

Also, the CSA now take a small cut, so only really worth going to them if you think he is definitely below what he should be paying you, or you could end up losing money. And they only look at income that they know about so if he has income from multiple sources then he could manage to hide it.

I can see both sides of the argument for the contact staying as it is or changing to alternate weekends. If he has a house locally, then cutting one of the weekends a bit short does sound like it ought to be a possible compromise. Would a mediator help you stand up for yourself in discussions, if your ex is prone to trying to dictate everything?

cocoa he won't go for EOW, I would have to go down a route of having it imposed.
I've already spent loads of legal fees, he stalls, stonewalls etc and then I ran out of money and nothing happened for a time. Have restarted the process now.
I am worried he would hurt DC by speaking badly of their mum.
cloudy you're right about the "pay per view" thing, I still need to contact CSA though, ahead of further contact discussions.
springy there's no course near me, have done it online. I know he can't do anything to be, I'm really just afraid of his malign influence on DC.
Thank you, all this helps massively

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/how-to-apply

If you continue to be cowed by him, tho, he's having a detrimental influence on them all the time by proxy, instead of having that influence only when he sees them. Good luck with it all .

I've done the calculator category thanks. That's how I know he's paying what he must but not a penny more. Based on the income he's prepared to disclose of course.
I think "cowed" is a bit strong, but I get your drift.

I think, as regards where DC do or do not go when they are older, that is not something you can predict one way or the other - so I would focus on the issues now. Your fear is - I think - that your ex will turn DC against you directly or indirectly, subtly or overtly. He may or he may not, but either way, one way through is to be true to your own beliefs because that is all you can know or control.

Leaving an emotionally abusive is a process, not an event. This is one part of your life, so the other thing is to concentrate on building up the other aspects.

Leaving an emotionally abusive is a process, not an event

Ain't that the truth