ExP has DC 2 weekends in 3. DC happy with it. But I'm not!

[theansweris42]

My ex has our DC (6 & 7) 2 weekends in 3 because he lives and works in another city and doesn't see them in the week.
They go after school Friday and return afternoon Sunday.
I just feel sad and miss them. I work so the weekdays are a dash around the working and school day.
But they miss him and seem to feel this is fair (and he's told them I "get them" all week).
As they are happy with it, I can't really change it can I?
I did ask for every other weekend a few months ago and it all kicked off with his Mum even begging me not to reduce his time. (DC weren't aware).
Sigh.

[category12]

Is it? The OP says her ex always left the 'work' bits to her and that continues. It seems unlikely he'll suddenly pick up doing those things when he has everything as he wants it currently.

[cloudyday99]

He certainly won't be picking up the work bits if the OP just does them herself without question. Worth at least trying to get him to pick up some of the work of parenting.

[theansweris42]

Thank you for your input.
We do have the holidays, I do more than half cos ex cannot just take time off, don't I know that?
And there are nice times on weekdays of course. But I work full time (financial imperative) and I juggle a lot and work from home when they're asleep so that I can be with them and it's tiring and a bit dispiriting. And we do have stressful days and homework and ex just never does.

[cloudyday99]

Could you do any of your work from home at a weekend when he has them, to make your week a bit less stressful?

[category12]

Cloudy, I would imagine she tried that unsuccessfully while they were married.


OP, I would re-arrange things to suit yourself more. EOW is reasonable and pretty much standard.

[category12]

Ugh and why should she have to work at the weekend?! They'll be at school during the week anyway.

[theansweris42]

I don't do it without question. I do it cos they're with me through the week.
And because they're my DC.
Ex sends the school uniform back washed usually, so he's doing his best

[theansweris42]

Yes when we were together he was of the view that everything should be done by me and that everything was my fault.

[HSMMaCM]

Can you set aside one night a week which is fun time? No washing, no cooking, just pizza and a film or something ?

[theansweris42]

Thanks HSM that's a nice idea.

[springydaffs]

Hang on a minute, this is bad for the KIDS!

Do you have a court order for contact? The courts may seem stupid sometimes but their guidelines are sound on this. The family chorus would consider this destabilising for the kids.

It's not good for them to see their mother as the drudge and their dad as the fun. That isn't balanced and sets them up badly for future relationships.

So, no, don't roll over 'bcs they're happy with it '. They'd be 'happy' with chocolate and sweets for breakfast lunch and dinner but you wouldn't give it to them.

[springydaffs]

And take no notice of his entitled whining. You know it isn't true and that's all that matters.

[springydaffs]

Family courts not family chorus

[theansweris42]

Thanks springy I'm going to get to bed now but I'm going to think about what you said.
Our arrangement is informal. We weren't married tho together for c20 years.
He has dictated as he always did.

[category12]

Yup, stand up for yourself OP, he's had it his way long enough. EOW.

[theansweris42]

Thanks category I'm going to approach this again and with a different mindset.

[Cocoabutton]

It is bad for the kids, because what they see will shape their mindsets as adults. It is bad for the kids because you feel tired and dispirited (and I would feel very resentful too over time). He is treating the separation as he treated the marriage, and in fact the separation probably benefits him as it allows him to organise his life as he wishes, whilst being a great dad (sadly, a separated dad who has his kids two out of three weekends can work that one; mums do far more unrecognised)

If you are not happy, and why would you be with this, then it will eat away at you and affect your home life and wellbeing. You had the strength to leave this in your marriage- take a deep breath and try to address it in your separated state. You are the resident parent; you can put forward the terms in DC best interests (think of it that way) and it is up to him to challenge it. Do seek legal advice, the initial outlay will be worth it.

[Cocoabutton]

Plus, if you make them available one night in the week, if it up to him to organise that, not you to lose weekend time. EOW and a night during the week would be standard. Otherwise, he is saying he cannot organise his job to be available for DC one evening a week, but you have to do it four or five?

[Secretsandlies222]

As someone who works for the family courts, I would say that it is unlikely that the court will change the visiting schedule. You have acknowledged that the children love it how it is. The court would be reluctant to alter it unless the children are demonstrably suffering as a result. Whilst I can understand the OP's dissatisfaction with it, any count application to amend it would be led by her feelings, rather than the children's best interests.

[chocolatecheesecake]

You mentioned that he has a well paid job and an expensive property while for you money is tight so you work full time. Is he paying you enough maintenance? The reason I ask is that if he could pay you more then you could cut your hours and have more time with them after school if he won't agree to you having more time at weekends.

[theansweris42]

Thank you secret cocoa and chocolate.
He was/is financially and emotionally abusive.
I think I'll email him to say (again) that EOW with a night or 2 in the week is the standard and considered to be best for DC.
He will say it's impossible for him to see them during the week.
I can then say (again) that I can see more of them in the week if can slightly reduce hours, but for that to work the maintenence will have to increase.
He pays regularly an amount we "agreed" which is the minimum he can pay.
I've told him it isn't enough and that I will have to involve CMS, he just ignores.
I'll go again with renewed vigour thanks to MN. to you all

[HappyJanuary]

How far away does he live, in travelling time?

My ex is a 2hr drive away but still sees kids midweek.

If the current arrangement is simply his preference I would push for something a little fairer as the DC will grow to hate it as they get older and start attending weekend activities and parties.

If a midweek visit is genuinely impossible then I think you have to accept that, for now, while the children are happy, this is simply something you will have to tolerate so that they can maintain a relationship with him.

As others have said, make the most of your weeknights by shelving work and chores until the weekend, batch cooking on the weekend and so on.

Remember you have them for 17 nights out of 21. They may involve getting home from work/school, preparing dinner and doing homework but there are a million little points of contact there that you get to experience while he does not.

[Cocoabutton]

I think the point about him not paying the legal minimum is important- because you are working more to make up for it; and you cannot afford the occasional mid-week treat to make things more fun, whilst he has the money to pay for treats and fun (of course the kids love it, but it does not mean it is healthy). The question is whether this has a detrimental effect on their life with their resident carer.

The legal advice I have received in the past is that the children have the right to see their parents in all aspects of their life - hence not all Disney dad fun time. If OP frames it as children are missing dad in every day life and context (as a working parent) and her in a non-working context, this becomes more about a healthy balance for the DC and their father's demonstration of his day to day commitment to them (he would have a different perspective for homework and playground issues, for example) than the OP's dissatisfaction (which is also a factor as she is resident carer).

[theansweris42]

Thanks both.
Journey from his work to DC would be c3.5 hrs one way it's not doable. It would be if he did a half day at work but he cannot possibly do that
cocoa thank you yes that's important that their father takes them to school, knows our (lovely) childminder, knows who their school friends are and so on ...

[Starlight234]

You need to seperate the 2 issues here...If he isn't paying the legal minimum he should be.,,

I would offer him a choice of EOW or
Week one with him
week 2 with him till Sunday am
Week 3 with you.

He then should take second option.

Tell him you expect him to pay the legal minimum send him CSA calculator...Tell him if he doesn't you will go to CMS