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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My worlds just come crashing down

89 replies

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:19

Apologies in advance for any nonsense but I'm typing through tears. Just need to get it all out before dd1 comes home from school.

Out of the blue DP came home for lunch today and announced he wants to split up. We are engaged, the wedding is booked for next year. He is an amazing step dad to dd1 and an incredible father to dd2.
I want to fix this and pleaded with him to tell me where the problem lies. I was under the impression everything was fine. He is the love of my life and I was so excited to spend forever with him.
He thinks things don't click anymore and he can't see us living happily together.
I'm heartbroken, I just don't know what to do. I've spoke to my Dm who has suggested I go there for a few nights but I don't know if this is the right thing to do.
Christ this hurts

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2016 14:23

God yes, go to your mum. What a shock. Sadly, I smell bullshit so there may be more to this but get support from family and take one small step at a time.

RedSauceAndJellyJuice · 15/09/2016 14:24

I am so sorry , can you get a friend to sit with you or pick your children up ?
You need more time to process this

JenLindleyShitMom · 15/09/2016 14:25

Oh OP! I am so sorry. I hate to ask but could he be seeing someone else? (At work possibly?)

Original poster

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:28

Unfortunately I have no local friends that I could turn to. We've only lived here a few years and although I've made friends I don't consider any of them to be that close iyswim. My best friend is away on holiday.

Will going to dm make things worse though? I can't decide wether I need to get away and see wether he bothers to get in touch or stay and try to make him talk.
We would need to come home on Sunday ready for dd going back to school.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 14:29

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Others will also be along to support you.

Its not you, its him. You have not done anything to cause this, this has been and is all about him. He has acted selfish in the extreme.

He needs to give you time and space apart from him and he should be the one to leave the home to do that.

One thing you must not do at all is the pick me dance; if it is over then you need to act as such and show him what the loss of you means.

What is the situation re the property and finances? Is the property mortgaged or do you rent?. Is the property held in joint names?.

It may well come to pass that he has met someone else and has embarked on an affair with this person. Generally speaking men do not usually announce such things without their own self having somewhere else to go to. He is ahead of you here and I think he will continue to further deny and or minimise. Such things have a nasty habit of revealing themselves over time. I think in time your anger is going to come to the forefront.

Be kind to yourself in the meantime and keep eating and drinking no matter how much you really do not want to.

Original poster

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:30

He says there isn't anyone else and I do believe him. He genuinely wouldn't have time if nothing else. He works days and I leave for work 10 minutes after he gets in.
I actually think i would find it easier if there was someone else

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 15/09/2016 14:31

You can't fix this on your own though, does he want to try to fix it?

Original poster

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:32

The house is rented, it is in his name but I am a named person on the lease. I genuinely don't know what I will do. I can not afford a place of my own and have no family local.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 14:32

I would not believe him so readily. There is always time and opportunity to meet someone, particularly in the workplace.

If he wants to split up then he needs to go about cancelling the wedding as well. That task should not be left to you alone.

Original poster

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:33

Costa he says he doesn't know what he wants and isn't sure it can be fixed. This is most heartbreaking of all.
I was so happy and thought everything was perfect for once.

OP posts:

YesIlikePinaColadas · 15/09/2016 14:34

I'm so sorry OP, when my ex partner left we were engaged and I remember how much it felt like it hurt just to breath for a while.

The only thing I will say is that time brings perspective. No one deserves to be with someone who isn't all in, you wouldn't end up happy even if you could persuade him to stay. This is just the rubbish but you have to go through before you come out the other side.

FWIW I didn't go to either of my parents ' house although they both wanted to. I felt quite strongly that it would just be prolonging the inevitable and I needed to get used to the new normal ASAP. Having said that I do have a close circle of friends and didn't spend much time alone for the first week or so unless I wanted to. I think it depends what kind of person you are as to what helps most in this kind of situation.

To get me through the first month or so I made a pretty extensive list of all the things I loved to do that my ex had moaned about (eg having friends over, dancing round the house, having ok days to name but a few) and every time I felt really low I'd pick one and do it.

Be kind to yourself and take it as easy as possible for a few days. But just keep in mind that you will be ok

twocultures · 15/09/2016 14:35

Don't plead whatever you do! Do not put yourself in a position where he'll think you're so desperate.
Remember most men think and act quite calmly in situations like that and you should match his coolness if that's the case.
Talk it out if you want it to work but don't grovel, keep a clear mind and try and allow yourself some time to reflect.

Wishing you the best op!

BombadierFritz · 15/09/2016 14:38

really sorry
you will get good advice here. you might not be ready to hear it as this has come so out of the blue for you, but your dp has had time already and so he will be way ahead of you :( he will deny having met someone else but its quite likely there is someone else, maybe at work. that doesnt matter right now, except that the worst thing you can do is try to persuade him to stay. let him leave. plan for his days when he has dd. make it real for him
very sorry

JenLindleyShitMom · 15/09/2016 14:40

If you think your mum will be supportive then go to her. Coming back on Sunday gives you a few days for some space to process what you want to happen. Agree not to do the "pick me" dance that is so, so tempting. It's sucks, it really does but it's how he feels and you can't make him feel otherwise. Go see your mum. Have lots of hugs and crying.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2016 14:40

I'm sorry OP - this is a shock for you.
Definitely get to your DMum and get some love and support.
Your cheating lying 'D'P will not be there for you now.
It's the cheaters script he's using so please prepare yourself for the new girlfriend pretty soon after you have split up properly.
Show him loss for now!
Tell him you need some space and time away and no contact.
Just get your head straight.
Talk to your mum about the practical things you need to put in place.
Could you move back nearer your family long term?

Original poster

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:41

My close circle of friends are over an hour away. I feel so stupid and so incredibly lonely.
I don't want to tell anyone what's happened as I'm so embarrassed. Dd1 will be home in 45 minutes and I need to pull myself together for her sake.
I've contacted work and taken the night off that's about as practical as I can be at the minute

OP posts:

Aftershock15 · 15/09/2016 14:44

At this stage it doesn't really matter if there is someone else. Why don't you go and stay with your mum but tell him you will be back on Sunday for term start and ask if he could arrange to stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks. That will give you time and room to process what has happened and what your next step will be. It may be he will change his mind but coming home from work to tell you in his lunch break suggests he has given it a bit of thought. You now need time to think as well.

Original poster

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:45

I don't want to move back near family as dd1 is so settled here. She's come on leaps and bounds since we moved and I honestly feel here is the best place for her. It is just so impractical. I can't afford the rent here and certainly can not buy. There is no social housing near us and I wouldn't feel safe moving to the area that it is in.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/09/2016 14:46

I'm so sorry, OP. I agree with Bombadier, he has had time to think this through, it's news to you and a horrid shock.

Don't plead with him because he has made his mind up. He wouldn't have idly said this because the general shitstorm that follows wouldn't be worth it. He's done with the relationship.

Go to your mum's and take it from there. You need a different scenery and not to see your partner for now. Agree that he needs to start making the calls to cancel the wedding - and bear half the losses if there are any.

I'm so, so sorry for you. You will get over it although it probably doesn't feel like it at all right now. You will.

Obsidian77 · 15/09/2016 14:49

Sorry
You can't fix this, don't plead with him.
Have a look through some of the other threads on Relationships. Your post is very similar to a few other recent ones. I'm mentioning this only so you can see what other posters have suggested and how similar situations have unfolded, I don't mean to downplay the heartache you are feeling.

DragonNoodleCake · 15/09/2016 14:57

is counselling an option? as a neutral way to talk things through, my friend did that with her husband and she said although then ended up splitting eventually it did help to talk though feelings and took the focus off the anger etc.

airforsharon · 15/09/2016 14:58

I doubt he all of a sudden decided he wanted to spilt up this morning. He's been thinking about it, but not discussed how he's been thinking and feeling, just landed it on you today. What a shitty thing to do.

Please don't think it's all on your shoulder to fix things. He's deliberately left you in the dark, not the actions of an amazing man.

Look after yourself and your dds and sod him - if you want to go to your Mums for a while then do so, I don't think there's any 'right' or 'wrong' way, just what's best for you.

Bogeyface · 15/09/2016 15:01

"I dont know what I want, I dont know if we can fix this" says to me that he is affair-ready.

Thats not to say that he is cheating, but I suspect that someone has caught his interest and he is laying the groundwork for if she turns out to be interested.

I am so sorry :(

I think that the best thing you can do is show him exactly what he is going to lose. You and your DC, his cosy home life, security. I know you dont want to move but facts are facts, you cant afford to stay where you are. Thats a place to start. Its not ideal but it gives you a firm place to start. Could you live with your mum for a few months, or a year, to get some savings? What are schools like near her? I know your DC are settled but sometimes these things have to be done and the kids do generally handle it well.

If you accept his decision (or act as if you have accepted it) then he is more likely to think twice. You begging him gives him the power, so take it back.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/09/2016 15:03

Agree with Bogeyface, show him what he is going to lose. It may or may not work but if he's going to lose you anyway then the sooner the better for your sake and your daughter's.

flippinada · 15/09/2016 15:05

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful shock for you .

If your Mum will be supportive and helpful, please go there - it's best not to be on your own at the moment if you can avoid it.

In the meantime, please keep talking on here.

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